I've been so emotional lately...

and not to mention, crying a lot and I'm not even on any kind of medication YET!

So this morning in our small group Bible study class (my Life group as our church calls them), our study leader asked if Mike & I minded if the group prayed over us, which of course, we said of course we don't mind. It was so sweet & so unexpected & what is most ironic is I remember talking to Mike back in Dec/Jan about possibly asking the Life group to do this but I NEVER actually mentioned it to our group. I have asked for their prayers but never asked them to pray over us like that. Our leader just felt led to do it today. Needless to say, I shed a few tears. It just really touched my heart & was so incredibly sweet & unexpected. I know the Lord is in this & I'm trusting Him. I know He has a plan... no matter the outcome. Praise You Lord; praise Your Holy Name!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
~ Proverbs 3:5-6

So if that weren't bad enough I teared up a bit during several worship songs (In Your Presence, Still) this morning as well. It's funny but just knowing that I am about to TTC again next cycle, I am just so much more emotional lately. I'm going to hate to see my emotions next cycle when I'm actually taking the medication!

I would also like to share some scriptures that, just in the past week, have been meaningful to me:

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
~ Philippians 4:19

He will supply the finances we need to have this baby. He has already supplied much of the medication needed. (From the devotional, How Bid Is God?)

Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.
~ Micah 7:7

This verse describes this entire 6 month break for me. He HAS heard me & look at everything He has already provided. Thank you Lord. (From the devotional, God's Provisions)

I am so very blessed!

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I was blog surfing last night & ran across this poem & I must admit, it touched me to the core. So much so that I was in tears...

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "you can always adopt," or "things happen for a reason", or the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me!

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life? It's hard to understand that people can't see infertility for what it is -- a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get back up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility for anyone, I can't deny that a more fertile woman could ever know the joy that awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know..."

~ Anonymous

RE appt update

The appt went really well. Actually I could be doing injectibles RIGHT NOW (which I honestly was not expecting) if it weren't for a procedure that I had done yesterday!

Actually I haven't mentioned it on here but... due to a family history of colon cancer (my mom & her father (my grandfather)) my new family dr REALLY wanted me to do a colonoscopy before getting pregnant so I thought this week (Friday) would be perfect timing. Well, it came back mostly clear... they did find a small polyp which they removed & sent to the lab to determine if it would have turned into colon cancer or not. I should know something in about 2 weeks. Regardless though, it's better that I remove it now before it possibly turns into cancer than to wait a few years, after I have a baby, when it has possibly already turned into cancer.

So back to trying to conceive & the RE appt... right now it is a "go" for next cycle (of course there is a possible business trip in August that Mike might have to go on (we're still not sure yet) that can push our first injectible cycle back some ). I could be pregnant in less than a month!

I just know this is gonna work. It has too... if it doesn't this journey might be quickly coming to an end. We can't afford to do many injectible cycles... I don't think. But the one thing I can say is that the Lord is faithful... I got pregnant last year despite all this, He's given me free Follistim, He's given me little encouraging gifts & acts of faithfulness along the way (some I have mentioned on here (my nightgown, R&R in Fort Walton) & some I haven't (providing financially when we need it most)).

Please pray that this works... specifically that I get pregnant on my first round of injectibles. Last year, when I got pregnant with Clomid our church prayed for us THAT cycle & we got pregnant THAT cycle. And Clomid has not worked since, even at a higher dose (What I Believe He is Teaching Me Right Now). I honestly believe that the prayers did it. So please pray... I need all the prayers I can get.

R&R at Fort Walton Beach

Wow! The Lord is AMAZING! We had an AWESOME trip (pics to come) & one of the most amazing things to me was my Bible study which I carried with me... Experiencing God. I actually started this study months before taking my 6 month medical assistance break but I put it on the back burner when my church started doing a Beth Moore study at the beginning of the year. Well, I picked it up once again when the Beth Moore study ended & started from the beginning so I wouldn't miss anything. Anyway, Wednesday morning, the first morning on this trip that I pulled my study out, it covered Genesis 22:1-18. If you remember, right before I decided to take the 6 month break this is exactly what I studied (So Tired of This). Boy, that got my attention & it really reinforced that He WILL provide a child for me. Let me share a little excerpt from the study with you,

"How did Sherri know that God was the God who could provide a husband? She claimed who God was and then proceeded to watch and pray. She was open to receive the one God would give her. She had to obey and receive when God revealed His choice to her. Then she came to know God as the Provider of Partners."
(pg 58, emphasis mine)

This really speaks to me but in the context of "Provider of Children." I've been watching & praying & as you know this has been a wild ride but truthfully, though there have been many ups & downs, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am learning how to lean on Him & trust Him more each day, growing closer & closer to Him as I experience Him daily. I've seen him do things just for me that amaze me. He is with me daily & has taught me so much through this wait.

Yes, it has been & can be a long, hard road but as Charles Swindoll put it, "Hurting people gain a perspective that those who have not yet been hurt lack" (Esther: A Woman of Strength and Dignity, pg 151).

"It's doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply."
~ A. W. Tozer

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
Psalm 119: 67, 71, 75

He WILL provide a child & I can't tell you how excited I am & how much more appreciative I will be just because there is no way I can/will take this child for granted.

And last but not least a few pics of our AWESOME trip...

Father's Day

Well, Father's day was a lot harder for me than Mother's day was. I think it's because they decided to have Baby Dedication at church yesterday as well... 7 beautiful babies being dedicated. And I really don't think it would have been that bad or hard on me except that the 2 babies born close to when my baby should have been born were being dedicated so all I could think about was how my baby should have been up there. She would be 5 months old now.

I thought for sure that I shared the story on here about the 2 babies born close to my EDD but if I did, I couldn't find it. So here goes... when I got pregnant last year, 2 other church members got pregnant as well & the 3 of us were literally due one after the other. L was due at the beginning of Jan, I was due Jan 16th, & G was due Jan 18th. Well, I had a miscarriage (as you already know) & got to watch them go on to have beautiful baby girls. L ended up having her baby at the end of Dec & G had hers on Jan 17th (at the exact same hospital that I would have had mine at, I learned yesterday). I am so glad they have beautiful babies but I just miss mine & it really hits hard every now & then.

I'm a lot better today... trusting & leaning on Him to get me through this. I'm reminded of one of my favorite scriptures:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

I'm walking by faith & not by sight, trusting Him, no matter what.

A poem for me =)

A very lovely lady & friend (who has also lost a child, well actually a few children, through miscarriage) from my favorite online community wrote me a beautiful poem the other day that I just had to share on here...

We share a bond of sadness
That's often hard to bear
But God in His great mercy
Put us both on here to share

His joy, our strength, we know
Will hold us when we cry
Amanda, our babies are safe
In His hands, up in the sky

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f44-christian-parenting/2013513-amanda-his-hands.html

All I can say is...

Preparing for the rain! =)

Remember the parable I spoke about in a recent post, Pearls and Grace...

There were two farmers, neighbors, both praying for rain for their crops - for their livelihood. After praying, one farmer waited for the rain; the other farmer went to his field and started preparing for rain. Which one do you think had the greater faith?

Well, I just purchased, last weekend, a beautiful nightgown that will be just perfect for my stay in the hospital when we finally welcome a baby into the world. It's blue... my absolute favorite color & buttons up at the top (perfect for breastfeeding, which I think I would like to try to do) & it's a night gown instead of pajamas (which is typically all I own LOL). I will be having a repeat c-section so I thought the night gown would be the easiest for me & anyone who helps me the few days after the surgery & because it is a nightgown, there is no waist band to press down on the incision.

Isn't it just gorgeous?!

Actually I splurged a bit to buy it (not much but when you are counting every dollar like we are, every single dollar counts). I put it in my shopping cart & carried it around, praying about it... should I splurge or shouldn't I? I really wanted it but I haven't checked to see what nightgowns might be at the Thrift Store yet AND a hospital stay seems so far away that what if I find a different one a few months from now that I like even more than this one. I had decided that b/c I hadn't checked the Thrift Store yet I would at least look around there first & then maybe buy this one at Wal-Mart later if I didn't find anything else. Plus maybe I could find it on sale in a few months. So on my way to electronics, after I had made my mind up, I saw a beautiful baby boy that made eye contact with me... we literally locked eyes & in that moment I really felt like God was telling me to splurge so I did.

I was actually kinda afraid that our grocery bill was going to be about $20 over what it normally is with the nightgown... that was one of the main reasons I wanted to check the Thrift Store first; to save money. Well, I ended up spending about what I NORMALLY spend anyway so it really kinda felt like I was getting it for free & it was yet another gift from the Lord. Wow! He is just so good to me! Thank you so much Lord. I love you & praise Your Holy Name!