Saturday, March 27, 2010

My Bracelet!!!

I finally bought the #814 embroidery thread! (Infertility's Common Thread)

But as you can see my right arm is getting kinda busy, huh???

The blue thread is my "Believing God" bracelet from Beth Moore's Believing God Bible study. This is the 1st Bible study that I have ever done & it was actually given to me as a gift. I honestly believe it was a *God-thing* because I really needed it when I got it & it was free & very unexpected. I didn't know which way to turn or understand but this study answered all those questions & really gave me roots or a foundation to build upon. He provides for us when we need it & this bracelet is my way of remembering that & His faithfulness.

The charm bracelet is my memorial bracelet for my precious angel baby. As you know I was blissfully pregnant last year (actually next cycle, a year ago, is when I finally got pregnant after 3 years of infertility) for 11 full weeks when I had a miscarriage (My Miscarriage Story, Remembering My Sweet Angel). Anyway, this bracelet is one way I remember my sweet angel & I carry her around with me where ever I go.

There is actually a necklace that I want but it's a bit pricey... maybe one day!

I almost bought an awareness ribbon to put on my infertility bracelet but with the charm bracelet I thought I wouldn't just yet but if I ever buy the necklace, I just may!

I mentioned that the bracelet is one way I remember my angel. Well, I also have her pic on my mantel with my other family pics & just like I hug my 14 year old son every night before bed; I kiss baby's picture every night & tell her "Night, night." Both of these things (the pic on my mantel & the charm bracelet) just help me feel like she is with me every day & it also helps me to go on with my life because I can tell you, I can't imagine life without her. I am the mother of 2, one here on earth & the other in heaven.

Wow, this has been an emotional post for me today but emotional in a good way... I'd much rather shed a few tears & grieve over my lost child than to not have any feelings for her at all. I LOVE remembering her & talking about her, though a few tears may be shed. Thanks so much for listening to me pour my heart out.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hannah's Friends

Wow! God is GOOD!!! He has opened so many doors for me & I am so very grateful that such a BIG God notices little me. A friend is moving & stepping down as the leader of a local infertility support group, Hannah's Friends. Well, after prompting from the Lord, I stepped up to fill her shoes within the group. I KNOW this is where the Lord wants me... He has confirmed it for me several times since.

Anyway, we (the support group) met last night & I finally got to meet A in person! She led the group last night & was GREAT I might add! After last night, I kinda feel like Joshua stepping up into Moses' shoes. Seriously though, I know that with the Lord guiding me, I will do fine! A led us in a devotional about fear that was so awesome I had to share!

Fear Not
Learning to fear less in a fearful world
by Jennifer Wennekamp

Our world offers us so many opportunities to fear, but there can be no mistaking that God does not intend for us to live a life full of fear. God’s word is filled with promises that we can overcome any fear and that we do not need to let it affect us. I pray that as we begin this journey of studying God’s word on fear that we can grow in faith, confidence, and peace. I pray that these devotionals will be a blessing to you as they are to me as I prepare them.

Scripture Reading: 2 Timothy 1:6-14, Ephesians 3:14-21

Key Scripture: 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

This verse tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear! What an awesome promise. We can know then, that if we have fear- it is not what God wants for us. He did not give it to us. We could just stop there and think well I feel fear, but I know it isn’t from God and try to go on, but then we wouldn’t really get the victory over that fear. We have to realize that God didn’t give us a spirit of fear- but He did give us a different spirit. He gave us His Spirit. In 2 Timothy 1:14 (AMP) He tells us to guard and to keep- with the greatest care, the precious and excellently adapted Truth, which has been entrusted to you, by the help of the Holy Spirit who makes His home in you! In Ephesians 3:16 it says- don’t you know that you are the temple (the place that God put his presence in the Old Testament) of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you. Can you believe it? Can you even fathom it? God’s Spirit lives in and abides in you. Not just out there somewhere, but right inside you! Everywhere you go, and in everything you do- God’s Spirit is with you.

Since God’s Spirit is in us, God says we do not have to be afraid. The Spirit that He has given us is not cowardly or timid, is not lacking in love, and is not confused and unstable. It is a Spirit of power, love and a sound mind. No matter what we are going through, or how weak our human spirit feels- we have power already on the inside of us. When we feel like we can not put up with another person or when we don’t like anyone- much less love them, we have love on the inside of us. When we feel life is too much, that there are too many decisions to be made and we feel like we are losing our minds, we must remember we have a sound mind right on the inside of us!

We don’t have to be afraid because God has given us His Spirit to combat anything that would make us afraid. We may not always feel like His Spirit is there doing His job, but that isn’t because of anything God has or hasn’t done. We have to nurture and grow in Christ so we can recognize and receive that gift in our lives. We can’t live our lives always being carnally minded and expect to fully and completely receive that gift. In 1 Corinthians 3:1-3, Paul tells the Corinthians that even though they are saved Paul could still only give them the milk of the word-the basic elementary things and could not give them the meat- the deeper and even more useful things of God because they were still carnally minded. They were still following after the flesh rather than following after the spirit.

If we want to allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in our lives as effectively as He can we must start to seek after spiritual things. We must take time to read and study the word, to pray and praise and have fellowship with our Father. When we do these things we are stirring up the gift that God has given to us as Paul instructed Timothy to do in 2 Timothy 1:6. It says as we stir up the gift the fear will decrease and we will see that power, love, and sound mind increase in our day to day life.

So begin to stir up the gift that God has given you to help you conquer any fear that is trying to have a hold in your life.

Prayer/Confession: Father, I thank You that I do not have to be afraid. I thank You that your spirit lives in me and that You have given power, love, and a sound mind. As I stir up the gift You have given me by spending time with You I believe that I will overcome the fear that may try and overtake me. Thank you Father that You are a giver of good gifts, that You love me, watch over, and make me whole. Amen

So we talked about our fears at last night's meeting...

What do I/have I feared? A big fear in the past has been that I'm not a good parent & that's why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. Currently, it is that I won't get pregnant at all (not b/c I'm not a good parent or anything though). I really believe (through prayer & my relationship with Jesus) that He has promised me that I will have another child. But the fear that maybe I misunderstood Him has crossed my mind. Maybe He just couldn't tell me that I'm NOT going to have a baby yet b/c I haven't been ready to hear the truth or maybe I just refused to hear it? Maybe He's just letting me think this temporarily until I'm ready to hear/in the place where He can tell me that no, I'm not going to have a baby after all?

I'm not letting Satan win this battle. Right now I believe He is telling me that yes, I'll have a baby & until He tells me otherwise I'm clinging to that; I'm clinging to Him. Like I have heard a fellow church member say, "Believe that God is going to do it for you & if He does, GREAT, but if He doesn't, just say, 'That's okay, Lord. I know that whatever Your plan for me is better anyway.'" I'm walking by faith & not by sight!

Praise You Jesus! Praise You that I have the power to overcome any/all my fears within me! Praise You for giving me a spirit of power, love, & a sound mind! Praise You for loving me & for dying on the cross for me!

Saturday, March 20, 2010


I fasted for the first time yesterday! And it really went better than I thought it would. Praise the Lord! I'll admit that I'm a fairly new Christian... I finally submitted to the Lord in September of 2006 & honestly I think He used this infertility struggle to finally bring me to my knees... Thank you, Jesus! I hadn't fasted up till this point mostly b/c I didn't think I'd survive w/o food... I like it way too much! LOL But here I am... I survived! It really wasn't too bad at all but I honestly know that it was only b/c of HIM!

I prayed for His will to be done regarding this infertility journey & wanted to document my fasting experience to see/watch how He moves. Yes, I did pray more but I really used it more to sit in His presence (Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God") since in my heart I have faith & do trust Him in this journey (it hasn't always been like this but the longer I'm on this journey the closer my relationship to Him becomes & the more I can see His hand all around me, in everything I do). It's amazing what He has taught me throughout this journey so far. I know He's with me & I know this journey is all part of His plan & yes, it can be tough at times but it is also exciting to know that He is guiding me & with me every step of the way & nothing in this journey has been an accident; it is all part of HIS plan (Proverbs 16:9, "A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps").

I really have a good feeling about this cycle but of course I've had these good feelings before & have been wrong. We shall see! I think I keep having these good feelings because I really am waiting expectantly. I know we're going to get pregnant; the question is when??? Regardless though, if it doesn't happen this cycle, I know I'm blessed & am truly thankful. Thank you, Lord Jesus!

Friday, March 12, 2010

My Infertility Playlist

End of November/beginning of December was probably the lowest point in this infertility journey for me; knowing that yes, I would have to see an RE. It really felt like a death sentence of sorts to me mainly b/c I know we can afford to do Clomid as long as it takes so I was comfortable in the OB's office doing Clomid but the thought of an RE scared me to death... how much is this going to cost & can we really afford it? And if we can't afford it, will we ever have a miracle baby? Honestly, in my mind & heart, it was the beginning of the death of a dream*.

* Though now I think I made more of it than it really was even though the money thing still scares me a bit but I'm trusting Him to provide so I'm not letting it get to me the way it initially did & honestly I wish I wouldn't have let it get to me like it did before; I shouldn't have let Satan win temporarily like I did.

That being said, I decided in January that I wanted to create a custom CD with really encouraging/uplifting songs; especially songs about faith... my very own infertility playlist! I am so excited about creating this CD so that anytime infertility starts becoming too much to bear, I can pop it in, remember His faithfulness, & sing praise & worship to my Savior & best friend, Jesus Christ. So here's my custom *infertility mix*:

Wow! I'm not sure that all of them are going to fit on 1 CD! I think the list is finally complete though (after 3 months of searching for my favorite songs ) but if you have any suggestions, please share. I honestly can't wait till my CD(s) are done!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

It's In The Valleys I Grow by Jane Eggleston

I just read this poem last night & loved it...
It's In The Valleys I Grow
by Jane Eggleston

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me,
Lord And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!

Today is one of those days that I desperately need this reminder & God's strength & peace!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Wait by Russell Kelfer

I got this poem at a local infertility support group last week that I was told came from the book, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. It is an AWESOME poem so I just had to share but before I do I wanted to mention that I went to the Thrift Store over the weekend & was hoping I would find this book. Sadly I didn't find it but I did score 2 other infertility books (Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schalesky & When the Cradle is Empty by John & Sylvia Van Regenmorter) that I am so excited to start reading (for less than $5 total to boot... praise the Lord)! I hope to eventually buy & read Hannah's Hope (I've heard such GREAT things about it) but until then I guess these will have to do!

And now for the poem...

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft' My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."