Thursday, April 22, 2010

What IF? (Project IF)

What if I am never able to give my husband a biological child? What if I never get another chance to "get it right"?

As you may already know I am dealing with secondary infertility & already have a 14 year old child from a previous marriage. I got married & pregnant literally right out of high school, back when I was young & immature & lets not forget, stupid! I was so naive & took so many things for granted. I didn't raise Austin like I should have; I didn't teach him about Jesus or very little about Jesus anyway. I didn't even really know Jesus myself back then so how could I have taught a child about Him. My parents pretty much raised Austin while I went to college to get a degree so I missed or worse yet, don't remember most of his "firsts"... his first steps, his first word, his first tooth. I have felt so much guilt for being such a bad parent to him. Well, I wasn't baaaaaaaad but I certainly wasn't a good parent, either. I was, like I said earlier, young, naive & immature.

I sooooooooooo want a do-over. I want to do it right this time around; I'm just sorry I wasn't there for Austin through the years like I should have been. I've really turned my life around in the past few years though (better late than never ) & am living for Jesus Christ daily now. My priorities have changed tremendously; I quit my job early last year so I can stay at home with the baby when I am so blessed as well as to homeschool Austin & our future bean(s). I want to be involved this time. I want to be a better parent. I want to be there for that child but will I get that chance?

Will I ever be able to give Mike a biological child to cuddle? Mike has no biological children (except the one in heaven who was lost last year due to a miscarriage) & actually I am his first (& hopefully only ) marriage. Mike did it right from the beginning & guess who's reproductive system is broken? Mine! Why was it so easy when I wasn't even trying but now that I am trying & want to do it "right" is it so hard to conceive? I know that Jesus has a plan & it's a perfect plan, a plan to prosper us, not to harm us so I am waiting & believing! I know I will be a mother to another wonderful miracle & this time I am going to cherish every moment, knowing this child is a gift from God.

What if I am blessed beyond belief for my faith & obedience to God through this journey? What if I get pregnant with twins (yes I secretly fantasize about having twins but that's another story )?

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is next week, April 24th - May 1st. You can get more info here... And info on infertility in general here...


  1. thanks for sharing your what-if
    best of luck in your journey
    glad you got some meds and that you are enjoying your break
    sorry for your loss :(

  2. Awwwww! Thank you for dropping in & leaving a comment! =)

  3. Hello Amanda, thank you for your message on my blog. I hope it didn't confuse you that my blog is in German. I'm thinking about starting another blog in English. I'm from Germany (and that's where we live right now) and married to an American Soldier. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. It means a lot to me. I'm going to pray for you as well, because I really believe in prayers. Blogs like yours give me so much hope, it shows me that I'm not alone. I was looking for answers for so long, but I was looking in the wrong places. God amazes me every day, I would have never thought that I would find answers, hope and peace through blogs. I wish you and your husband all the best and I'm praying that God will bless you with a child.

  4. "I hope it didn't confuse you that my blog is in German." LOL Maybe just a little! *blush* If you do start a blog in English, please drop back in & let me know... I would LOVE to check it out! =) Actually, it's funny but my husband has German ancestry (on his mom's side).

    Awwwww, thank you for your prayers as well! =) I have no doubt at all that prayers work. I believe that it was our church "corporate" prayers that helped us get pg last year. The church prayed over us THE cycle we got pg & Clomid hasn't worked since! =( I'm not too down though... God is doing AMAZING things in my life & has provided free injectables to use later this year. God works in mysterious ways! =)

    ~ Amanda