Long time no see... um, write I mean! =)

Sorry I haven't updated my blog in so long but soooooooooo much has been going on.

God is good... all the time! They're ours!!! After 5.5 years of infertility & many, many prayers for a baby God has blessed us with 2 beautiful toddlers (Charlie, 2, & Abbie, 3). It was May 22nd that we were first approached about possibly fostering/adopting these 2 children (News!!!) & on June 21st we became their legal guardians. We actually brought them home on Thurs, June 23rd, & I'm telling you I can't get ANYTHING done unless they are asleep. It was like BAM & their ours... it all happened so fast & there was a definite period of adjustment in there. So we are their parents for as long as God allows... we are guardians which means their parents still have rights & could actually petition the court for them at any time unless we hire a lawyer to discuss possible adoption.

God is soooooooooooo good & sooooooooooo faithful & He has really taken a horrible situation & has done something really beautiful with it, not to mention that He brought 2 completely unrelated families together to become one family... I love this family so much; as if they were my own. But still please remember the family in your prayers & these children who just lost the only mother they have ever really known about 2 months ago. Their grandmother died Sat night, June 25th. The children are doing well... I honestly think they are too young to really comprehend what's going on.

I do have to add that the home visit went really well... I fully believe that the reason it went as well as it did was because God was/is in this. Though I don't want to sugar coat it, the home study was emotionally difficult on me... if I wasn't fully committed to the Lord & HIS will above my own, I would have quit right then & there - that's how difficult it was on me but I KNOW God knows better than me & I fully trust Him so I will follow Him no matter what. I have actually seen God literally move mountains over the past 2 months. And now that they are here, I LOVE these 2 precious babies so so much. I can't imagine my life without them & I hope I never have to.

Oh & remember my post about my fears & why I felt adoption wasn't a good option for us, 2nd injectables cycle RE follow-up appt update... well, Rex is a big baby with them. I was so scared & for no real reason at all. He is AMAZING with those children. Yeah, he did bark in the beginning but now they hug, kiss, pet, & play with him ALL THE TIME & he loves them just as much as they love him!!! Praise the Lord because it was Him & Him alone that moved sooooooooooooo many mountains to bring these wonderful, beautiful children into our lives.

And can I add that God is teaching me so much about Himself through these little children. I once heard Beth Moore talk about how love comes from God first & when we feel like telling Him we love Him we should really say, "I love you too" because it came from Him first. Anyway, I tell Abbie & Charlie, "I love you," like 100 times a day. Okay not really 100 times a day but I tell them A LOT. And then a week or 2 AFTER I started telling them soooooooo much that I love them, I caught Charlie telling everyone he loves them. Not exactly the same but it just reminds me of what Beth Moore said anyway.

And the other thing that I have heavily reflected on since God has blessed us with their care is just how beautiful & perfect these children are in my eyes (beautiful eyes, hair, noses, ears, toes, lips... you name it & I LOVE it). I can't imagine just how much God loves us if I love these children as much as I do. And I know God thinks the same way (only times 10!) about us... we are beautiful to Him, imperfections & all.

And now my beautiful babies...

Brother & sisterly love!


Being silly before church!

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him.
~ 1 Samuel 1:27

He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.
~ Psalm 113:9

Thank you Lord!!! You have blessed me beyond measure!

Sharing... for the glory of God!

I have been so reserved about this possible adoption... part of me wanting to share & shout to the world just what God has & is doing but at the same time part of me wants to hold back out of respect for the family's privacy & if I'm honest with myself, out of fear as well (fear of the "what ifs" as well as fear of putting the most vulnerable parts of my heart out there for the whole world to read).

But after reading a post on one of my favorite blogs, God's Faithfulness Through Infertility: for the glory of God, I have decided to share, for the glory of God. I know that no matter what, God is in control & if these children are meant to be ours God will move the mountains that may be standing in our way & these children WILL be ours but if, for whatever reason, they don't become ours then they were never really ours to begin with.

I probably don't need to tell you the fact that DHR will have to come into our home is somewhat nerve-racking for me but I am trusting in God & God alone.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
~ Psalm 46:1

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
~ Psalm 91:2

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
~ Psalm 121:1-2

I don't know why it is so scary for me considering I've seen God's mighty work in this infertility journey... free injectables, the crib (that is now converted into a toddler bed ) , the fact that I even got pregnant when I did is a miracle & then I went on to ovulate with no medical assistance at all even though we didn't get pregnant (which I fully believe we didn't get pregnant because He called us to adopt).

Remembering His faithfulness in the past does make it easier though I do have to constantly remind myself:

God is in control, not DHR. God is in control, not DHR.
Don't be afraid, just believe. Don't be afraid, just believe.

God's word tells us over & over, "Fear Not," but it is obviously such a normal human emotion. I am choosing to give all my fears over to Him & trust Him daily which of course is not always easy since we seem to always want to control everything (especially me, being a type A personality). We don't control anything, as I am learning in this journey. Any control we seem to have is only an illusion because we aren't in control, God is; which is really better anyway. If I were in control I'm sure I'd screw it all up.

Last but not least I wanted to share some meaningful quotes from a recent devotion a friend shared with me. Love.Serve.Shine: The Pretzel Solution:

God will provide a lamb. It is well within the nature of God to allow our circumstances to reach a place of utter hopelessness, so that He might provide the hope. What we deem impossible, He calls simple. Time after time, Scripture paints a picture of God providing the perfect solution at the perfect time. The common denominator? Simple faith in a great God.

Do your circumstances look insurmountable? Stop looking around and look up. Trust that the One who brought you to the fire will walk you through it. Not sure what tomorrow holds? The One who holds tomorrow whispers, Fear not. I walk before you, beside you and behind you. I will tell you when to go and when to rest. I will carry you and see you through. Trust in Me with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).

This particular devotion is based on some very special scripture for me. If you remember from an earlier post, R&R at Fort Walton Beach, you'll remember how Genesis 22 speaks to me about God providing children. And then the next day (after reading Love.Serve.Shine.) I find an awesome video on the exact same scripture:

I know He's speaking to me saying, "Trust me, I've got this" so I'm going to hold my head up high & trust Him & Him alone to pull me through this, one way or another. Why? Because my God is faithful!

The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
~ Psalm 118:6

News!!!

Someone approached us Sunday, May 22nd, at church about possibly fostering/adopting 2 children: a boy, 2, & a girl, 3... both have birthdays in August. Their grandmother (current guardian) is dying of cancer & these children need a home when it happens. The family wants a Christian family for these 2 precious children & approached me after hearing that we were considering adoption. Oh & can I share HOW she heard we were considering adoption... it was a direct result of the Jonah study that I just finished (I wrote about starting the study here... 5 years). I shared my belief that the Lord wanted us to adopt at the beginning of the study & apparently this opportunity presents itself at the end of the study (we just finished the study a few weeks ago).

Anyway, Mike & I have thought & prayed about it & yesterday we contacted the lady who I spoke with Sunday to tell her that we are interested. Now we have to contact DHR & go from there. We aren't home study approved yet but I'm sure we will figure it all out. I have MAJOR cleaning to do this week. I'm terrified & excited & even have a lot of peace, knowing God is in this & we are one step closer to the child or children He promised!!! To God be the glory!!!

And then this morning's devotional was based on one of my favorite scriptures, Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you.' Declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (http://narrowroadtravels.com/fearnt24.aspx). It was just so special!

I can't believe this could be it but I am also so sad for these children. Their world is falling apart... the only real mother they have ever known is dying. Please pray for everyone involved... the grandmother, all the other family, but especially the children; and of course us as we embark on a new chapter in our lives.

Praise You, Lord!

Positive Affirmation!

I will have a baby! The end!

Some background... Monday night at a Prayer Ministry meeting at church I got to talking to our Prayer Ministry leader & we talked about a verse that God gave me THAT day that I really feel is my verse; the verse He gave me to come to when this road feels too tough...

"Don't be afraid; just believe." ~ Mark 5:36

Anyway, we got to talking about positive affirmation & how I need to believe that I will have a baby so this is a phrase I am going to start repeating to myself (out loud) every morning over my crib that the Lord so graciously provided a few months ago (God's Perfect Timing). I'm repeating this out loud b/c as Beth Moore says, there's power in spoken words & as I have heard many times, faith comes from hearing God's Word (Romans 10:17) & through faith we can literally move mountains:

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
~ Matthew 17:20

Anyway, then yesterday, as I started to catch up on some of the blogs I follow, one of my favorite blogs had a 2 part post speaking about almost the exact same thing... Pearls & Grace: Decree a Thing {Part 1} & {Part 2}. So I am going to start speaking these things (among others) over our family...

• I will have a baby (whether by conception or adoption).
• I decree and declare that my womb is blessed and that I am able to conceive, carry and deliver healthy and whole full term babies. (borrowed from Pearls & Grace)

Last but not least, I never really shared anything more, though I said I would in my last post. What I was hoping to share is my feeling led toward fostering & I (personally) still do feel led more toward fostering than domestic adoption at this point (of course I'm not sure how/what Mike is feeling right now concerning adoption/fostering) but I never came back because the next few days/weeks were so emotional & hard for me, I just couldn't share my heart at that point in time.

God even controls the Internet!!! =)

Seriously, He does!!!

So Monday night, I actually went over to a friend's house after the infertility support group & then didn't get home till 1:30 am! So when I woke up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too early Tuesday morning, at 7 am, I decided to skip my 1 hour daily Bible study that I do first thing EVERY morning & instead do a shorter devotional from a recent web site that a friend introduced me to (Love.Serve.Shine). The site's "Daily Bread" is awesome & is actually what I wanted to do as my quiet time Tuesday morning but alas, the Lord had other plans! When I tried to go to the website, I kept getting a "server not found" error. I tried every way I knew how to get to the web site b/c I really wanted to read the "Daily Bread" but it just was NOT happening so I was a little frustrated & thought about what I could do/use as my quiet time. Then it came to me... we did a devotional on fear a while back in the infertility support group I mentioned previously (Hannah's Friends) so I decided to check out the next devotional study in that series instead.

It was okay but what really grabbed me was when I decided to look ahead & see what the future lessons looked like. Part 5 was based around a scripture that my friend who I had just seen hours before had shared with me. She said that when she read several passages from 2 Chronicles 20 she just thought about me...

Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you.
~ 2 Chronicles 20:15, 17

And here's the actual devotional lesson that is centered around this scripture...

Fear Not
Learning to fear less in a fearful world
by Jennifer Wennekamp

Scripture Reading: 2 Chronicles 20

Key Scripture: You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’ ” 2 Chronicles 20:17 NIV

This week our topic is that we do not need to be afraid because God will fight for us. We need to realize that there are going to be times when we are approaching a fight that our job will only be to get ready for the fight, but God will take over from there. It seems so often that we want to be in control. We want to control all the situations we are in and so sometimes we think we have to do all the fighting or we will not get what we want, when we want, how we want. We forget to factor God into the equation. We often don’t even want to let God in on the process until we are at our wits end and feel that we have to give up.

In Deuteronomy 3:22 it says- “Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God shall fight for you.” And I really like it in 2 Chronicles 20:17 “But you will not even need to fight, Take your positions; stand still and watch the salvation of the Lord with you. O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you.” God will fight for us. In fact often the fight isn’t even ours. In 2 Chronicles it says that the battle was God’s. The people were going through the battle, but it was God’s battle and he was going to make sure they got through it. He does not want us to fight a fight that he knows we can not win. If we try to fight the fight on our own we may not win, but God can fight it so we do win. Sometimes there are fights we go through that we lose, but the Bible says there is no temptation that has taken us that he has not made a way out of. We can win any battle we are in with his help, but if we do not turn to him, focus on him, and follow his wisdom we may not win the battles. So if we are doing our part He is there and present to fight the fight for us when it is necessary.

Sometimes it is necessary in life for us to let our kids go through their own fights. Some of the fights that our kids deal with, help them to grow. If we see our kids in a fight we may observe the situation and see if it is something the can handle and will help them grow and so we let them go ahead and deal with it. Other times we look and see that they are in over their head, or that there is something in that fight that we do not want them to experience and so we go in and take over the fight. That is how God is with us. Sometimes he steps in and takes over for us to protect us or even to remind us of his wonderful love.

There have been several times in my life that I felt that God has called me to do something, but I could not see how in the world it was going to happen. I would start to get a little fearful thinking that I had to make it work out because I knew God had spoken to me about it, and I was afraid if I didn’t push and push that it wouldn’t happen. I would believe God called me to do the thing, but not think about letting God be the one to work it out. Then at these times I would finally come to the point where I realized that I had taken the steps that I could, and that I couldn’t do any more. If it was going to happen, God would be the one that would have to make it work. Sometimes that is just how it is.

Even though God will fight for us we can not allow ourselves to get to the place where we allow this promise to make us lazy. We can not just sit back and say “This is God’s fight so I don’t have to do any work.” That is not what 2 Chronicles 20 says at all. God told them that they should still take up their positions. We still need to take our positions. We still need to start taking the steps that are necessary to win our battle, and then as we are in position God can open those doors necessary to win our battle. He can bring the right people in our path when we are ready to meet them, those divine connections that he has set in place for us. But we have to be ready for it when those instances come. If God has a divine connection for us, but we haven’t taken the steps to be ready when it arrives then we will not be able to do what God wants us to do. We can not be like the man that is on his roof in a flood and he cries out to God asking God to save him, but as the man sits there a row boat rows by and asks him to come in his boat, the man says “no, God is going to save me.” Then a helicopter flies by and they try to rescue him and he says, “no, God is going to save me.” Then the man dies and he asks God, why didn’t you save me? And God tells him I sent the rowboat and the helicopter, but you wouldn’t get in. God will fight for us and make a way- he will send us the rowboats and the helicopters when we need them, but we need to be willing to get in.

We need to remember Isaiah 1:19 that says “If you are willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land.” We must be willing to do our part, whatever our part is. Sometimes our part will just be the preparation and sometimes our part will be getting in there and fighting a good fight, but we must be obedient and willing to do whichever one God is leading us to at that time. When we come to a place where we feel we can’t do anything else, that may be a sign that we are trying to do all the fighting and not let God do any of the fighting for us. When fear starts to creep in when you are facing a trial, take a step back and pray asking God what you are supposed to do, and be quick to stop and let God handle the fight if he asks you to.

Confession/Prayer: Father God, We pray and thank you for fighting for us. Thank you that help us to win the battles that we are in. Help us to be sensitive to our part in the battles, and to recognize the times that we need to just stand still and let you fight. Help us to rest in you and give you glory in everything that you do for us. In Jesus Name, Amen

(http://narrowroadtravels.com/fearnotpt5.aspx)

And what's even funnier, after reading this devotional, I went back just to see if I could get onto the Love.Serve.Shine site & I could, no problems at all! God used a divine intervention to navigate me to this set of devotionals so that He could speak directly to me. It can be & is so exciting to be walking with the Lord daily!

So, what is He saying to me? How does this apply to me? This (adoption) is God's battle, not mine. I have to do everything *I* can to put myself in the position to adopt when He calls but once I have done what I can do I need to let go & let God fight this battle for me. There is only so much I can do. Only God can speak to both Mike & I, bringing us to the same page on adoption. Only God can fight the supernatural things that might be going on that I don't even know are out there. Only God can set up those divine connections & I just need to be in a position to be ready to accept them when they come.

Reminds me of one of my absolute favorite songs in the world...

As you can tell, I really love music. It just really speaks to me & this song is one of those really special songs to me.

And I thought it was going to be quiet around here! LOL

The wait is over!

AF is here (after being 5 days late no less )! I was hoping that maybe *she* would stay away but alas! So we *should* be going back to the RE for stronger meds (Follistim + Menopur + Ganirelix) but I do have an announcement...

Meds are over... I'm done with trying to conceive with medical assistance (& it feels soooooooooo good )! After the lap, you just can't tell me that I can't get pregnant. I can & I will if it's the Lord's will. AND the biggest announcement: I really feel like the Lord is calling us to adopt. Hubby isn't quite on the same page as me but I KNOW that if this is truly the Lord's will (as I believe it is) He will speak to Mike & bring Mike on board as well so I'm not toooooooo worried! I'll admit, I wish I could say that we were moving forward with adoption but right now we are in the "considering" stage.

We've actually already met with an agency... we attended an "information meeting" but I didn't really get the information I wanted from the meeting so I'm going to schedule an individual appointment with them & talk one on one. I did like them over all (though I knew I would), mostly because they are Christ-centered & this particular agency does offer at least one definite advantage over others... you don't lose your money if one adoption falls through, you can just transfer it to another adoption program within the organization. As they explained it, it's a ministry & they want to place children in loving, Christian homes.

If you're interested, below is the story of just how the Lord spoke to me & started changing my heart, opening it to adoption (& I do have to add that this is an AWESOME story, in my opinion anyway )...

Tuesday (Jan 18th) night, a friend on Facebook shared a video made by this girl who was adopted. It really moved me (& I even got teary-eyed) & I noticed in particular the verse she shared at the end of the video...

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
~ John 14:18

So then Wednesday morning during Austin's Science class (we homeschool) we often read scriptures with our Science book. One particular scripture really jumped out at me...

"Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies."
~ Romans 8:23

It was funny b/c in the back of my mind I thought, "Hmmmm... I wonder if I'll hear another 'adoption' scripture tomorrow." But again, I just kinda passed it off & went on about my day not thinking about it again.

THEN Thursday, again during Science class, we were trucking along (almost at the end of class) & all of a sudden I thought, "Hey, I haven't heard another 'adoption scripture' yet." The VERY next verse Austin read in science was...

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight."
~ Ephesians 1:4

And this scripture really jumped out at me. And it, I felt, was my "adoption" scripture (even though as you'll notice adoption isn't mentioned outright).

Anyway, so I wanted to mark these in my Bible & when I get to Ephesians guess what Ephesians 1:5 goes on to say...

"In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will."

At this point I KNEW... we're NOT getting pregnant (we were in our 1st month of trying to conceive naturally since the lap when all this happened) & notice, even 5 days late last cycle, we're still not pregnant. Why? I believe in every fiber of my being that God wants us to adopt.

I actually then called one of my best friends & she confessed to me that she had been having a sort of adoption feeling for me since BEFORE Christmas but she never said anything b/c she felt like that was my decision & was between me & God but when I broached the subject with her Thursday (Jan 20th), that's when she confessed. Specifically she said that anytime she sees adoption posters or advertisement, I just come to mind & she really believes it is the Holy Spirit speaking to her.

I, of course, would LOVE any child... biological or not but I'm going to confess here... adoption has always scared me. Mostly the money. I KNOW if God is in this, He will provide so I try not to think about it & lean on Him, having faith.

Anyway, so I've been thinking A LOT about adoption lately. Like, what kind of adoption does God want us to do? Embryo adoption (like I had wrote about several months ago... At the crossroads), traditional baby adoption (domestic or international), or traditional older child adoption (from foster care). I have always kinda felt pulled toward an older child (since I know a lot of people want babies, leaving the older children in the system who want nothing more than someone to love them) but God is softening my heart toward domestic adoption (I just can't give up the idea of having a baby right now... I do want to adopt an older child but in the future since I really feel like time is running out for a baby (I'm not getting any younger over here )) so right now I feel a pull toward domestic or embryo adoption, but which?

I'll definitely keep you posted but it could get quite around here for a little while, until there is something to update.

So, I'm going to leave you with 2 scriptures that really speak to me right now...

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
~Exodus 14:14

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
~1 Corinthians 2:9

Thank you, Jesus!