♥ The Lord is Sufficient ♥

I recently answered the question, "I just have a question about the statement that if God wants you to have a child than you will..... what about those who cannot conceive? Do you believe God honestly wants them to be childless?"...

From someone who has suffered through infertility for 4 long years & who is currently still there (who is still seeking medical help in order to conceive (though we are on a 6 month MA break at the moment but that is another story, which I will gladly share if you really want to hear))...

I don't think that God WANTS them/me to be childless necessarily but sometimes we are & He wants that person to lean on Him & to know that He is sufficient. And He is... He is sufficient. I think that if we don't have physical children we will have spiritual children. In other words, we can reproduce spiritually rather than JUST biologically.

I think that when Adam & Eve ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge in the garden of Eden, sin entered the world & that sin actually includes all the bad things such as natural disasters, tornadoes, cancer, infertility, etc. God didn't create infertility... it entered the picture due to our sin but that He can help us rise above our infertility if we never have that biological child that we so desperately desire. He will carry us through the pain & heartache. And I can tell you that He will... I'm a living testimony to that.

Okay, here's my back story. Before I was saved it was actually my infertility that brought me to Him. He used such a horrible thing to do such a beautiful thing... redeem his lost daughter (me). I remember crying myself to sleep often, the pain was so deep. Through that though, I finally submitted & gave my life to Him. Well, since then it has been up & down. I did get pg, only to have a m/c at 11 wks. My miracle baby that I fought so hard for is in heaven tonight. Again, the Lord is with me... daily. The way I cried myself to sleep before & my reaction now... I'm a different person. The Lord gives me strength every day. I think that if I didn't have Him & I was trying to handle this in my own strength there's a good chance I might even have been a bit suicidal or something... to lose something so precious to me. But today I can sit here & honestly say that I'm happy my child got a free pass to heaven. I'm happy she doesn't have to know the pain of this world. I'm sad for us... I'm sad that I won't see her grow up but I don't regret the actual m/c at all. Actually I see Jesus through that ordeal. I KNOW He was right there with me, holding me in His arms through it all. I had a peace & still do amazingly. After all I've been through I can still talk to my pg church friends about their LOs even though there is still a big hole in my heart. I can't do this in MY strength but I can in HIS strength. He IS sufficient.

I'm not sure why but I wanted to share. I meant every word of it... The Lord IS Sufficient!

Lord, thank you for loving me, for being with me, for giving me the strength to get through this. I love you so much, Lord. In Jesus' precious & holy name, Amen.

Talking about infertility misconceptions

I have often heard of those who believe that fertility treatments (specifically IVF) are "playing God." I have honestly NEVER understood this myself since IVF treatments fail, ya know. Only God can ultimately allow IVF to work or not.

As a noted theologian has pointed out, unless scientists start commanding matter to emerge from nothingness, we're in no danger of anyone "playing God" anytime soon, at least in the creative sense.

(The Infertility Companion, pg 164)

So there you have it... we're not "playing God" by seeking medical help, even IVF. All we are trying to do is to use medicine to help us get where we can't get ourselves without help. It really is no different than someone who has cancer, seeking chemo or someone who breaks a bone, getting a cast. We are simply using medicine b/c obviously something is broken or else we could get pregnant like the rest of the population.

And the 2nd misconception goes out to my sisters in infertility:

Sometimes, despite the fact that they've hated pregnancy announcements for so long, infertile couples who finally conceive expect their infertile friends to be overjoyed for them. After all, their infertile friends know exactly what the couple has been through up to that point! Yet expecting these friends to rejoice––at least initially––may be asking too much. Not only may the news be a grief trigger, but it may also evoke a sense of abandonment. So no matter how much a pregnant patient wants her infertility buddies to scream & hug her when she has good news, she still needs to consider writing notes to these friends. That allows them to endure the initial shock in private & then to offer congratulations when they're ready.

(The Infertility Companion, pg 235)

I'm not sure that I would have thought about this before reading it but I do second it whole-heartedly. I remember when a good friend got pregnant who really deserves it but she got pregnant before I did & at first all I could think of was how happy I was for her but also how sad I was for me. She finally got the thing that I so desperately want.

I actually just finished the book, The Infertility Companion, & LOVED it. I highly recommend it to anyone suffering through infertility.

Waiting can be so hard to do =(

I think the title just about says it all. There are days that it's not so bad but there are days that it is unbearable. Those are the days that I have to lean on the Lord the most. This is the hardest trial I have ever dealt with but I can honestly say that the Lord is carrying me through it all. My strength ran out a long time ago. All the strength left is solely the Lord's strength & not mine. If you've never dealt with infertility I am so happy for you b/c I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It is a long road full of heartache & difficulties.

I will say though that it is this very struggle that drew me to the Lord to begin with so I am very thankful for that. But I'm here... I've finally broken down & accepted Him so can I get pregnant now, please? I know He has a plan & it's a plan to prosper us, not to harm us; to give us a hope & a future (Jeremiah 29:11) so I have to lean on Him & His promises but as you can see... some days are easier than others.

I just read a quote doing a Bible study recently that I love:

"Live every day to fulfill your personal mission. God has a reason for whatever season you are living through right now. A season of loss or blessing? A season of activity or hibernation? A season of growth or incubation? You may think you're on a detour, but God knows the best way for you to reach your destination."
~ Barbara Johnson

Wow! God knows what's He's doing & this is NOT a detour but has been & is all part of the plan. Okay, I know that I know *that* but I guess it's my humanness that gets in the way sometimes & I have to be reminded of it (sometimes I feel like I have to be reminded constantly... we humans are so weak, aren't we; at least I know I am).

And last but not least, this song has actually been coming on the radio a lot lately & has fast become a favorite of mine:

Thank you for listening. I do feel so much better when I can just let it out. :)

Interesting infertility information...

from my reading of The Infertility Companion by Glahn & Cutrer.

Is there a scientific link between fertility & prayer? It would appear so. Researchers in one study discovered that women at an IVF clinic had higher pg rates when, unknown to the patients, total strangers prayed for their success. In the study, researchers found that of the 199 women involved, those who were prayed for became pg twice as often as those who were not the focus of prayer. The researchers said they initially hesitated to report their findings but ultimately decided the information was too significant to suppress. None of the patients knew about the study, nor did the medical staff caring for them.

(pg 141)

Research suggests that IVF babies' families are stable & strong. In fact, couples who hae had a child with some high-tech help have marriages that are as strong or stronger than couples who have not struggled with infertility.

(pg 159)

Personally I believe your marriage comes out STRONGER. If your marriage can survive infertility, I think it can survive just about anything.

A Simple Reminder

My sweet angel's EDD actually went better than I expected. We bought beautiful pink roses & spread rose petals in the front yard. Yesterday, as I walked the dogs, I noticed how some of the rose petals were actually a few feet away from where we originally placed them. Then this morning I noticed a single petal in a very peculiar place... in the backyard, in between some bushes & the house itself & somewhat behind a wooden fence. How in the world did it get there? And then it occurred to me or was it the Lord speaking to me? My baby's life & death has/will reach people that I NEVER even imagined it could... like the single rose petal being so far from the others & so out of place. My baby did not die in vain. She is alive in heaven & here on this earth her short life was more valuable than anyone could have imagined. Anyone, that is, except our Lord & Savior, who knows all things. Praise you, Lord.

Missing my baby! :(

So today’s the day... today is her due date. Today I would have a sweet bundle of joy in my arms if I hadn’t lost her way too early. But I have to say that I do not regret my miscarriage at all... I miss my sweet baby but I don’t regret that she got a free pass to heaven where she will never know the pain of this world & where she gets to walk daily with Jesus. I miss what could have been... I never got to see her precious face or know her little personality. I never got to watch her grow up or laugh or even just smile. But today is not all sadness; it’s also a celebration of my precious miracle baby & the Lord’s goodness.

In honor of my precious angel & what would have been her birthday, I would like to share a letter I wrote to the Lord as part of an AMAZING pregnancy loss Bible study (Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy by Teale Fackler & Gwen Kik):

Dear Lord,

First I would like to thank you so so so so much for all your many blessings, for dying for me on the cross, for loving me, for grabbing a hold of my heart & not letting go until I finally turned toward you. And last but not least, for my sweet little miracle baby who sleeps up there in heaven with you. Without you I am nothing, Lord & I love you so very much!

The thing that hurts the most about my miscarriage is that I had to fight so so hard to get pregnant in the first place... 3.5 years, several doctors, & Clomid. Thank you so much for allowing me to get pregnant but it does hurt that I have had to fight tooth & nail just to conceive only to lose my precious miracle baby so early.

Since I am admitting my hurt I just feel that I should also admit some of the joy too... You were there during the entire miscarriage; that didn’t go unnoticed by me. You were beside me, hugging me, giving me peace & hope even through the worst of it. It still amazes me to this day that you placed Lynn at that hospital on her day off the way you did. Thank you so much for that & being there for me, Lord.

If I could talk to my baby I would tell her just how much I love her & how much we wanted her. How we fought so hard to have her & how it was worth every sacrifice we made, every tear we shed, every moment we tried. I would also tell her how I am so happy for her though I miss her dearly. I’m happy that she got a free pass to heaven & never had to know the pain of this world. I’m happy that she gets to spend time with you Lord. I know she is being well cared for but I do miss her so dearly. I’m going to miss watching her grow up, her bright shining face, her beautiful smile, & her glowing eyes.

Though I miss her I am still leaning on the scripture you gave me, which has come to be very meaningful to me...

And I declared that the dead, who had already died,
are happier than the living, who are still alive.
But better than both is he who has not yet been,
who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun.
- Ecclesiastes 4:2-3

Thank you Lord & I love you...

Your child,
Amanda

In memory of Chloe Elizabeth*
Estimated due date, January 16, 2010
Date of loss, July 1, 2009
Remembering My Sweet Angel

* Yes, I know we named her Chris but that was before I really started feeling/believing that it was a she & not a he. Chris is gender neutral but Chris just never really felt right... Chloe Elizabeth was the name chosen while we were pregnant for a girl.

Infertility Alphabet

I went to an Infertility Support Group meeting last night that a local church was sponsoring. I NEVER realized that we had something like this! :) I did enjoy it, though after getting there I realized that I think I’m in a place where I don’t necessarily need it as much as I thought I would but it was nice to get out & talk face to face with others that are going through the same thing as me. They gave me a printout of the "Infertility Alphabet" while I was there. I thought it was pretty cool so wanted to share (you can also find it online HERE)...


Infertility Alphabet

Ask and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Matthew 7:7

Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with Thanksgiving. Colossians 4:2

Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you. James 4:8

Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and He shall hear my voice. Psalm 55:17

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life John 3:16

Godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6

He that abideth in me, and I in Him, the same bringeth forth much fruit; for without Me ye can do nothing. John 15:5

In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust. Psalm 31:1

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged; condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned; forgive, and ye shall be forgiven. Luke 6:37

Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life. Jude 1:21

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have; for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5

My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:2

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen Hebrews 11:1

O give thanks unto the Lord; for He is good; for His mercy endureth forever. Psalm 106:1

Pray without ceasing. I Thessalonians 5:17

Quicken us, and we will call upon thy name. Psalm 80:18

Rejoice in every good thing which the Lord thy God hath given unto thee... Deuteronomy 26:11

Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth Colossians 3:2

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live; and let me not be ashamed of my hope. Psalm 119:116

Verily, verily, I say unto you, whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in My name, He will give it you. John 16:23

With God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26

Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it... Psalm 127:1

Ye shall seek Me, and find Me when ye shall search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

The Lord shall bless thee out of Zion... Psalm 128:5