Monday, January 10, 2011

5 years!

2011 marks year number 5 on this infertility journey for us. It's funny but when we started this journey, sometime in 2006, I thought we'd get pregnant rather quickly. After all, Austin was a surprise so I knew I could get pregnant. Yeah, okay. LOL In the beginning (well, maybe about a year into it when I realized we weren't getting pregnant very easily) I was so lost, so depressed, so heartbroken. Why can't I get pregnant? What is wrong with me? With us? Am I a bad mother; is that why I can't get pregnant... because I'm a bad mother & God doesn't want me to have another? That last one weighed heavily on my heart for a long time. I thought something was wrong with ME & that God doesn't think I'm good enough so He was withholding this from me/us. I loved God but I didn't KNOW Him. I didn't understand this whole "Christianity" thing. I didn't understand the relationship part. I didn't understand that God was NOT withholding this blessing from me. I didn't understand that God only wants good for us & He loves us deeply. Words can't express the depth of the love He has for us, even in our fallen state (which is exactly where I was at during this time in my life), even before we accept Him.

But, as I have said in the past, God blessed me with infertility. Whoa, wait, what? Blessed, you ask. Yes, BLESSED! I would have never asked for infertility or wish it on anyone but He used infertility in my life to show me Him, His AWESOMENESS, & His power. He has used it to redeem me, to bring me to my knees in submission to Him & for that alone I am eternally grateful. He is growing me through this infertility... He is growing my character & molding me into Christ's likeness. He has greatly increased my faith & trust in Him. I see His hand all around me where before infertility, I knew & loved Him, though disobedient & wretched, but I didn't truly experience Him on a day to day basis like I do now. For example, just a few weekends ago, as I was shopping at the Thrift Store a book that I have been wanting since the beginning of this journey caught my eye... When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson. It wasn't even in the proper place so how & where I actually saw it was a miracle in itself. And then just a few days later I learned that our church is about to start a new women's Bible study... Jonah: Navigating A Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer. Now this is so special to me b/c I JUST went (last month) to a Deeper Still conference with Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, & Kay Arthur. I went for Beth Moore but was blessed by Priscilla Shirer. I'm telling you I was bawling by the time Priscilla Shirer quit speaking! She talked mostly about being in "the faith place" (that's where we feel compelled by God to do something & it's in THIS place that we have the potential to see miracles) & the "God margin" (we can only get so far w/o His help but that margin between what WE can do & the end goal is the "God margin" & is where He can step in & show out by performing miracles). Wow, I'm getting all teary-eyed just remembering how her words spoke to me that day.

Anyway, back to the original story... our church is going to start the Jonah study this coming Sunday & though initially I wanted to do her One In A Million study (I even got the One In A Million book for Christmas ), obviously God has other plans. Actually shortly after the the Deeper Still conference I was blog surfing on other infertility blogs & ran across Ashley over at Expecting Miracles & she just recently started this very same study. This study is obviously just something that is coming up a lot lately so I know God has big things planned for me through this study so I definitely don't want to miss out! Actually, watching the youtube video about how Priscilla Shirer's life was interrupted, has me soooooooooooooooo excited about this study.

It's not a divine interruption but a divine intervention & that is exactly what infertility is & has been. It isn't an accident & it has always only been for my good... to prosper me, not to harm me. Thank you, Jesus. I can't wait to see what is in store for me during the next several weeks as I go through this study.

Okay, last but not least, below are my notes from Priscilla Shirer during the Deeper Still conference. I wanted to record them here since they spoke to me so deeply & actually spoke directly on the subject of my infertility...

Faith without works (obedience) is dead.

When we feel compelled by God to do something, this is when we are called to the faith place (such as Esther, Jonah, Moses as he was parting the Red Sea). It is here where we have the potential to see miracles.

2 Kings 13:14-19
Elisha (his relationship with God) is their security but Elisha is dying & that security is quickly coming to an end. Don't concentrate on what we don't have & concentrate instead on what we do have (our bow & arrows). God's hand was placed on the king.

2 Chronicles 16:9

Be sure you hear from God.
"For every major decision, I have a particular verse for that decision."
~ Anne Graham Lotts
According to your faith, it will be done unto you. What you're willing to invest, you will get.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - In our weakness He is strong.

Why we don't lay it all down:
  • It doesn't make sense
  • Doubt
  • We don't want to look crazy
  • Insecurity/Plan B

We believe little because we've seen little & we've seen little because we believe little.

Psalm 20:7
Matthew 6:1

Others who have looked foolish throughout scripture:
  • Noah
  • Moses, parting the Red Sea
  • Sarah's pregnancy
  • David & Goliath
  • Peter walking on water
  • Marry's pregnancy
  • Isrealites & Jericho
  • Esther
  • Caleb
  • 3 Wisemen
  • The boy & his fish feeding 5,000
  • Jesus on the Cross

1 comment:

  1. What a great testimony! I also believe infertility has been a blessing because my faith has grown so much through it! Thanks for the shout out. I just finished the Jonah study last night and I loved it! I know you will, too!