Believing the Promise!

Thanks for the video, Kerstin! I LOVED it & started tearing up there at the end. Loved it so much that I want to share it!!!

With God all things are possible!!! There are several miracle stories like that in this video all around me (2 in particular - K & L) & I just LOVE hearing them b/c it reminds me that it could happen to me. K had a progesterone defect like me (though her progesterone was lower than mine at 0.something) & even saw an RE who told her that she would NOT get pregnant without the help of IVF. Well, she now has 2 beautiful boys & never used any kind of ART at all. And L has NEVER been able to get pregnant without the aide of Clomid due to a progesterone defect but just last year she had her miracle baby who was conceived during a cycle that she didn't even think she ovulated at all & if I'm remembering correctly her progesterone wasn't even high enough indicating ovulation yet she got pregnant. I remember that so well b/c she came to me scared to death b/c she didn't want to lose her precious miracle bean & I comforted her, telling her this is her gift from God & that no matter what, this is His will for her. Actually I am very hopeful that despite no medical assistance this cycle & despite Mike's business trip that maybe, just maybe, this is the month God will bless us with a miracle.

Plus I have to remember that it WAS His plan to do the injectables last cycle. I'm not sure why exactly but I KNOW that was His will since He gave me the free meds. Of course I was hopeful that last cycle would be the one but it wasn't so I'm just watching & praying & waiting to see how He will answer my prayers. I can't wait!

In other news... a friend at church has a beautiful rocker/recliner for sale.

This is the exact rocker/recliner I have had my heart set on for a long time now & no one even knew except God. I didn't tell anyone about it, not even Mike. Then one day last week during my weekly Bible study with friends I asked them to be on the look out for a rocker/recliner for a nursery but of course didn't mention specifics. When I came home that day I jumped on Facebook to find a friend selling the exact rocker/recliner that my heart has literally been set on for so long for $100. I contacted her & she is willing to hold it for me since she told me that she literally put it out there on a whim & no one even showed interest in it, except ME! She will even hold it till we get pregnant so that God forbid we don't get pregnant, we don't have to spend the money & not use the chair. She is just so sweet - being willing to hold it like that for me. I don't know that I will necessarily wait that long to buy it (but I did ask her if she would mind holding till Oct in hopes that by Oct I will have the nursery painted) since I am having faith that we WILL get pregnant but just the offer has really touched my heart. Oh & she is willing to drop $20 on the price so I can actually buy it for $80! How wonderful is she!

I am actually working on what will be the nursery again. I lost the motivation to do it last year after the miscarriage but the motivation has recently been restored & I have gotten it 95% clean now & hope to get it painted very soon. I'll post before & after pics once I get it cleaned out a bit more.

Anyone have any suggestions as to what color to paint it? Actually I wanted something a bit neutral & the carpet already in there is light blue but I hope to one day put hard wood floors in there. I am really really leaning toward cream & brown mixed. When I say mixed, I mean that I want both cream & brown to show through in places where you literally see the brushstrokes not a single uniform color.

By the way, I found this pic (though it isn't very good) on the Internet that might give you an idea of the carpet color (top row, left)...

And here's kinda what I had in mind as far as how the walls will be painted but in brown & cream of course...

Of course I'm still thinking about this since I'm not a decorator really so I'm not sure if it will really work or not or if it will be too much on the walls. I wanted to kinda stick to neutrals so that I can decorate with paintings, rugs, bedding, & so forth to change the look as I want/need. Oh & I should add that it is currently painted blue (on the top half of the walls) & white(on the bottom half) so whatever I color I choose, it will have to cover what's already there. What do you think? Please feel free to share any/all suggestions.

Definitely NOT implantation spotting! =(

So yeah, this is my period, definitely not implantation. There's waaaaaaaaaaay too much blood to be anything OTHER than my period & the fact that I am STILL bleeding. I did call the RE this morning & one of the nurses did say that Follistim can make you start your period slightly early but I still don't think it should have been THIS early. This is ridiculous. Even if we did fertilize an egg it absolutely had NO WAY of implanting. And I'm not sure that the nurse understood that, which is frustrating. She kept saying we had a 9 day luteal phase which I wanted to say um, no... at most it was 7 days (maybe 8 according to THEIR office since if you start your period after 4 pm they count it as the next day) if I Oed Friday the 6th (my chart shows Saturday, the 7th, as ovulation but she & I both think I probably really ovulated on Friday rather than Saturday but still how do you get 9 days from that). Sometimes I think I know more about these things than many dr's or nurses do.

The good news is that I will be talking to the RE himself Wednesday, Sept 1st, at 9:20 am to ask him how & why this happened (which Mike & I both agree that this is really probably the next step anyway considering how screwy this 1st injectable cycle went). I don't get it... Clomid NEVER did this to me & according to everything I can find Clomid and injectables are supposed to help fix luteal phase defects, not create them. I have NEVER had a luteal phase defect (until NOW that is) since I started charting 4 years ago; granted I don't ovulate like I should half the time but I just don't get it.

The bad news is Mike has a business trip at the end of this month which means we will have to wait this cycle out & try again next cycle (hopefully if Mike doesn't have another business trip which he very well might). He has several trips coming up, which all seem to line up with my ovulation so I'm not going to even think/worry about it right now. What does Jesus say about this. Oh, yeah...

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
~ Matthew 6:34

Besides, as the nurse pointed out, 7 times out of 10 people usually have to skip a cycle in between anyway b/c there is a cyst on your ovary & I didn't even get the full 2 wks for any cysts to go away since AF decided to show a week early. I'm still trusting & believing God that we WILL get pregnant though! However, I'm not trying to sugar coat it... it hurts.

Why wasn't this the cycle? Why do I have to wait even longer? Is 4 years not long enough already? When will it be our turn? But it's times like these that I have to cling tightly to scripture & His promises. It's times like these that I have to remember that we walk by faith & not by sight. By sight, it just seems impossible & hopeless but I know that's not true b/c with God, all things are possible. Satan wants me to think it's hopeless but I know it's not.

Here's a quote that I recently read on one of my favorite boards that really just strikes me & gives me some comfort right now:

"Be assured that if God makes you wait longer than you wish, it is only to make the blessing all the more precious."
~ Author Unknown

Implantation Spotting???

Warning: May be

So I'm 7 dpo today & when I just went to the bathroom noticed quite a bit of blood... more than spotting but not enough that it looks like AF showing early (YET). We'll just have to wait & see what tomorrow brings... if it clears up or gets heavier. I'm still excited & am believing this is implantation & not AF showing a WEEK early! Praise the Lord no matter what tomorrow brings!

CD 15 update

So, my estradiol level from Friday's appt is 538. My estradiol level from today's appt is 452, which means I did in fact ovulate sometime between Friday & today... more specifically I believe I ovulated late Friday night into early Saturday morning. I really really thought I did & apparently I was right though during the ultrasound itself the nurse didn't see any signs of ovulation. All she saw was nice big follies... 6 total (not all were mature) & several were over 20 mm! Of course b/c I already ovulated there will be no trigger tonight but that's okay... we're not out - we could have caught that egg yet!

I'm not upset since I know God is in control AND I know His hand is in this & has been from the beginning. I'm trusting Him. I'm actually very excited & hopeful that THIS IS IT... this is THE cycle!!!

If, however this isn't the cycle, the RE is going to up my dose next cycle to hopefully prevent early ovulation. And thankfully, praise the Lord, we have infertility coverage on our insurance so we can do another round. But I will say that we are approaching the end of this journey. I'm not sure how many cycles of injectables we'll do but we won't go further than this, I don't believe. It's not impossible to change my mind but I do & have thought for a long time now that injectables is the end of the line for us.

So now we wait... we wait 2 weeks to see if AF shows or not. She's due Friday (Aug 20th) or Sunday (Aug 22nd) depending on who you ask... according to my normal luteal phase of 12 days she's due Friday but if you use the standard 14 day luteal phase that means Sunday. And if I am pregnant this cycle then I should be due April 30, 2011.

CD 12 update

Warning: This is probably my longest post ever!

So yesterday's appt... no significant changes! What?! Yep, my follies were about the same size as previously (~ 1 cm is exactly what she said & last time if you remember they were ~ 1.4 cm or 14 mm). She did say though that my uterine lining looks excellent for implantation! Woo-hoo! So my instructions are to continue 3 more days with 150 IUs of Follistim & follow up with an appt on Monday at 8:45 am. I don't know the exact Estradiol level since they called & left a message while I was in the mandatory homeschooling meeting that I had to go to yesterday so I plan to ask about it Monday when I go for my appt. Oh & Monday is going to be another long day for me, like yesterday. I have the RE appt at 8:45 am & an appt with my thyroid dr at 2 pm. Geez, I might just need to move into my dr's office or something. I sure do wish I lived closer though.

Oh & I think I *may* have ovulated yesterday. I don't know & at this point I just about don't care. I've given it to God & He's in control. I refuse to stress about it. Yesterday at about 3 pm I felt what in every other past cycle has been ovulation pains. They are dull achy pains in or around my ovary that usually last hours & this is exactly what happened (it lasted all night & into this morning). Only time will tell... I assume they can tell me Monday when I go back for monitoring again. Of course I do have a friend who goes to the same dr as I do & is doing the same treatment & she said that this kind of pain is normal & that I shouldn't be concerned so I'm just waiting till Monday & we'll see, I suppose. (By the way, if you wanna check out my chart this cycle, you can HERE.)

I did leave the appt yesterday in a much better mood than I left with Tuesday actually. I actually left kinda chuckling in my head. If you only knew EVERYTHING I have been through this week... I don't think anyone would blame me for just wanting to crawl in a hole & crying but I do not feel that way at all. It is actually kinda comical & I can't help but laugh at all of it.

So Tuesday's appt:

• it took an hour to get back there to get my ultrasound done & when I did get back there I just felt like the nurse didn't talk/explain much of anything... I had to ask specifically what was going on or she wasn't going to tell me (all she had started to say was "Everything looks pretty good" & she was going to leave it at that adding that they'd call me to tell me what the dr said). I specifically asked how my follies looked... she wasn't going to volunteer any information though she did mention my uterine lining looked good. I even laid on the table wondering if she could even find my ovary & was kinda panicking thinking something must be wrong if she isn't mentioning them.
• oh & when I finally got back there she put me in a room, with absolutely NO INSTRUCTIONS. Then she came back & said, "Oh you don't have your bottoms off yet" & I was like, no... you haven't told me what to do & so I didn't know exactly what we were doing or what was going to happen (since this is my first injectable cycle so I'm still learning the process )
• okay so then I go to leave & cars are parked so close to my car (on EVERY side) that I actually thought I might not be able to get out of the parking spot. It took some real doing to wriggle myself out of that tight fit.
• I also had to order MORE Follistim which of course costs more money (which if they would have just ordered extra with my 1st order it would have been cheaper for me with my insurance coverage... I pay the same amount/deductible regardless if I order 1 vial or 10 so really they should have just ordered more than enough with the 1st order but I'm actually going to give them the benefit of the doubt here... they didn't necessarily know that so they may have thought they were saving me money by not ordering meds I may not need).
• Okay but I'm not giving them the benefit of the doubt here... the pharmacy called & the nurse apparently called my prescription in to a DIFFERENT pharmacy which does not have free shipping so I'm paying $13 extra for shipping. So the 2nd order of Follistim actually costs MORE than the 1st order of Follistim + Trigger. Why didn't she just call it in to the same pharmacy that they used the 1st time?! Actually I had a different nurse so I'm sure that's why. The 1st nurse talked to me about the best & cheapest pharmacy to use while the other nurse just seems like she doesn't care since she's not paying for it. Oh & I realize that I pay A LOT less than a lot of people pay. I am VERY blessed & appreciative that I am fortunate enough to have Fertility coverage but my issue is with the nurse that just doesn't seem to care.
• And then the pharmacy called me back to tell me my FSA isn't covering the cost of the 2nd script of Follistim. WHAT?! So yeah, I had to use my personal credit card which of course is Mike's money. I stay at home so I just feel guilty about that & was really grateful for the FSA.
• Not to mention that my next appt was Friday (yesterday), on the same day that I have/had a MANDATORY homeschooling meeting. So I was hoping & praying that I could get out of the appt in time to get back home so I can carry Austin to the meeting, which I did get to do it all though I was gone from 7:15 am till 4:30 pm
  

So now, yesterday's appt:

• We need to order yet MORE Follistim & of course the other 2 places it was ordered from were out of state & they had to overnight the meds to me so of course I kinda asked how we would get the meds since I was completely out & they said, oh you can just get them from the pharmacy located right behind the RE's office (so this is my 3rd pharmacy now). What?! Ummm, why couldn't I get my last prescription there & save $13 in shipping. I will say that at this point I had a heart to heart with the nurse & said to PLEASE order me more than enough since I pay the same price if I order 1 vial or 10. Well, praise the Lord, she ordered me 10 vials! I think I have enough (or mostly enough) for another cycle if I need it. LOL Which of course I won't since this cycle is going to work!
• Not to mention when I told her I had NO meds left she asked about the prescription she called in. Well, apparently the pharmacy messed up... the prescription she sent in was for two 150 IU vials & they sent two 75 IU vials.
  

So by the time I left yesterday's appt I just had to laugh at all the stuff that has been going on. I really think it is Satan attacking... it just seems toooooooo much for it to be coincidence, ya know.

I have 2 wonderful, wonderful Christ-loving friends (C & K) that really picked me up after Tuesday's appt though & I think that may have had a lot to do (note Ecclesiastes 4:12, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken") with my actually really good mood yesterday despite my follies not responding after an additional 3 days of meds. C, I think, really hit the nail on the head. She said that this is my wilderness & that my promised land is just right around the corner. The next morning I did a free-form Bible study (The Story of Moses, Lessons From the Story of Moses, Turn Your Desert Into a Productive Spiritual Retreat) & it all came together. THIS IS MY WILDERNESS, my time of relying on the Lord. I'm about to enter my promised land (having a baby) so I've got to rely on God... He will conquer my enemies & we will inhabit the land... soon!

CD 9 ultrasound & bloodwork update

So everything looked pretty good this morning according to the nurse... my ovary & uterus lining are responding as they should thus far. My estradiol level came back 310 & I have 1 follicle that is 14 mm (& several other smaller ones) though they like to them them closer to 16 mm so we still have some growing to do. So I am to continue 150 IUs of Follistim for 3 more days & go back Friday at 8:45 am to see how things are looking & hopefully to get the go ahead to trigger.

No side effects at all except one... tons & tons of EWCM & abnormally early in my cycle (I usually start seeing it around day 12 or 13 but this cycle I started seeing it around day 8 or 9). I hope this is a good sign!

I'm not sure why but this morning, leaving the dr's office, I just felt kinda down in the dumps... maybe it was b/c it took an hour to get back to get my ultrasound done & then when I did get back there I just felt like the nurse didn't talk/explain much of anything... I had to ask specifically what was going on or she wasn't going to tell me (all she had started to say was "Everything looks pretty good" & she was going to leave it at that adding that they'd call me to tell me what the dr said), maybe it is just the emotional toll of trying to conceive with medical assistance, maybe it's b/c I'm going to have to order MORE Follistim which of course costs more money (which if they would have just ordered extra with my last order it would have been cheaper for me with my insurance coverage), maybe it's that I have a mandatory homeschooling meeting Friday that now we are going to have to figure out (I'm hoping that my appt won't last as long & I can get out in time to get Austin there or else Mike is just going to have to carry him). Why do I let these feelings invade the way they do? Maybe it is Satan attacking my faith. No matter what though I will praise Him through the storm. This song says it all...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
~ Romans 8:28

Lord, please carry me through this - I need you now more than ever. I can't do this in my own strength; I'm tired & weary. I'm putting it all in your hands & trusting you, no matter what. I love you & praise your holy name!