What IF? (Project IF)

What if I am never able to give my husband a biological child? What if I never get another chance to "get it right"?

As you may already know I am dealing with secondary infertility & already have a 14 year old child from a previous marriage. I got married & pregnant literally right out of high school, back when I was young & immature & lets not forget, stupid! I was so naive & took so many things for granted. I didn't raise Austin like I should have; I didn't teach him about Jesus or very little about Jesus anyway. I didn't even really know Jesus myself back then so how could I have taught a child about Him. My parents pretty much raised Austin while I went to college to get a degree so I missed or worse yet, don't remember most of his "firsts"... his first steps, his first word, his first tooth. I have felt so much guilt for being such a bad parent to him. Well, I wasn't baaaaaaaad but I certainly wasn't a good parent, either. I was, like I said earlier, young, naive & immature.

I sooooooooooo want a do-over. I want to do it right this time around; I'm just sorry I wasn't there for Austin through the years like I should have been. I've really turned my life around in the past few years though (better late than never ) & am living for Jesus Christ daily now. My priorities have changed tremendously; I quit my job early last year so I can stay at home with the baby when I am so blessed as well as to homeschool Austin & our future bean(s). I want to be involved this time. I want to be a better parent. I want to be there for that child but will I get that chance?

Will I ever be able to give Mike a biological child to cuddle? Mike has no biological children (except the one in heaven who was lost last year due to a miscarriage) & actually I am his first (& hopefully only ) marriage. Mike did it right from the beginning & guess who's reproductive system is broken? Mine! Why was it so easy when I wasn't even trying but now that I am trying & want to do it "right" is it so hard to conceive? I know that Jesus has a plan & it's a perfect plan, a plan to prosper us, not to harm us so I am waiting & believing! I know I will be a mother to another wonderful miracle & this time I am going to cherish every moment, knowing this child is a gift from God.

What if I am blessed beyond belief for my faith & obedience to God through this journey? What if I get pregnant with twins (yes I secretly fantasize about having twins but that's another story )?

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is next week, April 24th - May 1st. You can get more info here... http://www.resolve.org/takecharge. And info on infertility in general here... http://www.resolve.org/infertility101.