Wave of Light & RE appt update...

Starting with the RE appt...

There really isn't much to update since all it was was a pap & a physical but I did ask about the possibility of taking a GnRH antagonist (Ganirelix) when we do meds (Follistim, 300 IUs & Menopur, 150 IUs) again in order to prevent a premature LH surge & he said that was reasonable & basically told me to ask again after the laparoscopy (still no set date yet but we did discuss a few possible dates & will call back this week to schedule it in November, maybe December) but he wrote it in his notes so I think it will probably happen. Oh & he did mention that I get the favorite patient of the year award. Apparently he likes my questions.

One somewhat comical thing that happened was his *personality test,* as he put it. LOL He never told me how to put the gown on when it came time to get ready for my exam. I actually noticed that little fact & even asked the nurse, which she replied to just do whatever is most comfortable for me. She mentioned that most ladies put it on with the ties in the back. Well, I actually tried that & it just wasn't very comfortable with my back & butt hanging out so I reversed the gown with the ties in the front but of course I clutched the open flaps to keep the front tightly closed so nothing was exposed. Sooooooo, all this to say that according to his *personality test,* I am shy on the outside but wild on the inside. LOL Yeah, okay.

And now for the Wave of Light...

Yesterday, as you may already know, was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day (part of October's Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Month) & in honor of that, last night was the Wave of Light...

My candle in remembrance of my sweet angel baby (& all the other precious angles as well)...

2nd injectables cycle RE follow-up appt update

Well, he doesn't believe this 2nd cycle produced a premature LH surge as I originally thought. I thought that because the estradiol went down from CD 12 to 13 that I had an LH surge but he said that it wasn't a huge decrease AND the "dirty little secret," as he put it, of labs is that they aren't 100% accurate... that you can take another sample from the same blood & get a completely different number. Anyway, all this to say that he thinks the decrease this time was just one of those funny things & he really questions my ovarian function. My ovary is defective... obviously. A nurse suggested a laparoscopic surgery just to check for scar tissue & look around to see if there is anything going on that might need fixin' (mostly because my ovary is difficult to see/find during my ultrasounds). This will also optimize the equipment, I guess, in order to hopefully get pregnant. Then the next step is an even higher dose (the maximum) of Follistim & the addition of another drug, Menopur, to hopefully stimulate my ovary into actually working. Now if I respond well & produce follicles then he said IVF could be considered in the future; however, if I don't respond well to this treatment & only produce 1 or 2 follicles then we'd have to consider IVF with donor eggs.

I had decided at the beginning of this journey that IVF was out completely. I just think for us that if we have to cross the IVF bridge we should seriously consider adoption at that point & I never wanted to have to consider IVF. Of course I have serious reservations about adoption as well. I'm going to come out & tell you & confess my fears... I would LOVE to adopt but I fear that no one would come into this house with these dogs & allow it. We have 8 dogs & at least 1 isn't the most people friendly dog in the world. He's the sweetest dog you have ever seen if you are a part of this family but if you're not he's a butt (he just barks a lot & I mean a lot) but he is only protecting his family, if you know what I mean. By the way, the dog I'm referring to is a lab mix & is my baby (I've included a pic of him below - this one is when he was only a few years old). So for now, adoption isn't the best option either.

Okay, so back to having a baby... I go back in a week to have my yearly pap & a physical, at which point I'll schedule the surgery. We didn't discuss it but he did write in his notes the possibility of an IUI in the future, probably to optimize my chances. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I guess.

I've been thinking about how Clomid worked last year & now it hasn't worked since & how Follistim hasn't even been working & how I even ovulated on my own without Clomid before starting Follistim yet didn't get pregnnat & what all this means & such. Soooooooo, I really, really think that the Lord wants me to see just how hopeless it is (natureally) so that when it does happen I will know that it was HIS hand & no medication in the world that resulted in our pregnancy. I think he's growing my faith through this; He's teaching me about Him through my experience. And I believe we WILL get pregnant as the result of His promise (like Abraham) & not as the result of any natural or ordinary means but strictly as the result of HIS promise. I am hanging tightly to this...

"For it is written that Abraham had two sons, one by the slave woman and the other by the free woman. His son by the slave woman was born in the ordinary way; but his son by the free woman was born as the result of a promise."
~ Galatians 4:22-23

All the way home from my appointment today I listened to & sang one of my favorite songs, Mountain Mover (which I've already mentioned before but I wanted to mention again since it just has so much meaning for me right now)...

I’ve got a problem (infertility) in my pathway.
I feel I’m frozen here.
The doubts (will I ever have a baby, what if...) are circling high above me
But in the shadow of my fear
The fire of faith is stirring
Growing inside of me
Reminding me of something
I already believe…

My God is a mountain mover.
My God's gonna make a way.
Can't count all the times He's proven we can trust Him; just have faith.
Take a hopeless situation, watch Him turn it all around.
Nothing is impossible; I can't hold back, I've gotta shout!
My God, my God, my God is a mountain mover!

I will get pregnant & when I do it will be because of HIS promise & because He had his hand on my ovary, willing it to work but it won't be because I found the specific method or cure of sorts for me & my infertility. Praise Him for the miracle He is about to perform.

AF showed right on schedule this morning =(

So obviously this isn't *the* cycle. I was so hopeful it would be too. RE appt Thursday, yay! *insert sarcasm here* Sorry ... I'm just getting tired of this ride & I want off plus I'm a little concerned about what he's going to say/suggest Thursday. Injectables are NOT going like they should. I keep having a premature LH surge. The one thing I can say from this journey is that it was a miracle that I got pregnant with Austin almost 15 years ago, it was a miracle that I got pregnant last year with only the help of Clomid & it will be a miracle if I EVER get pregnant again. And when I say "miracle," I mean a divine miracle from God Himself. There is no way it will ever happen again for me without His hand & His will.

I will say though that I'm taking it better than I did even just a year ago. I know that God's will is always best for us so this is the best path for me. And I'm believing that it WILL happen but it just looks so hopeless at times. Of course that's usually when the Lord steps in & delivers a miracle. I just have to keep reminding myself of these 2 facts.