Prediction...

So Austin said the other day that this will be our cycle! I, of course, asked him how he knew & he said God told him it was. Oh I hope it is!

By my best guess though, I really think I ovulated early Wednesday (Sept 22nd) morning (I had what could have been very mild ovulation pains). Of course this is only a few hours after taking my trigger shot so I really have no idea. I think you are supposed to ovulate 36-48 hours after trigger but because of my declining estradiol level Tuesday morning maybe I started ovulating on my own yet again. Now I wish I would have taken my basal temps this cycle so I'd have a better idea of exactly when I ovulated but honestly, I got lazy. All these tests, procedures, charts, & such month after month after month after month are just sooooooooooooo draining & you get tired of it. I'm tired of taking my temp at 4 am every morning, disrupting my sleep. I'm tired of the tests & procedures & "trying" so hard because we've got so much money invested into this so I was lazy this cycle & didn't take my temps.

Although, doing a Google search, I did find some interesting info which may explain some of what is going on with me:

Case: 34 year old G1 P1 undergoing a cycle of controlled ovarian hyperstimulation with intrauterine insemination (COH/IUI) has 8 ovarian follicles measuring about 14-15 mm in diameter (with several smaller follicles), good interval (daily) growth of follicles, and a drop in estradiol concentration from 1025 pg/mL to 800 pg/mL in the past day (without a change in the dose of FSH containing medication).

Question: What is the significance of this drop in estradiol concentration and what should be recommended at this time?

Answer: The estradiol concentration usually continues to rise (without decreasing) throughout most of ovarian follicular maturation and then will drop sharply immediately (about one day) prior to ovulation. This woman's drop in estradiol concentration most likely signals the onset of the LH surge and impending ovulation. One exception would be if the dosage of FSH containing medication was recently decreased, in which case the estradiol concentration often decreases due to lower production by the smaller follicles (the larger follicles continue to grow and produce estradiol).

If ovulation was triggered by the woman's own LH surge this cannot be "reversed" or prevented. Therefore, I generally complete ovulation with the hCG (profasi) injection and plan an intrauterine insemination if there are follicles greater than 12-14mm diameter (size at which mature eggs commonly exist).

http://www.thenewjerseyovulationcenter.com/normal_events_cases.php

Hmmmmmm... I have always ovulated in a sense on my own so is this really that surprising? Yeah, technically I'm anovulatory (i.e. the absence of ovulation) but I have regular 26-28 day cycles, normal luteal length of about 12 days, I've always gotten + OPKs, killer ovualation pains each month, & a thermal temp shift every cycle I have temped. The only reason we know I have ovulation problems is my progesterone is never high enough, indicating ovulation, when we test it after having supposedly ovulated; thus indicating ovulatory dysfunction. And that brings us to one of my favorite books, Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, which states, when referring to "Luteal Phase Problems," pgs 178-179:

There are basically 3 different types of problems that can occur, all of which are usually a reflection of a dysfunctional ovulatory problem:

1. ...
2. The luteal phase appears to be a normal length, but the amount of progesterone is not optimal to produce an ideal uterine environment for implantation.
3. ...

So, am I ovulating or not? I'm honestly not real sure what all of this means exactly but I just found it interesting & am kinda "thinking out loud," I suppose. TCOYF also does mention getting prolactin checked as a possible cause of luteal phase defects.

All I know, & have said before, is that it will be an absolute miracle if, no when, we get pregnant. So I just have to end this post on a positive note... if our miracle bean does join our family this cycle, my due date should be on or around June 15th (God-willing)!

What IF? (Project IF)

What if I am never able to give my husband a biological child? What if I never get another chance to "get it right"?

As you may already know I am dealing with secondary infertility & already have a 14 year old child from a previous marriage. I got married & pregnant literally right out of high school, back when I was young & immature & lets not forget, stupid! I was so naive & took so many things for granted. I didn't raise Austin like I should have; I didn't teach him about Jesus or very little about Jesus anyway. I didn't even really know Jesus myself back then so how could I have taught a child about Him. My parents pretty much raised Austin while I went to college to get a degree so I missed or worse yet, don't remember most of his "firsts"... his first steps, his first word, his first tooth. I have felt so much guilt for being such a bad parent to him. Well, I wasn't baaaaaaaad but I certainly wasn't a good parent, either. I was, like I said earlier, young, naive & immature.

I sooooooooooo want a do-over. I want to do it right this time around; I'm just sorry I wasn't there for Austin through the years like I should have been. I've really turned my life around in the past few years though (better late than never ) & am living for Jesus Christ daily now. My priorities have changed tremendously; I quit my job early last year so I can stay at home with the baby when I am so blessed as well as to homeschool Austin & our future bean(s). I want to be involved this time. I want to be a better parent. I want to be there for that child but will I get that chance?

Will I ever be able to give Mike a biological child to cuddle? Mike has no biological children (except the one in heaven who was lost last year due to a miscarriage) & actually I am his first (& hopefully only ) marriage. Mike did it right from the beginning & guess who's reproductive system is broken? Mine! Why was it so easy when I wasn't even trying but now that I am trying & want to do it "right" is it so hard to conceive? I know that Jesus has a plan & it's a perfect plan, a plan to prosper us, not to harm us so I am waiting & believing! I know I will be a mother to another wonderful miracle & this time I am going to cherish every moment, knowing this child is a gift from God.

What if I am blessed beyond belief for my faith & obedience to God through this journey? What if I get pregnant with twins (yes I secretly fantasize about having twins but that's another story )?

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is next week, April 24th - May 1st. You can get more info here... http://www.resolve.org/takecharge. And info on infertility in general here... http://www.resolve.org/infertility101.

Have you heard???

RESOLVE is getting the word out about infertility through their "What IF" campaign. Check it out, Bloggers Unite: Project IF. The first part of the campaign lasts till Friday, the 16th, if you want to add your "What if" question! I know I'm posting a little late but I've been crazy busy lately!

My what if??? What if I misunderstood God when I believe I heard Him tell me we WOULD have a baby? What if I never get pregnant? You can read more about my fear (which I refuse to give in to, by the way) in a post I made just a few weeks ago, Hannah's Friends (check out the bottom of the post). Though I do have a HUGE praise to share regarding this (Answered Prayer).

While blog-hopping I also ran across this amazing organization for those of us going through infertility... Fertility Socks! What a wonderful, cute, sweet idea! Definitely worth checking out.

Also be sure to check out Nat Geo, tomorrow the 13th, if you can for the program, "Sizing Up Sperm." I've heard it's VERY informative! I haven't seen it yet but I plan on watching/recording it tomorrow!

Things not to say to those who are suffering through infertility...

Here's a list of comments that infertile couples hate to hear. I compiled this list from my own experience, other infertility survivor's experiences, When the Cradle is Empty by John & Sylvia Regenmorter, & The Infertility Companion by Glahn & Cutrer.

• "Just Relax! You're trying too hard." or "You're thinking about it too much." Okay, this one is my all time pet peeve. Relaxing is not going to help a bona-fide medical condition. Let's all go tell the person who just got diagnosed with cancer to "Just relax!" I'm probably comparing "apples to oranges" as my husband likes to say but this one makes me want to scream so please don't tell me to relax! If you don't want to take my word for it, here's what The Infertility Companion has to say about the subject, "About 80-85% of the time, doctors find a diagnosable medical cause, for which no amount of relaxation will help. And in cases of unexplained infertility, often the problem is due to a factor such as chromosomal abnormalities that are impossible to discover through a routine workup. (In other words, ... A diagnosis of unexplained infertilty may mean that there is no method yet developed for diagnosing the problem.)" (pg 27)
• Referring to secondary infertility, "You've already experienced the miracle of childbirth once." or "Think of all the people who don't have any kids." So b/c I have experienced it once, 14 years ago, in my previous marriage, & at a time where I took everything for granted means it is wrong for me to long for another child; a child who is biologically part of me & my husband together, a child who will be my husband's first biological child. I do want it for myself (I have finally turned my life around, given my life to Jesus Christ, & want to do it right this time - I want to teach my baby all about Jesus from the time of birth, which is something I never did with Austin, though I praise the Lord every day for him) but I also want it for my husband (Mike has never seen a gender ultrasound, never experienced the miracle of childbirth or feeling the baby kick, he has never taken care of a newborn or watched him/her grow - he became an instant dad to an 8 year old & trust me, it was a rough start).
• "At least you can have fun trying! (Wink, wink!)" Timed intercourse, month after month, for possibly years on end is NOT fun; it is very stressful! According to The Infertility Companion, "In a study of more than 2,000 Christian women, 'lengthy infertility treatment' was listed as one of the four key causes of sexual aversion. (The other three were childhood sex abuse, rape, & painful labor & delivery.)" (pg 26) Sound fun to you?
  
• "Maybe you're just not meant to have children." or "You're being too sensitive." or "It might never be in God's plan for you to have a baby." This one is my husband's favorite. True, we may NEVER have a baby but saying this just hurts; it doesn't help us feel better, it just HURTS.
  
• "Adopt, then you'll get pregnant." We all know *someone* who got pregnant after adopting but have you ever stopped to consider that maybe the Lord wanted that family to adopt (& thus allowed infertility in their lives b/c otherwise they would never have even considered adoption) & once they took that step of obedience He, then, opened her womb, allowing them to finally get pregnant? Actually, "it has been estimated that between 5 & 14% of couples who quit treatment & pursue adoption eventually go on to conceive. That's about the same percentage as for couples who quit treatment, choose not to adopt, & subsequently conceive." (The Infertility Companion, pg 28-29)
• "You can always adopt." It's not always that easy & it is expensive. There are so many rules & regulations when it comes to adoption & often adoptive parents feel like they are put under a microscope & even question, "Would a birth mother even choose us to parent their child?" There are forms to fill out (with questions that are VERY in-depth, just check out a friend's blog for some of the questions she has had to answer through her adoption process, Taking things one step at a time: The easy part is done...), background checks to complete, physicals to be performed, & home studies to be done. (What is a home study? Well, that's where a social worker comes into your home & interviews you, while determining if your home meets the minimum requirements to provide a good environment for a child. Talk about pressure!)
  
• "It'll happen when it is meant to happen." or "God will bring you a baby when you are ready for it." or "Just give it some time. It'll happen!" or "Think more positively, it'll happen."
• "Shouldn't you just pray about it harder? I really think if you just prayed and really believed, God will answer." Being a Christian myself, this one just irritates me. I haven't heard this one personally but I know several other ladies who have so it seems to be a common comment unfortunately. So what you are saying is that the person is not praying hard enough OR that God is cruel & just doesn't care; both are WRONG.
• "If you are having trouble getting pregnant, why don't you just do IVF like Jon and Kate?" IVF doesn't always work plus like adoption, it's expensive, but not only that, IVF is a serious medical procedure & not something to be taken lightly. I have never had to cross the IVF bridge & hope that I don't but a recent friend has. You can check out her blog for a little more insight into the seriousness of IVF, Bringing Home Baby: Resting.
• "I can understand why you'd want to have a baby with your husband, but it's not the end of the world if you don't."
  
• Referring to miscarriage, "It was probably for the best." or "There must have been something wrong with your baby if you miscarried." or "At least you know you can get pregnant."

In most, if not all, of the comments above, "the would-be encourager totally invalidates the grief that runs through the very core of the infertile person." (The Infertility Companion, pg 30) The Bible even tells us that the barren womb is never satisfied. It is natural for the childless couple to want children. (Proverbs 30:15-16)

For those of you that know someone who is suffering through infertility:
What can you say? How can you help? You really don't have to say anything at all. Just be there for that person. Be understanding & sympathetic (even though you may not fully understand her emotions). Honestly, the best thing you can do is listen & be a shoulder to cry on. Oh & here's an AWESOME video that everyone who knows someone with infertility should watch... http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

And for my infertility brothers & sisters:
We are going to encounter those who just don't know what to say so they misguidedly say the wrong thing. Forgive them. Let it roll off your back & when it hurts the most, turn to the Lord. He is the only one who can ease the pain. And please don't ever think (unless the Lord has specifically told you otherwise) that your infertility is due to your past or present sin & that you are now being punished or that your infertility is a curse.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
John 9:2-3

Infertility's Common Thread

I was blog surfing & ran across this "infertility movement" that, in my opinion, is AWESOME. It's like a secret infertility sisterhood of sorts...


For anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, struggled with pregnancy, and all things infertile…there is a movement upon us that you might want to join. It’s rather simple actually: a discreet ribbon on your right wrist to signal to others that they are not alone in their struggles.

The pomegranate-colored thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through any means, natural or A.R.T., families created through adoption or surrogacy, or couples trying to conceive during infertility or secondary infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware. Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-colored thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Wal-mart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others. Just thought I would pass the word along!

See where it all started, HERE. I can't wait to get the thread & make a bracelet for myself! =)

Talking about infertility misconceptions

I have often heard of those who believe that fertility treatments (specifically IVF) are "playing God." I have honestly NEVER understood this myself since IVF treatments fail, ya know. Only God can ultimately allow IVF to work or not.

As a noted theologian has pointed out, unless scientists start commanding matter to emerge from nothingness, we're in no danger of anyone "playing God" anytime soon, at least in the creative sense.

(The Infertility Companion, pg 164)

So there you have it... we're not "playing God" by seeking medical help, even IVF. All we are trying to do is to use medicine to help us get where we can't get ourselves without help. It really is no different than someone who has cancer, seeking chemo or someone who breaks a bone, getting a cast. We are simply using medicine b/c obviously something is broken or else we could get pregnant like the rest of the population.

And the 2nd misconception goes out to my sisters in infertility:

Sometimes, despite the fact that they've hated pregnancy announcements for so long, infertile couples who finally conceive expect their infertile friends to be overjoyed for them. After all, their infertile friends know exactly what the couple has been through up to that point! Yet expecting these friends to rejoice––at least initially––may be asking too much. Not only may the news be a grief trigger, but it may also evoke a sense of abandonment. So no matter how much a pregnant patient wants her infertility buddies to scream & hug her when she has good news, she still needs to consider writing notes to these friends. That allows them to endure the initial shock in private & then to offer congratulations when they're ready.

(The Infertility Companion, pg 235)

I'm not sure that I would have thought about this before reading it but I do second it whole-heartedly. I remember when a good friend got pregnant who really deserves it but she got pregnant before I did & at first all I could think of was how happy I was for her but also how sad I was for me. She finally got the thing that I so desperately want.

I actually just finished the book, The Infertility Companion, & LOVED it. I highly recommend it to anyone suffering through infertility.

Interesting infertility information...

from my reading of The Infertility Companion by Glahn & Cutrer.

Is there a scientific link between fertility & prayer? It would appear so. Researchers in one study discovered that women at an IVF clinic had higher pg rates when, unknown to the patients, total strangers prayed for their success. In the study, researchers found that of the 199 women involved, those who were prayed for became pg twice as often as those who were not the focus of prayer. The researchers said they initially hesitated to report their findings but ultimately decided the information was too significant to suppress. None of the patients knew about the study, nor did the medical staff caring for them.

(pg 141)

Research suggests that IVF babies' families are stable & strong. In fact, couples who hae had a child with some high-tech help have marriages that are as strong or stronger than couples who have not struggled with infertility.

(pg 159)

Personally I believe your marriage comes out STRONGER. If your marriage can survive infertility, I think it can survive just about anything.