CD 12 update

Sooooooooo... My estradiol level is 480, uterine lining is AWESOME, & I had about 6 follies that they saw, with the biggest at about 7 mm. And she didn't see any cysts/endometrioma this time! Now I don't know if it is because the cyst is truly gone or if they just couldn't see it because of how my ovary is positioned. Plus because of my ovary positioning & it being difficult there could be follies hiding that they couldn't see so I'm not sure if 7 mm is truly the biggest follie or if there is one hiding that is bigger or not but because the estradiol level went up (148 on CD 9 to 480 today) there is apparently follicular growth so we take another dose of Follistim tonight & go back tomorrow. Of course, if you remember from the last injectable cycle, day 12 is the day that I ovulated so I'm hoping & praying that history DOESN'T repeat itself & that I DON'T ovulate today, though as I sit here typing this I feel slight twinges in my ovary so only time will tell. Oh & just for reference my estradiol on CD 12 last cycle was 538 but I'm not worried... I'm trusting God.

As I was sitting in the waiting room (before my ultrasound) though I was reading the last few pages of a wonderful book, Esther by Charles Swindoll, & wanted to share part of what I read that really spoke to me there in the waiting room (pgs 195-196):

[Heaven's] where all arguments, suffering, disabilities, handicaps, brokenness, losses, tears, & tragedies will cease. That's where God will reign triumphant, in glory & majesty. That's where Christ will be the light & where we shall see Him as He is. No longer by faith--but by sight. No longer in hope but in absolute reality.

Lord, bring us back to the ancient message Esther portrays for us in her book. It's the same one that Jesus Christ not only declared but modeled. Bring us back to the One who is indeed our victor. Show us the importance of a humble spirit & true character. Give us a sense of satisfaction in being in Your plan, regardless of what that may mean for us on this earth. Give us the faith to trust You, even when You seem removed & distant. Fill us with hope as we anticipate the end that is sure to come. In the meantime, dear Father, make us responsible people who, like Esther, have been placed in our particular circumstances "for such a time as this," that we might carry Your message to a whole world. Give us her kind of courage & strength & dignity. And in that process, Lord, keep us from relying on our own ingenuity & determination. Remind us again & again that in the end, You win! May our hope rest firmly in Your Son Jesus Christ, in whose strong name I pray. Amen.

The bolded part is the part that spoke to me most in that waiting room this morning. I started tearing up & thinking just how far He has carried me through this. I have a supernatural sense of peace this cycle & I can honestly say that if I never have another child, I will be okay, but only in Him. I will be okay ONLY if He is by my side. I LOVE & TRUST Him to my core but look at what I have had to go through to get to this point. Look at what He has had to teach me. As long as I have Jesus, I have the world & don't need anything else, not even my heart's desire... a miracle baby. All I need is Jesus.

Don't misunderstand me though... I want a baby more than I want anything else on this earth. I want him/her so much, I can taste it, so to speak but I don't *need* one... all I truly *need* is Jesus. HE is my rock... my shelter in the storm.