Monday, May 24, 2010

Did you watch Army Wives last night???

I LOVE Army Wives (such a GREAT show) & last night's episode was really awesome... sad but awesome! Check out last night's episode HERE if you missed it. *Spoiler Alert* Roxy had a miscarriage. I could so relate to her feelings & she really played the part well, in my opinion. I just LOVED the dog staying right there with her b/c he knew something was wrong with her. My dogs are often the same way. I really don't remember my pups being more affectionate AFTER my miscarriage but I definitely remember thinking/wondering if one of the dogs KNEW I WAS pregnant during the weeks before my miscarriage. She was soooooooo affectionate - more than usual, almost jealous it seemed. I distinctly remember thinking, "I wonder if she KNOWS I'm pregnant" or could it be that she knew the miscarriage was coming. Now that I look back, I really don't know. Hmmmmm....

And did you see the previews for the next episode... Denise is pregnant (actually I kinda knew something like that was going to be written into the storyline but I thought it was going to be Pamela, not Denise ). Nooooooo! It's going to be interesting to see how the show plays out during the next few weeks & to see how the characters react with one another. Actually the show seems to be almost mimicking real life. I know when I had a miscarriage it just seemed like the whole world was pregnant & even got pregnant right after my miscarriage, which of course didn't make it any easier on me. Actually there were 2 other ladies at church who got pregnant right around the same time as me. We were all due very close together... one in early Jan, I was due the 16th, & the other was due the 18th. Then another lady got pregnant just a month after my miscarriage. All 3 of these ladies are wonderful, sweet, Godly women & soooooooooo deserve babies but it was so hard to watch them have wonderful pregnancies after I struggled for 3 years just to get pregnant & then lost my miracle bean way too early.

I'm glad in many ways that a show is actually approaching the topic of loss. Every time I hear of a pregnancy now, I can't help but think that you only hope you have a baby because you could so easily have a miscarriage instead. I hate to think like that but the miscarriage just does that to you, I think... it steals your innocence when it comes to pregnancy.

Though I can't believe I'm going to say this but... I wouldn't trade my miscarriage for the world. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my precious baby who sleeps in heaven & would do almost anything to have her back but I know she's safe in the arms of Jesus & what Jesus gave me (instead of my miracle baby) was Himself & I thank Him for that. Beth Moore once said that often Jesus will come into our life & literally walk right beside us and even carry us through trials but we don't recognize Him until we see His back as He's walking away (& has already carried us through that tough situation). Well, that's my miscarriage. I KNOW Jesus was right there with me the entire time but of course it wasn't till days later that I recognized Him. And I can't even begin to describe how precious those moments were in Jesus's arms. Let me tell you a bit about just *what* He did for me that night:
  • If a miscarriage had to happen, it really did happen at the perfect time. Just the week before the miscarriage Mike was out of town on a business trip. There is NO WAY I could have done that without him. I was in too much pain to drive & I would have had to be literally on my death bed before I'd be willing to call an ambulance I think.
  • As I've already mentioned in a previous post, "I had such peace during the actual miscarriage itself & even knew what was going on... that I was having a miscarriage when I have never had one before so how did I know exactly what was going on & how in the world did I not lose it emotionally that night?" (6 month break coming to an end)
  • It's usually about an hour drive to the hospital from here & that particular morning I think we got there in record time (I'm thinking it took about 45 mins). Barely any traffic & most all the traffic lights seemed to be coordinated just perfectly for us to get to the hospital in record time.
  • I tried to hold out till 8 am (for my dr's office to open) b/c I did not want to go to the ER b/c we all know how notorious they are for being packed & you having to wait in the waiting room forever & I did not want to be in pain waiting in the waiting room (I'd much rather be in pain in the comfort of my own home & on my couch). Well, we ended up going to the ER anyway b/c I was in too much pain & thankfully I walked right in & went right back. They gave me some pain killers almost immediately & I was feeling good!
  • And my absolute favorite thing... a church member (who I have always adored) works at the hospital where my OB is at. Well, she was called in to work that day on her off day. Looking back, I KNOW that God put her there for me. Only He really knows just how much it meant to me that she was there that morning. She prayed with us before the D&C & she even called some of the members of our church (who took VERY good care of us) & told them so that we didn't have to (such a huge help to me b/c I so didn't want to have to tell them... thanks to her, I didn't have to ).
So, did you watch Army Wives? What'd you think?

Friday, May 21, 2010

6 month break coming to an end...

*insert nervous smiley here*

I'm excited, a bit nervous, & somewhat shocked at how fast these months have flown by! I did finally make an appt with the RE for July 1st at 9:20 am. It's kinda ironic that my appt is on July 1st since one year ago, July 1st, I was in the hospital having a D&C due to an incomplete miscarriage.

I kinda figure though that it'll be the end of July/beginning of August when we try our first injectable cycle since my appt is at the beginning of that predicted cycle. Of course depending on how my cycle falls it may be early enough to start injectables THAT cycle! Regardless, I don't care... I don't care if I try early July, August, September or January of next year. Whatever the Lord's plan is is what I want - be it July, August, or later.

I REFUSE to get as obsessed as I have been in the past... easier said than done, I know. I have really enjoyed these 6 months though, so much so that I don't want to go back to that old way of thinking/doing things. I'm trusting & relying solely on Him to provide. I really feel refreshed & renewed; like I have a burst of energy & greater strength to move forward through what are possibly some tough & even exciting times ahead. I'm reminded of the scripture:
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:31
I know the Lord has truly blessed me through this wait:
  • increased strength & energy to face what's ahead
  • being a part of/leading a local infertility support group (Hannah's Friends)
  • free meds (Answered Prayer!!!)
  • a mini-vacation coming up at the end of June (okay so Mike has a business trip to FL coming up & I told him I'm gonna tag along. While he's working the day away, I'm gonna lay out on the beach AND... this is going to be our first time away alone together since the honeymoon 6 years ago. Not to mention a lot of it is paid for b/c it is a business trip. We are staying an extra day so that we can have one day of fun together. I'm so excited AND it is absolutely PERFECT timing considering we start back trying to conceive with medical assistance in July. I truly believe this is yet another gift from the Lord.)
Which, by the way, can I share something? Actually I'm getting this out now, partly just to see what happens. Okay, I always kinda knew that I was going to have to go to the RE & I've always kinda known that I was going to have to do injectables. I don't really know how but it has always been on my heart that I WOULD have to do these things. That's why when I got pregnant last year I was surprised, amazed, & shocked. I remember thinking, "Well, I was wrong. Yay!" Apparently, I wasn't wrong after all, huh?!

Well, during the pregnancy it was kinda in the back of my mind that I *could* have a miscarriage. Why in the world did I think that? I have never had one & didn't, at that time, know many people that had actually had one. It could be b/c I'm part of an online community where unfortunately I see miscarriages all the time. It is truly kinda scary. It could also be because the Lord was preparing me for the miscarriage He knew was in my future. And the fact that I had such peace during the actual miscarriage itself & even knew what was going on... that I was having a miscarriage when I have never had one before so how did I know exactly what was going on & how in the world did I not lose it emotionally that night? Well, I know how now... Jesus was right there holding me in His arms the entire time.

Anyway, on to my other "feelings"... I just kinda feel like I *might* be one of those lucky mommies to have twins. It's just a feeling that I have had for a while now, just like I really felt like I would have to see an RE. I have no idea how this is going to play out but I'm just putting it out there & can't wait to see what happens. I would LOVE twins but after seeing a show on Discovery, I now know that having twins is such a more complicated pregnancy so honestly, I just want His will for me. I want a healthy, happy baby & if that's twins, GREAT, but if not; if I have a singleton, GREAT. Though twins would be perfect since at the beginning of this journey, I wanted 2 more & now I'm just praying for 1 more. I just don't know if I'll go through this all again to have another after I finally get 1 out of it. I kinda feel like I won't but I also won't ever prevent the chance of getting pregnant either so if the Lord wants to surprise me in the future He can!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Pearls and Grace

I saw a link to the blog Pearls & Grace on a friend's blog yesterday... Pearls & Grace: The Sound. It brought tears to my eyes... it is definitely worth the read. What I got the most from it was...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the the desire comes, it is a tree of life. ~ Proverbs 13:12

I want to encourage those of you who are still waiting with this one little word.......


When the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

When~ Not if.

Not maybe.

Not might.

Not perhaps.

Not if only.

But WHEN. Oh that's your word today sweet reader. When. It's when. It's a timing thing. It's a God thing. It's His timing. It's His hand. It's by His power. It's when He decides. It's when we let go and let God. It's when we choose hope and faith over fear and doubt.
She also talks about her infertility struggles & the wait; how she bought baby things for her future baby by faith. Actually there's a parable about this kind of faith...

There were two farmers, neighbors, both praying for rain for their crops - for their livelihood. After praying, one farmer waited for the rain; the other farmer went to his field and started preparing for rain. Which one do you think had the greater faith?

Are you preparing for the rain? Am I? I admit that I haven't done as much of this as I would like though I do have a few things that I have purchased (my 2 favorites being a beautiful "womb" bear & a "Children's Footprints" wall plaque). I am also knitting a baby blanket (that I have been working on for over a year now LOL).

An AWESOME movie to watch about this kind of faith; you know where you actually put your money where your mouth is sort of faith is Faith Like Potatoes. If you haven't yet watched it, I highly recommend it. Actually I think I'm gonna go add it to the top of my Netflix list right now!

Another post on the blog Pearls and Grace that really touched me is this one... Pearls & Grace: The Substance Of Things Hoped For. Why this one? It starts off with one of my absolute favorite scriptures, Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" & the bottom line message is this, "If he brought me through all of this then He must have a purpose and a plan and if He did it for me, then He will do it for you as well."

I know there is a purpose & plan for my infertility struggle. I 100% believe that I didn't accidentally get pg last year or accidentally have a miscarriage. Nothing & I meaning nothing would have prevented that miscarriage. I know every single bit of this is part of His plan... yes, even the waiting. I don't always understand why but that's okay. I'm waiting & believing & until my "tree of life" comes I will serve & worship the Lord with all my being.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Show us your life...

Okay, I know I'm a few days late on this but I saw on a friend's blog that Kelly's Korner recently hosted a "show us your life" day with the theme of "Your Kid's (or future kid's) names" & I really wanted to get in on this! Better late than never, huh?!

Show Us Your Life with Kelly's Korner

I think all girls start planning their names early in life... I know I did & have had several names picked out over the years. When I was pregnant with Austin we had picked:

Austin Michael and Brittany Nicole

I hate to admit that I actually chose the name Austin because I just loved Austin Peck off of Days of Our Lives AND back then I had never heard that name & I thought it was pretty uncommon. Boy was I in for a surprise! I think everyone named their child Austin back in '96. I know one year in school there were 3 or 4 Austin's in the same room! Michael is just because I think it is a beautiful name!

Two funny stories about that name, actually:

  1. A few years after Austin was born I ran into a close friend from grade school & she had a son who was about Austin's age & can you guess what she named him??? Nope, not Austin Michael but she did name her son Michael Austin! And no, we didn't plan that but it is too cool not to mention!
  2. As you may already know, Austin is actually from a previous marriage. Well, my husband now is Michael "Mike" Thomas so often when Austin gets in trouble & I say his full name, like so many mother's do, I end up combining their names, Austin Michael Thomas H. LOL

Brittany Nicole was simply b/c we thought that was a beautiful name for a little girl. I'm so glad though I had a boy b/c Brittany Spears ruined that name for me. Not that I don't like Britany Spears (anymore ). I used to loathe her (in my early 20's) but now I feel sorry for her.

Fast-forward to 2006 when Mike & I started TTC. We chose the names:

Nicholas Connor and Chloe Elizabeth

Both b/c they are beautiful names! Chloe was Mike's pick while Mikayla Leigh (Leigh has always been one of my all-time favorite girl names) was mine but I soon grew to LOVE Chloe & was very excited to one day welcome a Chloe into our family. Well, as you know, we got pregnant last year only to have a miscarriage at 11 wks gestation. I don't know the sex of the baby we lost but I really feel, through prayer, that she was a girl & thus Chloe Elizabeth. After my miscarriage but before we were allowed to TTC with Clomid once again I had a dream:

I dreamed I had 6 babies... SIX!!! Oh, but I'd love it! In my dream they all looked so much alike that I couldn't tell who was who so my mom was there & she told me their names & all I could think was "We HAVE to name one of them Nora" so the next baby that was born was named, "Nora"!

I have hung tightly to this dream since that night! Anyway so b/c I really think Chloe is in heaven I thought that the next girl might be named:

Nora Leighanne

Technically I haven't really cleared this one with Mike. I think he is still holding out for Chloe but I really also think that Nora is the name God chose b/c I know I would have never picked that name if it weren't for the dream. Also, I looked it up & Nora means, "honor, light" & is a Latin name (my name is Latin too )! Isn't that beautiful & perfectly fitting... "light" since as you know Jesus is the light! Anyway, my heart is now set on Nora Leighanne for a girl & Nicholas Connor for a boy. I just think those are the two most perfect names on this earth!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's Day is such a hard day for so many & when I awoke this morning my heart ached for all the ladies, my sisters (sisters-in-infertility), who dread this day. I don't dread it as much, suffering from secondary infertility, as my sisters with primary infertility do but my heart breaks for all of us... all of us who long to be the mother of another child or even a mother to a child, all of the mother's who have lost a child, & all those who suffer from both infertility and pregnancy loss.

Every time I think of Mother's Day & the barren womb I can't help but think of a story I read on a friend's blog... it really puts this day in perspective for me. I hope this story touches you as much as it did me...

I read a story about a woman that had never married. She avoided the Mother's Day service at her church for 7 years because she so longed to be called a mother. She had dreamed of being a mother all of her life. The Sunday came when she felt that it was time to attend that dreaded "Mother's Day" service as a tool to aid in her own healing as a woman that would never become a mother. (she had recently had a hysterectomy in her early 40s) She forced herself up the steps of the church and into the parlor where she was greeted by an eager young boy handing out flowers to all of the mothers. She politely turned down the flower, telling the young boy that she was indeed, not a mother. She turned around with tear filled eyes to go up to the balcony when a woman her age, stopped her and said, "You most certainly ARE a mother- you are a spiritual mother and mentor to my daughter". The woman waved the little boy back over to the barren woman and with hands shaking- she accepted the flowers. She enjoyed, that day, her very first mother's day service.
Bringing Home Baby: What is a mother?

And to anyone who has lost a child way too early, I read this poem on another friend's blog earlier this afternoon & started crying. It is absolutely beautiful!
I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say: A mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today, If you could see your child smile, With other children who say: We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. "Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok. Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one. Happy mothers day, because you are a mother and you always will be!
What will be, will be: Happy Mothers Day

And last but not least, our church service this morning was AWESOME. This song (When I Cry) from the Gaither Vocal Band was sung & it really stood out to me. I'm sure it ministered to many souls this morning... I sure know it did mine! =)

God cries when we cry. He hurts when we hurt. When we lose someone close to us (our angel babies), He feels the pain too.

I pray for my brothers and sisters-in-infertility often & have been thinking a lot of you today. Happy Mother's Day to all the physical and spiritual moms and may God give you peace & strength each day.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

A flower for all the mothers who have a lost a precious little one

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.

In loving memory of my sweet angel baby, Chloe. Mommy loves & misses you sooooooo much! <3