Taking a leap of faith & waiting on the Lord!

For at least a week now (since learning of my spontaneous ovulation) I have been really feeling like the Lord wants to bless me with a miracle baby without using any kind of medical assistance at all. Every time I read, watch, or hear about the stories of barren women in the Bible (Hannah, Sarah, Rachel, among others) & how the Lord opened their wombs & they conceived, I really feel like it can & will happen to me also. I have also had other confirmations of this...

The biggest confirmation that is on my heart right now is how I sent a friend of sorts a message on an online board just 2 days ago. Actually I don't know her that well at all but after what she told me I would LOVE to get know her. Anyway, for whatever reason (I think it was the Lord prompting me to share actually), I told her that I felt like "the Lord wants to provide me a miracle w/o any kind of medical assistance at all which will be a HUGE miracle considering we haven't been able to conceive in 4 long years w/o medical help." She responded back, sharing her story of infertility & the use of medicine (specifically Clomid) in order to conceive her last miracle baby. Well, she recently got pg with another miracle in September with no help of medicine at all. Now, why did I share my story with her, considering I barely knew her? I don't think it was an accident at all... I think the Lord was speaking to me through her. I will conceive a miracle... I WILL & I just have to hang on to that.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23

So today was the big day that I talked to Mike about my feelings & it was decided that we would stop medical assistance for the moment. We are going to take a 6 month break & do nothing but pray about it & wait on the Lord. I really think or hope actually that I'll be pregnant sometime in the next 6 months but if not, in 6 months we will come back to the feet of Jesus & pray for guidance. What does He want us to do? Should we start back down the road of medical assistance or continue waiting? Whatever the Lord decides I will obediently follow.

Here's a video that says it all...

Spontaneous Ovulation? What?!?

So apparently I CAN ovulate on my own...

I had a follow up RE appt today & guess what... I actually ovulated last cycle (according to my progesterone (16.4))! Huh?!? Are you serious??? So as you can imagine... I'm thoroughly confused.

A quick recap of my ovulation history (now remember that according to my OB successful ovulation is when the progesterone is above 12)...

1. Unmedicated, progesterone on day 23 - 6.5.
2. 50 mg Clomid, progesterone on day 22 - 13.5
3. 50 mg Clomid, progesterone on day 24 - 4.6
4. 100 mg Clomid, progesterone on day 23 - 17: Got pregnant but miscarried!
5. 100 mg Clomid, progesterone on day 23 - 8.4
6. 150 mg Clomid, progesterone on day 23 - 4.4
7. Unmedicated, progesterone on day 22 - 16.4 (I ovulated late on cycle day 15 or early on cycle day 16 so I could have gotten pregnant but we didn't... AF showed this past Saturday).

So now we wait... we wait until Jan to see how much money the meds are going to cost when our insurance plan changes then we will consider our options & make another appointment with the RE to discuss our decision.

First RE Appointment

Praise the Lord... overall the appt went really well. We still have to discuss which option we want to go with, if we continue with medical assistance, but our options are:

• Another cycle of Clomid & an HCG (or trigger) shot with ultrasound monitoring of course
• Injectables

He will actually go up to 200 mg Clomid & doesn't see a problem with that. I did ask about Femera (a drug very similar to Clomid) & he said that he quit using it in his practice years ago. He just doesn't feel that it is better than or even comparable to Clomid. Honestly, I was kinda hoping to try Femera since I have heard so many success stories about it, especially ones of people who don't respond to Clomid well, respond to Femera beautifully... but at this RE, it ain't gonna happen.

He's probably not as open-minded as I would have hoped (i.e. Femera) but he seemed okay. I wasn't just totally thrilled with him but not discouraged either (Mike just told me that he wasn't to fond of the RE ). He did say that I get bonus points & may even get the "favorite patient of the year" award b/c I had copies of charts, past lab work, the works in my binder that I carried with me. He really loved all that!

The good news... he said that he thought we have a good chance at getting pregnant b/c:

1. I'm young... 32
2. Hubby's semen analysis that was done a few months ago was good
   
3. I got pregnant with Clomid just a few months ago

He did take some blood & is checking my TSH (I'm hypo so he just wants to see how it looks currently) & my progesterone. I know he's running a few more tests but those are the main 2 he wants to check on me right now. I have a follow-up appt next week to discuss those results (Tuesday at 10 I believe but I'm too lazy to get up & find the appt card to be sure ).

So now we have to check with the insurance & see what they cover & make a choice... another cycle of Clomid, adding the HCG/trigger shot or be more aggressive with Injectables. He did give me hope that *maybe* my insurance might cover some of the cost of injectables since they apparently covered some of the cost of Clomid. I only know that I payed $10 for Clomid but of course it was generic.

Just another note... you know he started talking about why the Clomid worked once but since then I haven't been responding to it & he said... it's just one of those mysteries. I didn't say this but I was thinking... oh, it's no mystery at all. It was a miracle from God & why I didn't respond since... b/c I truly believe that He is making sure I know that no amount of medicine is going to work w/o His will so that I don't mistakenly think that the medicine got me pregnant but that He was fulfilling that promise to me.

Could use a few extra prayers right now... RE appt tomorrow!

Tomorrow is our first RE appt! And you probably know that I am emotionally done!!! I quit & I'm getting out of the Lord's way so that He can work a miracle. Please pray for guidance & strength as I hand it all over to God. Guidance especially for my husband, Mike, b/c I've been praying that the Lord please speak to him & guide him to know what to do & whatever he (Mike) decides I am going to follow as hard as it may be (I mean is he going to want to move forward or take a few months off or even just quite completely... I honestly don't know ).

Oh & Mike doesn't know this, actually. I just don't want to add that kind of pressure on him. Well, he doesn't know unless he is reading my blog, which I kinda doubt!

I just feel like I have had blinders on & have been charging full steam ahead trying to get pregnant & just feel like I need to step back & wait on the Lord so that's why from now on, trying to conceive decisions are Mike's & the Lord will have to work a miracle. I am kinda getting to the point that I don't care anymore... well, I think I care less & less each day b/c infertility is so emotionally draining. I love that we are doing the pregnancy loss Bible study online & have even thought about trying to organize it at church & even inviting other churches. I don't know, since the miscarriage I have really wanted to reach out to other miscarriage & pregnancy loss survivors, ya know. I also thought this might be a way to just get my mind off of trying to conceive.

Will update after the appt!

A Special Invitation...

Have you experienced the heartache of a pregnancy loss??? A friend & I are leading a pregnancy loss Bible study online. This Bible study has been designed for all forms of pregnancy loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, or any form of early infant death. Just click the graphic below for more information!

Speaking of miscarriages... I just had to share this wonderful video that I remember first hearing on the radio shortly after my loss. I just adore this song...

A Little Bit of Encouragement!

So today in our small group Bible study, I get there first which is pretty normal for me. Well, the chairs were on the tables instead of in the floor where they belong & I of course start pulling them off the tables & putting them in the floor, which I do pretty much every Sunday but this Sunday was a little different...

Our Bible study group leader tells me not to worry about putting the chairs in the floor & to let someone else do it b/c as he said, "You probably don't need to be lifting things anyway". I of course am thinking & even say, "There's no reason why I can't lift anything at the moment." And he says, "You never know".

He's right of course... you never know but that was such encouragement this morning. Wow! Thank you, Lord & Praise your Holy Name!!!

So Tired of This

I'm done! I'm emotionally finished! I'm so tired of this, it isn't even funny! Though this is one of the hardest trials in my life, I have to admit that I wouldn't have it any other way. The Lord is so good... it was my infertility struggles that He used to draw me back to Him. I have also learned so much on my journey so far & have grown closer to God & my faith is growing stronger every day. I know He's here carrying me through this but it can be so hard, ya know?!

I'm giving it to Him, laying it at His feet & letting it go. It is so emotionally draining that I quit. I am, right now, moving forward with the RE but mostly b/c Mike said, lets go ahead & get this over with. Right now I really would be okay if the appt wasn't until next year.

The other night we had our ladies Tour of Homes at the church & a message during the event. What I took away from that message was to wait upon the Lord... it's gonna be worth it. This song was part of that message & it touches my heart & gives me peace...

I still have hope. You know I am starting to believe that a divine miracle can even happen to me! You see miracles happen to others but you think, "Yeah, it happened to them but it could NEVER happen to me." There are 2 in particular, a friend from church had very similar issues as I do now & she got pregnant TWICE with no help at all & another friend, L, who couldn't get pregnant without the aide of Clomid... well, she recently got pregnant with low progesterone & no fertility help of any kind & is now due in June. Well, I'm beginning to feel like a miracle can & might happen to me.

I'm actually doing a Bible study right now, Experiencing God (I HIGHLY recommend this Bible study, by the way), and in the Bible study I just studied Genesis 22:1-18. In the past this scripture has been hard for me to understand but I see it in a completely new way now... I see it as "The LORD Will Provide"! He is the "Provider of Children" & WILL provide for me!

Praise you Lord! Praise you for my miracle baby that you are creating for me, praise you for helping me through this difficult time, praise you for you... for who YOU are!

RE Appointment to be Rescheduled

As you may already know, we had our first RE appointment scheduled for Monday, December 7th @ 3 pm but due to a death in the family (Mike's grandmother) I am going to have to call today & reschedule the appointment. I will keep you updated...

Update... It has been re-scheduled for Monday, December 14th @ 2 pm!

What I Believe He is Teaching Me Right Now

No amount of medicine will help me get pg WITHOUT His will! 100 mg Clomid WORKED last time & since the miscarriage 100 mg failed & even 150 mg failed... my progesterone actually went down on 150 mg Clomid! It makes no sense except for that... God wants me to KNOW that my baby, when I have him/her, is the result of a promise from Him & not any medicine.

He also led me to this scripture maybe about a month or so ago (when I needed it the most) which I hang tightly to nowadays...

Galatians 4:22-23
For it is written that Abraham had two sons, one by the slave woman and the other by the free woman. His son by the slave woman was born in the ordinary way; but his son by the free woman was born as the result of a promise.

Recognize it?! I KNOW God has promised me a child so I'm waiting & having faith, though hard as it may be at times. I just feel it waning at times & usually when I do I go back to this scripture & several others & stand firm & just remember His promise & that He IS faithful!

Praise you Lord & I love you & can't wait for your blessing!

Remembering My Sweet Angel

After 3 years of trying to conceive we finally did conceive our miracle baby in April '09, estimated due date was January 16, 2010. We were so happy & even saw the baby at 8 wks through an ultrasound. He/she had a nice, strong heartbeat of 188. I carried my sweet baby in my womb for 11 wks 3 days when I had a miscarriage early on July 1, 2009. We decided to name baby, Chris, since it is gender neutral, considering we didn't know if it was a he or a she, though I still have a deep feeling it was a she (& therefore, Chloe).

Sweet baby Chris...
Mommy, Daddy, & Big Brother love & miss you so much & we will always remember you, precious angel! We can't wait to see you again one day in heaven!

And I declared that the dead, who had already died,
are happier than the living, who are still alive.
But better than both is he who has not yet been,
who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun.
- Ecclesiastes 4:2-3

My Miscarriage Story

This is what I posted during my miscarriage on one of my favorite online boards. This post was written during/after the actual miscarriage...

I started spotting at about 8 pm last night. I called the dr's emergency number even though I knew the dr probably can't do much of anything. Of course he told me what I already knew... some spotting is normal, relax, drink lots of fluids & come in tomorrow morning if you want for an u/s to check everything out. So I went to bed but woke up at 11:30 pm with a backache. Shortly after that went to pee & it was like the bottom fell out... I poured blood.

Warning, may be TMI, may be gory, & may be painful to anyone who has had a m/c... I think I had the baby in the toilet! I passed something kinda large. I tried to look but the toilet was filled with blood so I'm not really sure.

There's no way a baby can survive all this blood. Going to the dr (whenever they open this morning) to confirm what I fear/believe... will update later.

Update (we just got back from the hospital):
I tried & tried to hold out till 8 am this morning so I could go to the dr's office & NOT the ER but... the pain got so bad that I couldn't take it anymore so off to the ER we went early this morning at 5 am. Once I got there they gave me some good drugs that killed the pain, did an u/s & saw that no baby was there. They only saw some conception items, I believe is what he called it... basically part of the placenta & other tissues so we did a D&C to remove the remaining stuff & stop the bleeding. While in the ER, before the D&C, I was bleeding everywhere... they gave me fluids b/c I was bleeding heavily as one of the nurses put it. I feel very good now (physically). Thankfully, I'm not in pain & feel pretty normal.

Emotionally, I'm not too sure... I'm numb. I'm not sure it has really hit me or maybe it's just that I'm not letting it hit me. DH said I'm doing very well... better than he thought I would. I've teared up a few times but haven't really broken down yet. I'm sure it's coming though.

Anyway, thank you for all your thoughts & prayers... hey, that may be the reason I haven't broken down (all the prayers are working to give me some sort of peace possibly). Regardless, I know that I am in the palm of Jesus' hand & He is watching over me & is working to prosper me, not to harm me... no matter the circumstances or my understanding of why this happened. I'll be okay in Him.

My Secondary Infertility Story

So Mike (my wonderful husband) & I met in 2002 & married in 2004. We started trying to conceive (TTC) our first sometime in 2006. I don't remember exactly when in 2006 since at that time I thought it'd be easy to get pregnant since Austin (my first son from a previous marriage) was a surprise... boy was I wrong! Anyway, so we TTC for a little over a year when I started to see an OB to help aide in our TTC efforts. That's when I was dx with hypothyroidism (Nov '07). I was so happy to finally have a reason that I wasn't getting pregnant. I thought, "Great! Now maybe we can get this fixed & I can finally get pregnant!" Of course it wasn't as easy as all that... it never is, is it? It took me a year to find the right dr & the right thyroid meds to treat my hypo. So we began actively TTC again in Dec '08 after I found a new OB. The new OB ran a few more tests & dx me with a progesterone defect as well; though by all accounts & according to my chart, it appears that I am ovulating fine, with a normal luteal phase so this kinda surprised me. So we started Clomid. The 3rd round of Clomid we finally conceived our miracle baby (in April '09).

My pregnancy was uneventful & we even saw the heartbeat at my 8 wk ultrasound. Well, it was uneventful for 11 wks 3 days, that is, until I started spotting late on June 30, '09. I then went on to have a miscarriage late that night/early the next morning (between 12 & 1 am). I ended up having to go to the ER b/c of the tremendous pain I was in & had a D&C July 1, '09.

So fast-forward 3 cycles... we're finally actively TTC again since the miscarriage. We've done 2 more rounds of Clomid but both were failures.

The biggest thing that has helped me through my infertility struggles is the Lord. I actually finally accepted Jesus as my Lord & Savior in Sept '07. I have HEAVILY leaned on Him & the following scripture during my struggles...

Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I truly believe that the Lord has promised me that I will have a baby & therefore I will not stop till I have him/her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's kind of a summary or TTC "journal" of sorts:

TTC for about a year until I was dx with Hypothyroidism in Nov '07.
Started TTC again in Dec '08 after taking a year to find the right dr's to help me in my journey.

• Cycle #1: Natural ~ LH surge, day 12: Not Pregnant
• Cycle #2: Natural ~ LH surge, day 12 ~ Progesterone, day 23, 6.5: Not Pregnant
• Cycle #3: 50 mg Clomid, days 2-6 ~ LH surge, day 16 ~ Progesterone, day 22, 13.5: Not Pregnant
• Cycle #4: 50 mg Clomid, days 3-7 ~ LH surge, day 13 ~ Progesterone, day 24, 4.6 : Not Pregnant
• Cycle #5: NTNP ~ HSG, day 7, tube open ~ LH surge, day 12: Not Pregnant

April 19th, Church "corporate" prayer for our TTC struggles!

• Cycle #6: 100 mg Clomid, days 2-6 ~ LH surge, day 13 ~ Progesterone, day 23, 17: We're Pregnant!

Carried my precious miracle baby for 11 wks 3 days when I had a miscarriage on July 1, 2009 ~ Estimated due date was Jan 16, 2010! Praise you Lord for my sweet angel baby!
Per dr's orders, waited ~ 3 cycles before starting to TTC again.

• Cycle #7: 100 mg Clomid, days 2-6 ~ LH surge, day 14 ~ Progesterone, day 23, 8.4: Not Pregnant
• Cycle #8: 150 mg Clomid, days 2-6 ~ LH surge, day 13 ~ Progesterone, day 23, 4.4: Not Pregnant

Referred to an RE... 1st appt Dec 7th @ 3 pm... Have to reschedule due to death in the family.