2nd injectables cycle RE follow-up appt update

Well, he doesn't believe this 2nd cycle produced a premature LH surge as I originally thought. I thought that because the estradiol went down from CD 12 to 13 that I had an LH surge but he said that it wasn't a huge decrease AND the "dirty little secret," as he put it, of labs is that they aren't 100% accurate... that you can take another sample from the same blood & get a completely different number. Anyway, all this to say that he thinks the decrease this time was just one of those funny things & he really questions my ovarian function. My ovary is defective... obviously. A nurse suggested a laparoscopic surgery just to check for scar tissue & look around to see if there is anything going on that might need fixin' (mostly because my ovary is difficult to see/find during my ultrasounds). This will also optimize the equipment, I guess, in order to hopefully get pregnant. Then the next step is an even higher dose (the maximum) of Follistim & the addition of another drug, Menopur, to hopefully stimulate my ovary into actually working. Now if I respond well & produce follicles then he said IVF could be considered in the future; however, if I don't respond well to this treatment & only produce 1 or 2 follicles then we'd have to consider IVF with donor eggs.

I had decided at the beginning of this journey that IVF was out completely. I just think for us that if we have to cross the IVF bridge we should seriously consider adoption at that point & I never wanted to have to consider IVF. Of course I have serious reservations about adoption as well. I'm going to come out & tell you & confess my fears... I would LOVE to adopt but I fear that no one would come into this house with these dogs & allow it. We have 8 dogs & at least 1 isn't the most people friendly dog in the world. He's the sweetest dog you have ever seen if you are a part of this family but if you're not he's a butt (he just barks a lot & I mean a lot) but he is only protecting his family, if you know what I mean. By the way, the dog I'm referring to is a lab mix & is my baby (I've included a pic of him below - this one is when he was only a few years old). So for now, adoption isn't the best option either.

Okay, so back to having a baby... I go back in a week to have my yearly pap & a physical, at which point I'll schedule the surgery. We didn't discuss it but he did write in his notes the possibility of an IUI in the future, probably to optimize my chances. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I guess.

I've been thinking about how Clomid worked last year & now it hasn't worked since & how Follistim hasn't even been working & how I even ovulated on my own without Clomid before starting Follistim yet didn't get pregnnat & what all this means & such. Soooooooo, I really, really think that the Lord wants me to see just how hopeless it is (natureally) so that when it does happen I will know that it was HIS hand & no medication in the world that resulted in our pregnancy. I think he's growing my faith through this; He's teaching me about Him through my experience. And I believe we WILL get pregnant as the result of His promise (like Abraham) & not as the result of any natural or ordinary means but strictly as the result of HIS promise. I am hanging tightly to this...

"For it is written that Abraham had two sons, one by the slave woman and the other by the free woman. His son by the slave woman was born in the ordinary way; but his son by the free woman was born as the result of a promise."
~ Galatians 4:22-23

All the way home from my appointment today I listened to & sang one of my favorite songs, Mountain Mover (which I've already mentioned before but I wanted to mention again since it just has so much meaning for me right now)...

I’ve got a problem (infertility) in my pathway.
I feel I’m frozen here.
The doubts (will I ever have a baby, what if...) are circling high above me
But in the shadow of my fear
The fire of faith is stirring
Growing inside of me
Reminding me of something
I already believe…

My God is a mountain mover.
My God's gonna make a way.
Can't count all the times He's proven we can trust Him; just have faith.
Take a hopeless situation, watch Him turn it all around.
Nothing is impossible; I can't hold back, I've gotta shout!
My God, my God, my God is a mountain mover!

I will get pregnant & when I do it will be because of HIS promise & because He had his hand on my ovary, willing it to work but it won't be because I found the specific method or cure of sorts for me & my infertility. Praise Him for the miracle He is about to perform.

AF showed right on schedule this morning =(

So obviously this isn't *the* cycle. I was so hopeful it would be too. RE appt Thursday, yay! *insert sarcasm here* Sorry ... I'm just getting tired of this ride & I want off plus I'm a little concerned about what he's going to say/suggest Thursday. Injectables are NOT going like they should. I keep having a premature LH surge. The one thing I can say from this journey is that it was a miracle that I got pregnant with Austin almost 15 years ago, it was a miracle that I got pregnant last year with only the help of Clomid & it will be a miracle if I EVER get pregnant again. And when I say "miracle," I mean a divine miracle from God Himself. There is no way it will ever happen again for me without His hand & His will.

I will say though that I'm taking it better than I did even just a year ago. I know that God's will is always best for us so this is the best path for me. And I'm believing that it WILL happen but it just looks so hopeless at times. Of course that's usually when the Lord steps in & delivers a miracle. I just have to keep reminding myself of these 2 facts.

CD 13 update... Triggering tonight!!!

Sooooooooo... my ultrasound this morning went AMAZING!!! I have 7 follies & 1 is mature at 18 mm. Go me!!! No, scratch that... Go God!!! He is the ONLY reason this cycle is working at all. He may be using injectables to achieve a pregnancy (like He used Clomid last cycle) but there is no doubt in my mind that it is solely Him at work here & not medicine. Without His will this cycle would fail just like every other medicated cycle that has failed (all of them except 1, that is). The glory belongs to Him & Him alone! Praise the Lord. I am so excited. This just might be THE cycle.

My estradiol level went down (from 480 yesterday to 379 today) which is probably not the greatest news but I'm still excited that we got the go ahead to trigger.

If this isn't the cycle his nurse told me that he wants to see me BEFORE starting a new cycle so my next appt is set for Oct 7th at 9 am. Uh-oh, I'm in trouble! My body is apparently just not very cooperative or something & he is probably going to want to discuss other options or surgery or something, I don't really know but that's my guess. Lord, please let this work!

I listened & sang along (loudly) to one of my favorite songs that our choir sings, Mountain Mover (if you listen to the demo though I just wanted to add that our choir sounds so much better than the demo... we have an AWESOME choir ), this morning & yesterday morning right before my appointment & again after my appointment this morning. I'm believing that God is going to move this mountain & we WILL get pregnant.

Let me share a few of the lyrics that just really speak to me from that song...

My God is a mountain mover.
My God's gonna make a way.
Can't count all the times He's proven we can trust Him; just have faith.
Take a hopeless situation, watch Him turn it all around.
Nothing is impossible; I can't hold back, I've gotta shout!
My God, my God, my God is a mountain mover!

I just LOVE singing this song!!!

CD 12 update

Sooooooooo... My estradiol level is 480, uterine lining is AWESOME, & I had about 6 follies that they saw, with the biggest at about 7 mm. And she didn't see any cysts/endometrioma this time! Now I don't know if it is because the cyst is truly gone or if they just couldn't see it because of how my ovary is positioned. Plus because of my ovary positioning & it being difficult there could be follies hiding that they couldn't see so I'm not sure if 7 mm is truly the biggest follie or if there is one hiding that is bigger or not but because the estradiol level went up (148 on CD 9 to 480 today) there is apparently follicular growth so we take another dose of Follistim tonight & go back tomorrow. Of course, if you remember from the last injectable cycle, day 12 is the day that I ovulated so I'm hoping & praying that history DOESN'T repeat itself & that I DON'T ovulate today, though as I sit here typing this I feel slight twinges in my ovary so only time will tell. Oh & just for reference my estradiol on CD 12 last cycle was 538 but I'm not worried... I'm trusting God.

As I was sitting in the waiting room (before my ultrasound) though I was reading the last few pages of a wonderful book, Esther by Charles Swindoll, & wanted to share part of what I read that really spoke to me there in the waiting room (pgs 195-196):

[Heaven's] where all arguments, suffering, disabilities, handicaps, brokenness, losses, tears, & tragedies will cease. That's where God will reign triumphant, in glory & majesty. That's where Christ will be the light & where we shall see Him as He is. No longer by faith--but by sight. No longer in hope but in absolute reality.

Lord, bring us back to the ancient message Esther portrays for us in her book. It's the same one that Jesus Christ not only declared but modeled. Bring us back to the One who is indeed our victor. Show us the importance of a humble spirit & true character. Give us a sense of satisfaction in being in Your plan, regardless of what that may mean for us on this earth. Give us the faith to trust You, even when You seem removed & distant. Fill us with hope as we anticipate the end that is sure to come. In the meantime, dear Father, make us responsible people who, like Esther, have been placed in our particular circumstances "for such a time as this," that we might carry Your message to a whole world. Give us her kind of courage & strength & dignity. And in that process, Lord, keep us from relying on our own ingenuity & determination. Remind us again & again that in the end, You win! May our hope rest firmly in Your Son Jesus Christ, in whose strong name I pray. Amen.

The bolded part is the part that spoke to me most in that waiting room this morning. I started tearing up & thinking just how far He has carried me through this. I have a supernatural sense of peace this cycle & I can honestly say that if I never have another child, I will be okay, but only in Him. I will be okay ONLY if He is by my side. I LOVE & TRUST Him to my core but look at what I have had to go through to get to this point. Look at what He has had to teach me. As long as I have Jesus, I have the world & don't need anything else, not even my heart's desire... a miracle baby. All I need is Jesus.

Don't misunderstand me though... I want a baby more than I want anything else on this earth. I want him/her so much, I can taste it, so to speak but I don't *need* one... all I truly *need* is Jesus. HE is my rock... my shelter in the storm.

CD 9 update... Endometriosis???

Well, everything looked "on target" according to the nurse for this day in my cycle... My estradiol level was 148 & I have about 5 follies, with the biggest being about 11 mm. Of course they want to see them at 15 mm or more to be mature so we have more growing to do, which is exactly what I pretty much expected to hear today. I am to continue Follistim for 3 more days & return Monday to see how everything looks.

However, comparing today's results with last cycle's results (CD 9 ultrasound & bloodwork update), I'm not sure what what to think really since my last cycle of injectables on CD 9 my estradiol was 310 & my largest follie was ~ 14 mm. Of course my last cycle of injectables was a bust so maybe this is GOOD news!

Okay now of course something wacky has to happen every time I see the dr about infertility & today's appt didn't disappoint (unfortunately) so... I have a cyst of some sort just hanging out with my 5 little follies. She used the term endometrioma b/c it is "grainy looking" & isn't filled with fluid. She said that they'd keep an eye on it & if it goes away, GREAT but if it doesn't then the dr might want to do surgery sometime in the future to check things out. I did specifically ask if this new cyst would affect trying to conceive this cycle & b/c I have 5 growing follies she said it wouldn't; that it is just "hanging out" with the other follies.

She asked if anyone has ever mentioned that I have cysts or anything & of course the first thing that popped in my mind was PCOS but of course no one has ever mentioned that to me other than one dr who mentioned it in passing when she saw that my testosterone was higher than my estrogen & did mention it but it really went no further than that. I have never been diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis & no one has really mentioned it since. Not exactly sure what this means... could I have PCOS and/or endo & just never knew???

I got pregnant right before I was about to have a laproscopy last year so we didn't need to investigate things after all & I have had to have a cyst removed from my ovary almost 10 years ago now but that cyst was a teratoma & as far as I know, not associated with PCOS or endo. I don't really know & I'm not going to spend my time worrying about it. I have an overwhelming sense of peace about this cycle... I've given it to God & we WILL get pregnant in His time. But I did mention to a friend, it will be a MIRACLE if/when we get pregnant. It was a MIRACLE that we even got pregnant last year. My body is so dysfunctional it amazes me that I ever got pregnant to begin with. Of course, God is in the MIRACLE business. Praise the Lord!

2nd injectable cycle, CD 2 ultrasound...

So the RE appt went well... apparently, my ovary likes to hide a lot! She must be shy, kinda like me, huh? But according to the nurse, that's okay... they'd rather not see them than to see a big ole' cyst so she gave me the go ahead to start injections. We start Sunday night & my next RE appt is next Friday at 8:45 am. I am using the pen & catridges this cycle verses the vials I used last cycle since they really seem easier & m0re convenient & cost the same as the vials with my insurance. Praise the Lord for insurance!

And apparently that trip that Mike was going to have to go on at the end of this month that he said might not happen is & isn't going to happen after all. LOL Okay I know that was kinda confusing so... He was going to have to go to KY but that trip did get cancelled, however at the last minute now he is going to AR so while the 1st trip DID get cancelled another popped up & took its place. Wow, God is good... thank you so much, Lord, for working out the timing!

I"m excited to see what this cycle brings & have a REALLY good feeling about this one!

2nd injectable cycle, here we come...

AF showed tonight so I call tomorrow to set up my CD 2 ultrasound (which should be on Friday) & if there are no cysts present we are on to our 2nd injectable cycle. The good thing is that b/c I started a few days early, Mike's possible business trip at the end of this month won't interfere. Of course now he is saying that trip might not happen anyway. Go figure! LOL

Thank you, Lord, for another chance & working out the timing. Please, Lord, let this be it! No matter what though, I praise Your holy name & I'm waiting & believing that we WILL get pg in YOUR time. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

1st injectables cycle RE follow-up appt update

So, nothing new to report, really. Basically he said my cycle was wacky, which we already knew so the plan is to up my dose next cycle (from 150 IUs) to 225 IUs to hopefully as he put it, "give me a better response." I did learn something new actually. If you remember, on CD 12 when my follies had "no significant changes"... well, apparently they were smaller than the previous ultrasound on CD 9 but my Estradiol level, as you remember, had increased so we stimmed 3 more days. Basically as he put it everything still looked pretty good on CD 12 (Friday) but sometime over that weekend my cycle went to crap (okay so he said s***) but I'm paraphrasing here! And he said that sometimes upping the dose will give a better response so that's the plan.

I do have to say that this appt actually went fairly well in that I saw some humility in his composure. He just didn't seem nearly as arrogant as he had in the past. It is soooooooooo hard to adjust to a new dr & to really click with that dr. I have always LOVED my OB but kinda undecided about the RE. I didn't like him or dislike him but it really does take a bit to develop that relationship. I remember it took at least 6 months or more before I started warming up to my OB. Actually, to be honest, I didn't really warm up to him until AFTER the miscarriage. It was that event that I could see the care & concern all over his face & that is when I knew he was a very good & loving dr. And actually this RE & my OB are fishing buddies so I am still giving this RE the benefit of the doubt & see what happens next. Ultimately, I know God is in control & we WILL be successful if it is God's will.

Definitely NOT implantation spotting! =(

So yeah, this is my period, definitely not implantation. There's waaaaaaaaaaay too much blood to be anything OTHER than my period & the fact that I am STILL bleeding. I did call the RE this morning & one of the nurses did say that Follistim can make you start your period slightly early but I still don't think it should have been THIS early. This is ridiculous. Even if we did fertilize an egg it absolutely had NO WAY of implanting. And I'm not sure that the nurse understood that, which is frustrating. She kept saying we had a 9 day luteal phase which I wanted to say um, no... at most it was 7 days (maybe 8 according to THEIR office since if you start your period after 4 pm they count it as the next day) if I Oed Friday the 6th (my chart shows Saturday, the 7th, as ovulation but she & I both think I probably really ovulated on Friday rather than Saturday but still how do you get 9 days from that). Sometimes I think I know more about these things than many dr's or nurses do.

The good news is that I will be talking to the RE himself Wednesday, Sept 1st, at 9:20 am to ask him how & why this happened (which Mike & I both agree that this is really probably the next step anyway considering how screwy this 1st injectable cycle went). I don't get it... Clomid NEVER did this to me & according to everything I can find Clomid and injectables are supposed to help fix luteal phase defects, not create them. I have NEVER had a luteal phase defect (until NOW that is) since I started charting 4 years ago; granted I don't ovulate like I should half the time but I just don't get it.

The bad news is Mike has a business trip at the end of this month which means we will have to wait this cycle out & try again next cycle (hopefully if Mike doesn't have another business trip which he very well might). He has several trips coming up, which all seem to line up with my ovulation so I'm not going to even think/worry about it right now. What does Jesus say about this. Oh, yeah...

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
~ Matthew 6:34

Besides, as the nurse pointed out, 7 times out of 10 people usually have to skip a cycle in between anyway b/c there is a cyst on your ovary & I didn't even get the full 2 wks for any cysts to go away since AF decided to show a week early. I'm still trusting & believing God that we WILL get pregnant though! However, I'm not trying to sugar coat it... it hurts.

Why wasn't this the cycle? Why do I have to wait even longer? Is 4 years not long enough already? When will it be our turn? But it's times like these that I have to cling tightly to scripture & His promises. It's times like these that I have to remember that we walk by faith & not by sight. By sight, it just seems impossible & hopeless but I know that's not true b/c with God, all things are possible. Satan wants me to think it's hopeless but I know it's not.

Here's a quote that I recently read on one of my favorite boards that really just strikes me & gives me some comfort right now:

"Be assured that if God makes you wait longer than you wish, it is only to make the blessing all the more precious."
~ Author Unknown

Implantation Spotting???

Warning: May be

So I'm 7 dpo today & when I just went to the bathroom noticed quite a bit of blood... more than spotting but not enough that it looks like AF showing early (YET). We'll just have to wait & see what tomorrow brings... if it clears up or gets heavier. I'm still excited & am believing this is implantation & not AF showing a WEEK early! Praise the Lord no matter what tomorrow brings!