"For it is written that Abraham had two sons, one by the slave woman and the other by the free woman. His son by the slave woman was born in the ordinary way; but his son by the free woman was born as the result of a promise."
This blog is my journey to receive my promise... the child I know that the Lord will provide.
RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist or Fertility Specialist
SEs - side effects
TTC - trying to conceive
u/s - ultrasound
My Infertility Journey...
June 21, 2011: Granted legal gaurdianship of my precious babies, Abbie & Charlie! <3
May 22, 2011: We were approached about possibly fostering/adopting 2 children: a boy (2) & a girl (3)! <3 I can't believe these may be our children! =)
Apr 2011: TTC w/ MA over, NT/NP from now on while considering/pursuing adoption
Oct 2010 - Mar 2011: TTC naturally (w/o MA)
Jan 18-20, 2011: Feeling led toward adoption
Dec 10, 2010: Laparoscopy - detached ovary from abdominal wall
I have been so reserved about this possible adoption... part of me wanting to share & shout to the world just what God has & is doing but at the same time part of me wants to hold back out of respect for the family's privacy & if I'm honest with myself, out of fear as well (fear of the "what ifs" as well as fear of putting the most vulnerable parts of my heart out there for the whole world to read).
But after reading a post on one of my favorite blogs, God's Faithfulness Through Infertility: for the glory of God, I have decided to share, for the glory of God. I know that no matter what, God is in control & if these children are meant to be ours God will move the mountains that may be standing in our way & these children WILL be ours but if, for whatever reason, they don't become ours then they were never really ours to begin with.
I probably don't need to tell you the fact that DHR will have to come into our home is somewhat nerve-racking for me but I am trusting in God & God alone.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. ~ Psalm 46:1
I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” ~ Psalm 91:2
I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. ~ Psalm 121:1-2
I don't know why it is so scary for me considering I've seen God's mighty work in this infertility journey... free injectables, the crib (that is now converted into a toddler bed ) , the fact that I even got pregnant when I did is a miracle & then I went on to ovulate with no medical assistance at all even though we didn't get pregnant (which I fully believe we didn't get pregnant because He called us to adopt).
Remembering His faithfulness in the past does make it easier though I do have to constantly remind myself:
God is in control, not DHR. God is in control, not DHR. Don't be afraid, just believe. Don't be afraid, just believe.
God's word tells us over & over, "Fear Not," but it is obviously such a normal human emotion. I am choosing to give all my fears over to Him & trust Him daily which of course is not always easy since we seem to always want to control everything (especially me, being a type A personality). We don't control anything, as I am learning in this journey. Any control we seem to have is only an illusion because we aren't in control, God is; which is really better anyway. If I were in control I'm sure I'd screw it all up.
God will provide a lamb. It is well within the nature of God to allow our circumstances to reach a place of utter hopelessness, so that He might provide the hope. What we deem impossible, He calls simple. Time after time, Scripture paints a picture of God providing the perfect solution at the perfect time. The common denominator? Simple faith in a great God.
Do your circumstances look insurmountable? Stop looking around and look up. Trust that the One who brought you to the fire will walk you through it. Not sure what tomorrow holds? The One who holds tomorrow whispers, Fear not. I walk before you, beside you and behind you. I will tell you when to go and when to rest. I will carry you and see you through. Trust in Me with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).
This particular devotion is based on some very special scripture for me. If you remember from an earlier post, R&R at Fort Walton Beach, you'll remember how Genesis 22 speaks to me about God providing children. And then the next day (after reading Love.Serve.Shine.) I find an awesome video on the exact same scripture:
I know He's speaking to me saying, "Trust me, I've got this" so I'm going to hold my head up high & trust Him & Him alone to pull me through this, one way or another. Why? Because my God is faithful!
The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? ~ Psalm 118:6
So Monday night, I actually went over to a friend's house after the infertility support group & then didn't get home till 1:30 am! So when I woke up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too early Tuesday morning, at 7 am, I decided to skip my 1 hour daily Bible study that I do first thing EVERY morning & instead do a shorter devotional from a recent web site that a friend introduced me to (Love.Serve.Shine). The site's "Daily Bread" is awesome & is actually what I wanted to do as my quiet time Tuesday morning but alas, the Lord had other plans! When I tried to go to the website, I kept getting a "server not found" error. I tried every way I knew how to get to the web site b/c I really wanted to read the "Daily Bread" but it just was NOT happening so I was a little frustrated & thought about what I could do/use as my quiet time. Then it came to me... we did a devotional on fear a while back in the infertility support group I mentioned previously (Hannah's Friends) so I decided to check out the next devotional study in that series instead.
It was okay but what really grabbed me was when I decided to look ahead & see what the future lessons looked like. Part 5 was based around a scripture that my friend who I had just seen hours before had shared with me. She said that when she read several passages from 2 Chronicles 20 she just thought about me...
Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you. ~ 2 Chronicles 20:15, 17
And here's the actual devotional lesson that is centered around this scripture...
Fear Not Learning to fear less in a fearful world by Jennifer Wennekamp
Key Scripture: You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’ ” 2 Chronicles 20:17 NIV
This week our topic is that we do not need to be afraid because God will fight for us. We need to realize that there are going to be times when we are approaching a fight that our job will only be to get ready for the fight, but God will take over from there. It seems so often that we want to be in control. We want to control all the situations we are in and so sometimes we think we have to do all the fighting or we will not get what we want, when we want, how we want. We forget to factor God into the equation. We often don’t even want to let God in on the process until we are at our wits end and feel that we have to give up.
In Deuteronomy 3:22 it says- “Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God shall fight for you.” And I really like it in 2 Chronicles 20:17 “But you will not even need to fight, Take your positions; stand still and watch the salvation of the Lord with you. O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you.” God will fight for us. In fact often the fight isn’t even ours. In 2 Chronicles it says that the battle was God’s. The people were going through the battle, but it was God’s battle and he was going to make sure they got through it. He does not want us to fight a fight that he knows we can not win. If we try to fight the fight on our own we may not win, but God can fight it so we do win. Sometimes there are fights we go through that we lose, but the Bible says there is no temptation that has taken us that he has not made a way out of. We can win any battle we are in with his help, but if we do not turn to him, focus on him, and follow his wisdom we may not win the battles. So if we are doing our part He is there and present to fight the fight for us when it is necessary.
Sometimes it is necessary in life for us to let our kids go through their own fights. Some of the fights that our kids deal with, help them to grow. If we see our kids in a fight we may observe the situation and see if it is something the can handle and will help them grow and so we let them go ahead and deal with it. Other times we look and see that they are in over their head, or that there is something in that fight that we do not want them to experience and so we go in and take over the fight. That is how God is with us. Sometimes he steps in and takes over for us to protect us or even to remind us of his wonderful love.
There have been several times in my life that I felt that God has called me to do something, but I could not see how in the world it was going to happen. I would start to get a little fearful thinking that I had to make it work out because I knew God had spoken to me about it, and I was afraid if I didn’t push and push that it wouldn’t happen. I would believe God called me to do the thing, but not think about letting God be the one to work it out. Then at these times I would finally come to the point where I realized that I had taken the steps that I could, and that I couldn’t do any more. If it was going to happen, God would be the one that would have to make it work. Sometimes that is just how it is.
Even though God will fight for us we can not allow ourselves to get to the place where we allow this promise to make us lazy. We can not just sit back and say “This is God’s fight so I don’t have to do any work.” That is not what 2 Chronicles 20 says at all. God told them that they should still take up their positions. We still need to take our positions. We still need to start taking the steps that are necessary to win our battle, and then as we are in position God can open those doors necessary to win our battle. He can bring the right people in our path when we are ready to meet them, those divine connections that he has set in place for us. But we have to be ready for it when those instances come. If God has a divine connection for us, but we haven’t taken the steps to be ready when it arrives then we will not be able to do what God wants us to do. We can not be like the man that is on his roof in a flood and he cries out to God asking God to save him, but as the man sits there a row boat rows by and asks him to come in his boat, the man says “no, God is going to save me.” Then a helicopter flies by and they try to rescue him and he says, “no, God is going to save me.” Then the man dies and he asks God, why didn’t you save me? And God tells him I sent the rowboat and the helicopter, but you wouldn’t get in. God will fight for us and make a way- he will send us the rowboats and the helicopters when we need them, but we need to be willing to get in.
We need to remember Isaiah 1:19 that says “If you are willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land.” We must be willing to do our part, whatever our part is. Sometimes our part will just be the preparation and sometimes our part will be getting in there and fighting a good fight, but we must be obedient and willing to do whichever one God is leading us to at that time. When we come to a place where we feel we can’t do anything else, that may be a sign that we are trying to do all the fighting and not let God do any of the fighting for us. When fear starts to creep in when you are facing a trial, take a step back and pray asking God what you are supposed to do, and be quick to stop and let God handle the fight if he asks you to.
Confession/Prayer: Father God, We pray and thank you for fighting for us. Thank you that help us to win the battles that we are in. Help us to be sensitive to our part in the battles, and to recognize the times that we need to just stand still and let you fight. Help us to rest in you and give you glory in everything that you do for us. In Jesus Name, Amen
And what's even funnier, after reading this devotional, I went back just to see if I could get onto the Love.Serve.Shine site & I could, no problems at all! God used a divine intervention to navigate me to this set of devotionals so that He could speak directly to me. It can be & is so exciting to be walking with the Lord daily!
So, what is He saying to me? How does this apply to me? This (adoption) is God's battle, not mine. I have to do everything *I* can to put myself in the position to adopt when He calls but once I have done what I can do I need to let go & let God fight this battle for me. There is only so much I can do. Only God can speak to both Mike & I, bringing us to the same page on adoption. Only God can fight the supernatural things that might be going on that I don't even know are out there. Only God can set up those divine connections & I just need to be in a position to be ready to accept them when they come.
Reminds me of one of my absolute favorite songs in the world...
As you can tell, I really love music. It just really speaks to me & this song is one of those really special songs to me.
And I thought it was going to be quiet around here! LOL
Last night, at an infertility support group that I am a part of we talked about the story of Joseph & how God is in control, no matter the circumstances or how things appear:
God is in control, not our husbands. God is in control, not our children or parents. God is in control, not our doctors. God is in control, not our boss. God is in control, not a terrorist. God is in control, not infertility.
This particular study really spoke to me & I really feel like I can relate to Joseph so much. Like Joseph (Genesis 37-42), by all outward appearances my dreams are being "shattered" by infertility but in reality, I know that like Joseph, God is placing me in the position to fulfill my dreams & His perfect will for my life. I think I can understand how Joseph must must have felt... the pain, the hopelessness, the despair, the fear at various times along his journey.
For those that don't know the story of Joseph... his brothers threw him in a well b/c they hated him & then sold him to merchants. Then in Egypt, just when things start looking up again & he's blessed by the Lord, he's thrown in jail based on LIES of a seductive woman! For 10 years, Joseph was either a slave or in jail. Can you imagine what kind of things & questions might have crossed his mind during that time? I imagine that he just doesn’t understand what in the world is going on & wants to know “WHY?” He’s doing everything that God would want him to... he’s not giving into temptation, he’s being godly, he’s doing everything right & he’s being punished – “WHY?” Honestly this is how I have felt at times during my infertility struggle. I sometimes think that if I could just see the end of this road maybe it would be easier for me to get through the “here & now.”
But this story is a reminder that all this really happened to place Joseph EXACTLY where he needed to be so that God could make his dreams & the Lord's perfect plan come true. And this actually goes for me as well.
It is clear that no human being can destroy what God has purposed. While Joseph was in the waiting period of more than 10 long years, God was preparing him to serve. And Joseph cooperated.
Joseph could have sat around in despair for years wondering where things went wrong, but he didn’t. Instead, wherever he was, he used his God-given abilities to serve the people around him.
(Embracing God’s Design for Your Life, pg 118)
God is in control & is placing me exactly where I need to be to fulfill His perfect plan for my life & until that day comes, I will serve & praise Him. Reminds me of the John Waller song, While I'm Waiting.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength. ~ Philippians 4:13
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. ~ Romans 5:3-5
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ~ Genesis 50:20 (part of the story of Joseph)
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. ~ Psalm 121
Oh & then on my way home last night I heard a new song about God being in control. It just kinda "jumped" out at me, especially considering we JUST talked about God being in control just a few minutes before this song came on...
The 2nd verse is AWESOME!!! And let me tell you... God is sooooooo in control! I'll share another story later!
I think God has really been focusing on building my faith since it seems that "faith" has been a recurrent theme in my life lately...
For my birthday a good friend gave me one of the sweetest birthday present's ever, a photo album with one of my all time favorite verses, Hebrews 11:1.
Isn't it absolutely beautiful & just the perfect shade of *baby* green?! I've decided that I'm gonna save this album & use it as my newborn photo album of our baby whenever the Lord so blesses us!
And then just a few days later (on March 17th) my other best friend bought me 3 decorative flower pots - Faith, Hope, & Love! But the story she tells is that when she walked in to this particular store, she saw the Faith pot clear across the store. That particular pot caught her eye & she HAD to get it. It was only when she got closer that she also grabbed the Hope & Love pots as well since the 3 just go together!
These are decorative pots & apparently, aren't meant to hold real plants (there's no drain hole in the bottom) but after my friend & I talked a little about faith (how you plant a little seed of faith in your heart & then care for & nurture it for it to grow) now I want to come up with a way to use them to grow real flowers. I'm bound & determined to do this & already have a few ideas up my sleeve! If you do have any ideas as well, please share (all ideas welcomed & appreciated ).
And then just a few days after that (March 19th), when I was watching Beth Moore on LIFE Today, guess what she was speaking on?! FAITH!!! I know He's preparing me for the journey ahead. I even took notes (which I typically don't do) & the one note that I took that really stood out was... "There will be plenty of opportunity to doubt & fear & disbelieve -> It's got to to appear as if this one is NOT going to come through - that is exactly when you have an opportunity to have a story that turns itself into a song."
Here's the entire video of Beth Moore, for your viewing pleasure... A Story Fit For a Song. I'm so excited to be walking this journey with the Lord!
And a few days after THAT, I heard a new song for the first time. I know it doesn't really speak about faith per se but it is such an AWESOME song & it really just speaks to me so much that I had to include it here as well...
Wow, that the Lord would speak to me the way He does simply amazes me sometimes!
First, I have to say that this is not a sad day but a happy day, though it will be filled with some tears. Happy because God chose us to care & love this precious child of His & chose us to carry this child during her short stay here on Earth. She is safe & happy in His arms, though Mommy, Daddy, & Big Brother all miss her dearly. She is God's perfect creation who was only meant to be here for 11 short weeks but in God's wisdom, He knew those 11 weeks would change our lives forever.
We love you & miss you so much sweet little one & I, personally, can not wait to get to know you in Heaven one day!
To the Child of My Heart
O precious, tiny sweet little one You will always be to me So perfect, pure and innocent Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life And all that it would be We waited and longed for you to come and join our family.
We never had the chance to play. To laugh, to rock, to wiggle We long to hold you, touch you And to listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother, He'll always be your dad. You will always be our child, the child that we had.
But now you're gone . . . but yet you're here. You are our sorrow and our joy, there's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong. We'll forget you never. The child we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.
In memory of Chloe Elizabeth* Estimated due date, January 16, 2010 Date of loss, July 1, 2009 Remembering My Sweet Angel
* Yes, I know we named her Chris but that was before I really started feeling/believing that it was a she & not a he. Chris is gender neutral but Chris just never really felt right... Chloe Elizabeth was the name chosen while we were pregnant for a girl.
2011 marks year number 5 on this infertility journey for us. It's funny but when we started this journey, sometime in 2006, I thought we'd get pregnant rather quickly. After all, Austin was a surprise so I knew I could get pregnant. Yeah, okay. LOL In the beginning (well, maybe about a year into it when I realized we weren't getting pregnant very easily) I was so lost, so depressed, so heartbroken. Why can't I get pregnant? What is wrong with me? With us? Am I a bad mother; is that why I can't get pregnant... because I'm a bad mother & God doesn't want me to have another? That last one weighed heavily on my heart for a long time. I thought something was wrong with ME & that God doesn't think I'm good enough so He was withholding this from me/us. I loved God but I didn't KNOW Him. I didn't understand this whole "Christianity" thing. I didn't understand the relationship part. I didn't understand that God was NOT withholding this blessing from me. I didn't understand that God only wants good for us & He loves us deeply. Words can't express the depth of the love He has for us, even in our fallen state (which is exactly where I was at during this time in my life), even before we accept Him.
But, as I have said in the past, God blessed me with infertility. Whoa, wait, what? Blessed, you ask. Yes, BLESSED! I would have never asked for infertility or wish it on anyone but He used infertility in my life to show me Him, His AWESOMENESS, & His power. He has used it to redeem me, to bring me to my knees in submission to Him & for that alone I am eternally grateful. He is growing me through this infertility... He is growing my character & molding me into Christ's likeness. He has greatly increased my faith & trust in Him. I see His hand all around me where before infertility, I knew & loved Him, though disobedient & wretched, but I didn't truly experience Him on a day to day basis like I do now. For example, just a few weekends ago, as I was shopping at the Thrift Store a book that I have been wanting since the beginning of this journey caught my eye... When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson. It wasn't even in the proper place so how & where I actually saw it was a miracle in itself. And then just a few days later I learned that our church is about to start a new women's Bible study... Jonah: Navigating A Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer. Now this is so special to me b/c I JUST went (last month) to a Deeper Still conference with Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, & Kay Arthur. I went for Beth Moore but was blessed by Priscilla Shirer. I'm telling you I was bawling by the time Priscilla Shirer quit speaking! She talked mostly about being in "the faith place" (that's where we feel compelled by God to do something & it's in THIS place that we have the potential to see miracles) & the "God margin" (we can only get so far w/o His help but that margin between what WE can do & the end goal is the "God margin" & is where He can step in & show out by performing miracles). Wow, I'm getting all teary-eyed just remembering how her words spoke to me that day.
Anyway, back to the original story... our church is going to start the Jonah study this coming Sunday & though initially I wanted to do her One In A Million study (I even got the One In A Million book for Christmas ), obviously God has other plans. Actually shortly after the the Deeper Still conference I was blog surfing on other infertility blogs & ran across Ashley over at Expecting Miracles & she just recently started this very same study. This study is obviously just something that is coming up a lot lately so I know God has big things planned for me through this study so I definitely don't want to miss out! Actually, watching the youtube video about how Priscilla Shirer's life was interrupted, has me soooooooooooooooo excited about this study.
It's not a divine interruption but a divine intervention & that is exactly what infertility is & has been. It isn't an accident & it has always only been for my good... to prosper me, not to harm me. Thank you, Jesus. I can't wait to see what is in store for me during the next several weeks as I go through this study.
Okay, last but not least, below are my notes from Priscilla Shirer during the Deeper Still conference. I wanted to record them here since they spoke to me so deeply & actually spoke directly on the subject of my infertility...
Faith without works (obedience) is dead.
When we feel compelled by God to do something, this is when we are called to the faith place (such as Esther, Jonah, Moses as he was parting the Red Sea). It is here where we have the potential to see miracles.
2 Kings 13:14-19 Elisha (his relationship with God) is their security but Elisha is dying & that security is quickly coming to an end. Don't concentrate on what we don't have & concentrate instead on what we do have (our bow & arrows). God's hand was placed on the king.
Wow, the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I need prayers for guidance & wisdom right now... to know the Lord's will & more specifically for Mike to clearly hear God's will on this as well. So, what's going on, you may ask...
Last update, as you may remember, was that we were going to do a laparoscopic surgery then on to more, stronger medicine. Well, *that* night (Oct 7th) as I lay in bed praying, asking the Lord, "What do YOU want me to do?" I had the random thought pop into my head, "Embryo Adoption/Donation." I didn't think much of it at first, since IVF has always been out in my mind, but just a few days later (Oct 13th, okay about a week later ) Resolve started a video campaign on Facebook on Embryo Donation... Embryo Donation 101. That's when my eyes & ears perked up & I asked the Lord, "Are you trying to tell me something?" Since then a lot of things have been pointing in that direction... I found an amazing Embryo Adoption/Donation blog (A Greater Yes) with lots of valuable info (I found this blog without even really looking for it... I was blog surfing on other infertility blogs & this is the 1st time that I recall ever coming across an Embryo Adoption/Donation blog), another friend posted on her blog about being named the recipient of a friend's embryos should something happen to them, I am seeing a lot of info/programs on adoption related topics (on FaceBook from Focus on the Family & Family Talk with James Dobson & then when I do a google search on a phrase that really shouldn't necessarily be linked with adoption I find all kinds of adoption articles... adoption is ALL around me now).
So I fasted & prayed Saturday, the 23rd, for guidance & wisdom. I want ONLY His will for my life & this journey but I have been kinda confused lately. I do & have said many times, I do think we will have a baby & I do think I will even carry that baby but has He told me that it will def be a biological child... I'm just not sure (of course "biological" is what I assumed but re-examining it, I just can't say that He said it would be biological for a fact).
I 100% believe that I can get pregnant, if it were His will. 100 mg Clomid WORKED & then after the m/c we tried 100 mg again & it failed so we upped the Clomid to 150 mg & again it failed (my progesterone actually went down) & then the next cycle at my 1st RE appt, the RE took my progesterone to "just see" & I ovulated (no medication at all) according to him (Spontaneous Ovulation? What?!?)! So then we go on to Follistim (150 IUs) which is a stronger drug than Clomid with no success. We then even upped the Follistim dose (225 IUs) with no success. I KNOW it could/would have worked had the Lord's will been for it to work. So now I'm at a crossroads... 1) I can either continue down the road of medical assistance, possibly wasting more & more money; 2) I can stop & wait on Him to will my ovary to work & get pregnant somewhere down the road naturally (hopefully); or 3) I can go with embryo adoption/donation. Of course the last option is a little expensive (granted not nearly as expensive as regular IVF or adoption but still somewhat expensive nonetheless).
The good thing about embryo donation though is that it bypasses some of the problems that adoption would have entailed & why I thought we couldn't/wouldn't be able to adopt in the 1st place (2nd injectables cycle RE follow up appt). And a life that could have never had the chance to live will be given the chance at life. The down side is that donation (verses adoption) means the baby most likely will never know his/her biological parents since most donations are closed & not open (this really only concerns me b/c EVERYTHING I read says open is ALWAYS better for the child & that bothers me only b/c as every parent does... I want what's best for my child but at the same time I KNOW that if the Lord has called me to do donation then this IS what's best for my child). The other down side is money, of course (though, again, if this is the Lord's will, money won't be an issue AND I do think if I organize a yard sale or 2 I could raise 4-5 thousand (the Lord willing), which is approximately what it looks like it will cost).
Someone brought up the fact that Sarah (Abraham's wife) did something very similar when she got frustrated and tired of waiting for God and took the situation into her own hands by giving Abraham her maidservant so that she could *adopt,* which as you probably know, didn't turn out very well for anyone. I'm very glad that M brought this to my attention because I do NOT want to make the same mistake as Sarah & the fact that M brought it up shows how loving & caring she is... she doesn't want me to make the same mistake either. I only want God's will & M is 100% right about what Sarah did & how it turned out. I guess that is why I am taking this so seriously... WHICH WAY DO I GO???
I did find an AMAZING online Bible study on Sarah Saturday night as I was fasting & praying & then Sunday morning's (Oct 24th) sermon was on Abraham & Sarah (I have ALWAYS felt a connection to Sarah more so than any other barren female in the Bible) & one of my favorite stories (Abraham taking Isaac up the mountain to sacrifice him; where he learned that "The LORD Will Provide" (R&R at Fort Walton Beach))...
I'm going to list the Bible study toward the bottom since it's kinda long.
The "wilderness" is a place of growth, a place of testing & stretching by God. Something BIG is about to happen & He's preparing you for it.
The Greek or Hebrew word (can't remember which) for "wilderness" is "milbar" which means a desert & literally means "driving you." It is a place of solitude; it is uncultivated & deprived of help of others.
We need to learn to run to God & rely on Him, not on our friends.
They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” ~ Exodus 14:11-14 (emphasis on what spoke to me most is mine )
Which if you've read my blog for long, you know that I firmly believe this time in my life is MY wilderness (CD 12 Update) & actually I've heard a great song about "the wilderness" lately...
Part I Sarah's Example(completed on October 23, 2010)
1. Genesis 11:27-32;20:12 Describe Sarai's family situation. Married to her half brother. Was barren (childless).
2. Genesis 12:4 How old is Abram when he leaves Haran for Canaan? Compare Genesis 17:1 to 17:17 How old is Sarai compared to Abram?Abram is 75 when he leaves Haran. Sarai is 10 years younger than Abram. I'm 10 years younger than Mike.
3. Genesis 12:10-20 Do you think Abram could have handled this situation in a different way? Why did God protect and rescue Sarai? I def think Abram could have handled it differently. God protected & rescues Sarai b/c He had made a covenant with Abram to bless (& protect) Abram.
4. Genesis 15:1-6; Galatians 3:6 What was the foundation of Abraham's relationship with God? Faith!!!
5. Genesis 16:1-16 What is Sarai's solution to their inability to conceive a child? What were the results? Sarai gave Abram her maidservant, Hagar, so she could "adopt." The results were disastrous - Sarai & Hagar were miserable.
6. Genesis 17:1-27 List God's covenant promises to Abram (Abraham). What was Abram's part of the bargain? List God's covenant promises to Sarai (Sarah). Compare the two lists. Name the similarities. What came first - the covenant or the sign of the covenant? (See Genesis 15:18) Covenent promises to Abraham:
* He would be the father of many nations *
* He will be fruitful *
* He will make many nations & many kings *
Canaan would be an everlasting possession
The covenant would be everlasting
God would be Abraham's descendants' everlasting God
Abraham's part of the bargain:
Him & every male of his household much undergo circumcision
All his male descendants must be circumcised
Covenent promises to Sarah:
* She will be blessed *
* She will have a son *
* She will be the mother of nations & of kings *
Similarities are marked with an astrick (*).
The covenant comes first (before the sign of circumcision) but why is this important? What does it mean? What significance is there? 7. Genesis 18:1-15; 19:1 Who were the visitors? What was Sarah promised? The visitors were angels. Sarah was promised that she WOULD have a child. I have to add something about this particular scripture:
Then the LORD said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son." Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?" ~ Genesis 18:10-12
Right now, I think I can kinda understand Sarah's laughing. I mean she has gone years & years & years & has even moved on with her life & NOW she's going to get pregnant.
8. Genesis 20:1-17 Why would Abraham once again put Sarah at risk? Do you think Abraham and Sarah more than anyone else deserved to be blessed of God? Why would God once again rescue Sarah from the consequences of their foolish actions? And why would he prosper them as well? I do think they should be GREATLY blessed & maybe even a *little* more than others but I'm not sure really. I do trust God to bless them as much as they deserve & me (& others) as much as we should be. He prospers them b/c of the covenant he made with Abraham. 9. Genesis 21:1-7; Galatians 4:22-23 How old were Abraham and Sarah when Isaac was born? Why would God wait so long to keep his promise? Abraham was 100 & Sarah was 90 when Isaac was born. He waited because He was preparing Abraham & Sarah for the assignment (being the father & mother of many nations).
10. Genesis 21:10-12; Galatians 4:30; 5:4-6 What do Sarah's prophetic words mean? What makes a person a child of promise - child of the free woman Sarah? Sarah's words mean that you can't live by the law & faith both. Is is one or the other. Faith (expressing itself through love) makes a person a child of promise. Part II Called to be Saints(completed on October 24, 2010)
(The New Strong's Expanded Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible gives these definitions of 2821 klesis (calling) klesis: an invitation, vocation, or calling; and 40 hagios (saints) hagios: sacred, consecrated, separated from sin, devoted to God, saints)
1. Romans 1:1-5 What was the Apostle Paul invited to become and what was he invited to do? He was invited to become an apostle & to call people from the Gentiles to obedience by faith (i.e. obedience to the Lord for the Gentiles or saving their souls).
2. Romans 1:5-7 What four facets of God's invitation (calling) are revealed in this passage?
We've received grace & apostleship to call Gentiles (unbelievers) to the obedience that comes from faith (preach the good news of Jesus).
We/you are ALSO among those called to belong to Jesus.
Grace & peace is ours from God our Father.
Grace & peace is ours from the Lord Jesus Christ.
3. Romans 8:28-30; I Corinthians 1:2 What is God's purpose in extending his invitation or calling? To sanctify us, to make us holy, to justify & glorify us. Most importantly, I think, to conform us into the likeness of Jesus (so that He (Jesus) will be the firstborn among many brothers (& sisters)). 4. I Corinthians 1:26-31; Matthew 9:12-13 Who is God inviting? And why? God is inviting the foolish, the average, the lowly, the weak, sinners. Why? Because sinners need to be redeemed not righteous & because He uses the foolish/average/lowly/weak things to shame & nullify the wise/above-average/high/strong of this world so that no one can boast unless they "boast in the Lord." 5. Ephesians 4:1-3; II Thessalonians 1:11-12 What are the responsibilities that a person accepts along with God's invitation? Live a life worthy of Him & His calling by being humble, gentle, patient, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to keep the peace with other believers, glorify Him, FAITH!!!
This particular scripture really spoke to me in this verse:
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that by his power he may fulfill every act prompted by your faith. ~ 2 Thessalonians 1:11 (somewhat adapted by me)
6. Ephesians 1:18-21; 2:4-10 What are the benefits of accepting God's invitation? HOPE!!! Riches (in heaven), His great power & mighty strength in our lives. We have a calling (a purpose in life). His GREAT love, His mercy. We are alive in Christ now even though we were once dead in sin. His grace. Eternal life in heaven with Jesus. His kindness, His gifts.
7. II Peter 1:3-11; Hebrews 3:1 How can you “make your calling and election sure?” (II Peter 1:10) Keeping your thoughts on Jesus & always seeking to increase your faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness & love. Part III God's Chosen
1. Acts 13:16-41 Why did God choose (v.17) the fathers of the people of Israel? (v.23) Why should this be important to you? (v.38-41) Why did He chose the fathers? (???) to bring forth Jesus. This should be important because through Jesus, everyone who believes in Him is forgiven of sin. 2. Matthew 22:1-14 Why, since many are invited, would few be chosen? (???) Some are not worthy of the calling (not worthy to be chosen). Of course none of us are "worthy" so I don't know. 3. I Thessalonians 1:4-6 How does God invite and choose his people? He invites us through His Word (the Gospel) & chooses us through the Holy Spirit (by giving us the Holy Spirit). 4. Colossians 3:1-4:1; I Thessalonians 1:7-10; John 15:16-17; I Peter 2:9-12 What is expected from God's chosen people? Set your hearts & minds on things above rather than on earthly things, be a model to all believers, speak the Lord's message, show your faith in God everywhere you go, turn from idols & serve the one TRUE God, go & bear fruit, love each other, praise Him, abstain from sinful desires, & live good lives. 5. John 17:24-26; Revelation 17:14; 21:1-7; 22:12 Do you want to be one of the “called, chosen and faithful followers” who receive a reward from God and Jesus, the Lord of lords and King of kings? Yes!!! Revelations 21:1-7 spoke most to me, especially, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son" (4a, 6b-7). 6. Acts 2:37-41; John 3:3-21; John 4:10, 13-14; James 2:21-24 What steps must a person take to accept God's invitation and then be chosen by him to become one of his faithful followers? Repent & be baptized. Ask for forgiveness of your sins. Believe & trust Jesus for eternal life. Faith & ACTION. If we do these things, He sill place His seal (Holy Spirit) on us. Obedience. 7. Isaiah 55:6-7 What advice does God give the procrastinator? Seek the Lord while He is near & may be found (i.e. don't wait until it's too late).
All I can say is, "Your will be done, Lord... not mine, but yours!"
Thanks for the video, Kerstin! I LOVED it & started tearing up there at the end. Loved it so much that I want to share it!!!
With God all things are possible!!! There are several miracle stories like that in this video all around me (2 in particular - K & L) & I just LOVE hearing them b/c it reminds me that it could happen to me. K had a progesterone defect like me (though her progesterone was lower than mine at 0.something) & even saw an RE who told her that she would NOT get pregnant without the help of IVF. Well, she now has 2 beautiful boys & never used any kind of ART at all. And L has NEVER been able to get pregnant without the aide of Clomid due to a progesterone defect but just last year she had her miracle baby who was conceived during a cycle that she didn't even think she ovulated at all & if I'm remembering correctly her progesterone wasn't even high enough indicating ovulation yet she got pregnant. I remember that so well b/c she came to me scared to death b/c she didn't want to lose her precious miracle bean & I comforted her, telling her this is her gift from God & that no matter what, this is His will for her. Actually I am very hopeful that despite no medical assistance this cycle & despite Mike's business trip that maybe, just maybe, this is the month God will bless us with a miracle.
Plus I have to remember that it WAS His plan to do the injectables last cycle. I'm not sure why exactly but I KNOW that was His will since He gave me the free meds. Of course I was hopeful that last cycle would be the one but it wasn't so I'm just watching & praying & waiting to see how He will answer my prayers. I can't wait!
In other news... a friend at church has a beautiful rocker/recliner for sale.
This is the exact rocker/recliner I have had my heart set on for a long time now & no one even knew except God. I didn't tell anyone about it, not even Mike. Then one day last week during my weekly Bible study with friends I asked them to be on the look out for a rocker/recliner for a nursery but of course didn't mention specifics. When I came home that day I jumped on Facebook to find a friend selling the exact rocker/recliner that my heart has literally been set on for so long for $100. I contacted her & she is willing to hold it for me since she told me that she literally put it out there on a whim & no one even showed interest in it, except ME! She will even hold it till we get pregnant so that God forbid we don't get pregnant, we don't have to spend the money & not use the chair. She is just so sweet - being willing to hold it like that for me. I don't know that I will necessarily wait that long to buy it (but I did ask her if she would mind holding till Oct in hopes that by Oct I will have the nursery painted) since I am having faith that we WILL get pregnant but just the offer has really touched my heart. Oh & she is willing to drop $20 on the price so I can actually buy it for $80! How wonderful is she!
I am actually working on what will be the nursery again. I lost the motivation to do it last year after the miscarriage but the motivation has recently been restored & I have gotten it 95% clean now & hope to get it painted very soon. I'll post before & after pics once I get it cleaned out a bit more.
Anyone have any suggestions as to what color to paint it? Actually I wanted something a bit neutral & the carpet already in there is light blue but I hope to one day put hard wood floors in there. I am really really leaning toward cream & brown mixed. When I say mixed, I mean that I want both cream & brown to show through in places where you literally see the brushstrokes not a single uniform color.
By the way, I found this pic (though it isn't very good) on the Internet that might give you an idea of the carpet color (top row, left)...
And here's kinda what I had in mind as far as how the walls will be painted but in brown & cream of course...
Of course I'm still thinking about this since I'm not a decorator really so I'm not sure if it will really work or not or if it will be too much on the walls. I wanted to kinda stick to neutrals so that I can decorate with paintings, rugs, bedding, & so forth to change the look as I want/need. Oh & I should add that it is currently painted blue (on the top half of the walls) & white(on the bottom half) so whatever I color I choose, it will have to cover what's already there. What do you think? Please feel free to share any/all suggestions.
) , the fact that I even got pregnant when I did is a miracle & then I went on to ovulate with no medical assistance at all even though we didn't get pregnant (which I fully believe we didn't get pregnant because He called us to adopt).
