Missing my baby! :(

So today’s the day... today is her due date. Today I would have a sweet bundle of joy in my arms if I hadn’t lost her way too early. But I have to say that I do not regret my miscarriage at all... I miss my sweet baby but I don’t regret that she got a free pass to heaven where she will never know the pain of this world & where she gets to walk daily with Jesus. I miss what could have been... I never got to see her precious face or know her little personality. I never got to watch her grow up or laugh or even just smile. But today is not all sadness; it’s also a celebration of my precious miracle baby & the Lord’s goodness.

In honor of my precious angel & what would have been her birthday, I would like to share a letter I wrote to the Lord as part of an AMAZING pregnancy loss Bible study (Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy by Teale Fackler & Gwen Kik):

Dear Lord,

First I would like to thank you so so so so much for all your many blessings, for dying for me on the cross, for loving me, for grabbing a hold of my heart & not letting go until I finally turned toward you. And last but not least, for my sweet little miracle baby who sleeps up there in heaven with you. Without you I am nothing, Lord & I love you so very much!

The thing that hurts the most about my miscarriage is that I had to fight so so hard to get pregnant in the first place... 3.5 years, several doctors, & Clomid. Thank you so much for allowing me to get pregnant but it does hurt that I have had to fight tooth & nail just to conceive only to lose my precious miracle baby so early.

Since I am admitting my hurt I just feel that I should also admit some of the joy too... You were there during the entire miscarriage; that didn’t go unnoticed by me. You were beside me, hugging me, giving me peace & hope even through the worst of it. It still amazes me to this day that you placed Lynn at that hospital on her day off the way you did. Thank you so much for that & being there for me, Lord.

If I could talk to my baby I would tell her just how much I love her & how much we wanted her. How we fought so hard to have her & how it was worth every sacrifice we made, every tear we shed, every moment we tried. I would also tell her how I am so happy for her though I miss her dearly. I’m happy that she got a free pass to heaven & never had to know the pain of this world. I’m happy that she gets to spend time with you Lord. I know she is being well cared for but I do miss her so dearly. I’m going to miss watching her grow up, her bright shining face, her beautiful smile, & her glowing eyes.

Though I miss her I am still leaning on the scripture you gave me, which has come to be very meaningful to me...

And I declared that the dead, who had already died,
are happier than the living, who are still alive.
But better than both is he who has not yet been,
who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun.
- Ecclesiastes 4:2-3

Thank you Lord & I love you...

Your child,
Amanda

In memory of Chloe Elizabeth*
Estimated due date, January 16, 2010
Date of loss, July 1, 2009
Remembering My Sweet Angel

* Yes, I know we named her Chris but that was before I really started feeling/believing that it was a she & not a he. Chris is gender neutral but Chris just never really felt right... Chloe Elizabeth was the name chosen while we were pregnant for a girl.