What IF? (Project IF)

What if I am never able to give my husband a biological child? What if I never get another chance to "get it right"?

As you may already know I am dealing with secondary infertility & already have a 14 year old child from a previous marriage. I got married & pregnant literally right out of high school, back when I was young & immature & lets not forget, stupid! I was so naive & took so many things for granted. I didn't raise Austin like I should have; I didn't teach him about Jesus or very little about Jesus anyway. I didn't even really know Jesus myself back then so how could I have taught a child about Him. My parents pretty much raised Austin while I went to college to get a degree so I missed or worse yet, don't remember most of his "firsts"... his first steps, his first word, his first tooth. I have felt so much guilt for being such a bad parent to him. Well, I wasn't baaaaaaaad but I certainly wasn't a good parent, either. I was, like I said earlier, young, naive & immature.

I sooooooooooo want a do-over. I want to do it right this time around; I'm just sorry I wasn't there for Austin through the years like I should have been. I've really turned my life around in the past few years though (better late than never ) & am living for Jesus Christ daily now. My priorities have changed tremendously; I quit my job early last year so I can stay at home with the baby when I am so blessed as well as to homeschool Austin & our future bean(s). I want to be involved this time. I want to be a better parent. I want to be there for that child but will I get that chance?

Will I ever be able to give Mike a biological child to cuddle? Mike has no biological children (except the one in heaven who was lost last year due to a miscarriage) & actually I am his first (& hopefully only ) marriage. Mike did it right from the beginning & guess who's reproductive system is broken? Mine! Why was it so easy when I wasn't even trying but now that I am trying & want to do it "right" is it so hard to conceive? I know that Jesus has a plan & it's a perfect plan, a plan to prosper us, not to harm us so I am waiting & believing! I know I will be a mother to another wonderful miracle & this time I am going to cherish every moment, knowing this child is a gift from God.

What if I am blessed beyond belief for my faith & obedience to God through this journey? What if I get pregnant with twins (yes I secretly fantasize about having twins but that's another story )?

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is next week, April 24th - May 1st. You can get more info here... http://www.resolve.org/takecharge. And info on infertility in general here... http://www.resolve.org/infertility101.

First baby shower post miscarriage!

And it went AMAZINGLY. I was a little nervous about how I'd do emotionally but I never had one sad thought... not one; Praise the Lord! It went so very well. This is definitely the Lord's work & strength, not mine.

Can I show off the present I made for her???

I had so much fun making it & it really turned out GREAT! I had so much fun, in fact, that I thought about maybe starting a home business making them. I wonder if anyone would buy them?

Here's one I made for my sister a few years ago...

By the way, if you're wondering, the scripture at the top is Psalm 127:3, "Behold children are a heritage from the LORD. The fruit of the womb is His reward." I just love both of them!

Answered Prayer!!! =)

So as I was working at the church, helping prepare for a huge ministry outreach over the weekend, I started talking to someone (another church member) about various things, one being my infertility. Well, come to find out she did IVF & has a lot of leftover injectables (Follistim) which, if you remember, is EXACTLY what the RE wanted to put me on (First RE Appointment) but of course we're still in the middle of our 6 month medical assistance break until July. Anyway, she said that she would give it to me for FREE! Thousands of dollars, I'm sure, worth of meds for free! I am so very grateful. This is an answered prayer. I've been waffling between the injecatbles & yet another round of Clomid b/c of the price & was leaning toward the Clomid for at least one or two more cycles & have been praying for guidance. Well, I think this is pretty clear... injectables, especially since He is providing them for me.

By the way, the 6 month break is going GREAT! It has really relieved a lot of stress & I am probably enjoying a bit too much. I NEVER want to get as obsessed as I have been again. And I can't believe I'm OVER half way through the break (about 2.5 more months to go); the months have literally been flying by!

The Lord is truly sufficient & provides ALL our needs! Thank you so much Lord! I love you & depend on You every day of my life!

Your faithful servant,

Have you heard???

RESOLVE is getting the word out about infertility through their "What IF" campaign. Check it out, Bloggers Unite: Project IF. The first part of the campaign lasts till Friday, the 16th, if you want to add your "What if" question! I know I'm posting a little late but I've been crazy busy lately!

My what if??? What if I misunderstood God when I believe I heard Him tell me we WOULD have a baby? What if I never get pregnant? You can read more about my fear (which I refuse to give in to, by the way) in a post I made just a few weeks ago, Hannah's Friends (check out the bottom of the post). Though I do have a HUGE praise to share regarding this (Answered Prayer).

While blog-hopping I also ran across this amazing organization for those of us going through infertility... Fertility Socks! What a wonderful, cute, sweet idea! Definitely worth checking out.

Also be sure to check out Nat Geo, tomorrow the 13th, if you can for the program, "Sizing Up Sperm." I've heard it's VERY informative! I haven't seen it yet but I plan on watching/recording it tomorrow!

Things not to say to those who are suffering through infertility...

Here's a list of comments that infertile couples hate to hear. I compiled this list from my own experience, other infertility survivor's experiences, When the Cradle is Empty by John & Sylvia Regenmorter, & The Infertility Companion by Glahn & Cutrer.

• "Just Relax! You're trying too hard." or "You're thinking about it too much." Okay, this one is my all time pet peeve. Relaxing is not going to help a bona-fide medical condition. Let's all go tell the person who just got diagnosed with cancer to "Just relax!" I'm probably comparing "apples to oranges" as my husband likes to say but this one makes me want to scream so please don't tell me to relax! If you don't want to take my word for it, here's what The Infertility Companion has to say about the subject, "About 80-85% of the time, doctors find a diagnosable medical cause, for which no amount of relaxation will help. And in cases of unexplained infertility, often the problem is due to a factor such as chromosomal abnormalities that are impossible to discover through a routine workup. (In other words, ... A diagnosis of unexplained infertilty may mean that there is no method yet developed for diagnosing the problem.)" (pg 27)
• Referring to secondary infertility, "You've already experienced the miracle of childbirth once." or "Think of all the people who don't have any kids." So b/c I have experienced it once, 14 years ago, in my previous marriage, & at a time where I took everything for granted means it is wrong for me to long for another child; a child who is biologically part of me & my husband together, a child who will be my husband's first biological child. I do want it for myself (I have finally turned my life around, given my life to Jesus Christ, & want to do it right this time - I want to teach my baby all about Jesus from the time of birth, which is something I never did with Austin, though I praise the Lord every day for him) but I also want it for my husband (Mike has never seen a gender ultrasound, never experienced the miracle of childbirth or feeling the baby kick, he has never taken care of a newborn or watched him/her grow - he became an instant dad to an 8 year old & trust me, it was a rough start).
• "At least you can have fun trying! (Wink, wink!)" Timed intercourse, month after month, for possibly years on end is NOT fun; it is very stressful! According to The Infertility Companion, "In a study of more than 2,000 Christian women, 'lengthy infertility treatment' was listed as one of the four key causes of sexual aversion. (The other three were childhood sex abuse, rape, & painful labor & delivery.)" (pg 26) Sound fun to you?
  
• "Maybe you're just not meant to have children." or "You're being too sensitive." or "It might never be in God's plan for you to have a baby." This one is my husband's favorite. True, we may NEVER have a baby but saying this just hurts; it doesn't help us feel better, it just HURTS.
  
• "Adopt, then you'll get pregnant." We all know *someone* who got pregnant after adopting but have you ever stopped to consider that maybe the Lord wanted that family to adopt (& thus allowed infertility in their lives b/c otherwise they would never have even considered adoption) & once they took that step of obedience He, then, opened her womb, allowing them to finally get pregnant? Actually, "it has been estimated that between 5 & 14% of couples who quit treatment & pursue adoption eventually go on to conceive. That's about the same percentage as for couples who quit treatment, choose not to adopt, & subsequently conceive." (The Infertility Companion, pg 28-29)
• "You can always adopt." It's not always that easy & it is expensive. There are so many rules & regulations when it comes to adoption & often adoptive parents feel like they are put under a microscope & even question, "Would a birth mother even choose us to parent their child?" There are forms to fill out (with questions that are VERY in-depth, just check out a friend's blog for some of the questions she has had to answer through her adoption process, Taking things one step at a time: The easy part is done...), background checks to complete, physicals to be performed, & home studies to be done. (What is a home study? Well, that's where a social worker comes into your home & interviews you, while determining if your home meets the minimum requirements to provide a good environment for a child. Talk about pressure!)
  
• "It'll happen when it is meant to happen." or "God will bring you a baby when you are ready for it." or "Just give it some time. It'll happen!" or "Think more positively, it'll happen."
• "Shouldn't you just pray about it harder? I really think if you just prayed and really believed, God will answer." Being a Christian myself, this one just irritates me. I haven't heard this one personally but I know several other ladies who have so it seems to be a common comment unfortunately. So what you are saying is that the person is not praying hard enough OR that God is cruel & just doesn't care; both are WRONG.
• "If you are having trouble getting pregnant, why don't you just do IVF like Jon and Kate?" IVF doesn't always work plus like adoption, it's expensive, but not only that, IVF is a serious medical procedure & not something to be taken lightly. I have never had to cross the IVF bridge & hope that I don't but a recent friend has. You can check out her blog for a little more insight into the seriousness of IVF, Bringing Home Baby: Resting.
• "I can understand why you'd want to have a baby with your husband, but it's not the end of the world if you don't."
  
• Referring to miscarriage, "It was probably for the best." or "There must have been something wrong with your baby if you miscarried." or "At least you know you can get pregnant."

In most, if not all, of the comments above, "the would-be encourager totally invalidates the grief that runs through the very core of the infertile person." (The Infertility Companion, pg 30) The Bible even tells us that the barren womb is never satisfied. It is natural for the childless couple to want children. (Proverbs 30:15-16)

For those of you that know someone who is suffering through infertility:
What can you say? How can you help? You really don't have to say anything at all. Just be there for that person. Be understanding & sympathetic (even though you may not fully understand her emotions). Honestly, the best thing you can do is listen & be a shoulder to cry on. Oh & here's an AWESOME video that everyone who knows someone with infertility should watch... http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

And for my infertility brothers & sisters:
We are going to encounter those who just don't know what to say so they misguidedly say the wrong thing. Forgive them. Let it roll off your back & when it hurts the most, turn to the Lord. He is the only one who can ease the pain. And please don't ever think (unless the Lord has specifically told you otherwise) that your infertility is due to your past or present sin & that you are now being punished or that your infertility is a curse.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
John 9:2-3

My Bracelet!!!

I finally bought the #814 embroidery thread! (Infertility's Common Thread)

But as you can see my right arm is getting kinda busy, huh???

The blue thread is my "Believing God" bracelet from Beth Moore's Believing God Bible study. This is the 1st Bible study that I have ever done & it was actually given to me as a gift. I honestly believe it was a *God-thing* because I really needed it when I got it & it was free & very unexpected. I didn't know which way to turn or understand but this study answered all those questions & really gave me roots or a foundation to build upon. He provides for us when we need it & this bracelet is my way of remembering that & His faithfulness.

The charm bracelet is my memorial bracelet for my precious angel baby. As you know I was blissfully pregnant last year (actually next cycle, a year ago, is when I finally got pregnant after 3 years of infertility) for 11 full weeks when I had a miscarriage (My Miscarriage Story, Remembering My Sweet Angel). Anyway, this bracelet is one way I remember my sweet angel & I carry her around with me where ever I go.

There is actually a necklace that I want but it's a bit pricey... maybe one day!

http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html

I almost bought an awareness ribbon to put on my infertility bracelet but with the charm bracelet I thought I wouldn't just yet but if I ever buy the necklace, I just may!

I mentioned that the bracelet is one way I remember my angel. Well, I also have her pic on my mantel with my other family pics & just like I hug my 14 year old son every night before bed; I kiss baby's picture every night & tell her "Night, night." Both of these things (the pic on my mantel & the charm bracelet) just help me feel like she is with me every day & it also helps me to go on with my life because I can tell you, I can't imagine life without her. I am the mother of 2, one here on earth & the other in heaven.

Wow, this has been an emotional post for me today but emotional in a good way... I'd much rather shed a few tears & grieve over my lost child than to not have any feelings for her at all. I LOVE remembering her & talking about her, though a few tears may be shed. Thanks so much for listening to me pour my heart out.

Hannah's Friends

Wow! God is GOOD!!! He has opened so many doors for me & I am so very grateful that such a BIG God notices little me. A friend is moving & stepping down as the leader of a local infertility support group, Hannah's Friends. Well, after prompting from the Lord, I stepped up to fill her shoes within the group. I KNOW this is where the Lord wants me... He has confirmed it for me several times since.

Anyway, we (the support group) met last night & I finally got to meet A in person! She led the group last night & was GREAT I might add! After last night, I kinda feel like Joshua stepping up into Moses' shoes. Seriously though, I know that with the Lord guiding me, I will do fine! A led us in a devotional about fear that was so awesome I had to share!

Fear Not
Learning to fear less in a fearful world
by Jennifer Wennekamp

Our world offers us so many opportunities to fear, but there can be no mistaking that God does not intend for us to live a life full of fear. God’s word is filled with promises that we can overcome any fear and that we do not need to let it affect us. I pray that as we begin this journey of studying God’s word on fear that we can grow in faith, confidence, and peace. I pray that these devotionals will be a blessing to you as they are to me as I prepare them.

Scripture Reading: 2 Timothy 1:6-14, Ephesians 3:14-21

Key Scripture: 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

This verse tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear! What an awesome promise. We can know then, that if we have fear- it is not what God wants for us. He did not give it to us. We could just stop there and think well I feel fear, but I know it isn’t from God and try to go on, but then we wouldn’t really get the victory over that fear. We have to realize that God didn’t give us a spirit of fear- but He did give us a different spirit. He gave us His Spirit. In 2 Timothy 1:14 (AMP) He tells us to guard and to keep- with the greatest care, the precious and excellently adapted Truth, which has been entrusted to you, by the help of the Holy Spirit who makes His home in you! In Ephesians 3:16 it says- don’t you know that you are the temple (the place that God put his presence in the Old Testament) of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you. Can you believe it? Can you even fathom it? God’s Spirit lives in and abides in you. Not just out there somewhere, but right inside you! Everywhere you go, and in everything you do- God’s Spirit is with you.

Since God’s Spirit is in us, God says we do not have to be afraid. The Spirit that He has given us is not cowardly or timid, is not lacking in love, and is not confused and unstable. It is a Spirit of power, love and a sound mind. No matter what we are going through, or how weak our human spirit feels- we have power already on the inside of us. When we feel like we can not put up with another person or when we don’t like anyone- much less love them, we have love on the inside of us. When we feel life is too much, that there are too many decisions to be made and we feel like we are losing our minds, we must remember we have a sound mind right on the inside of us!

We don’t have to be afraid because God has given us His Spirit to combat anything that would make us afraid. We may not always feel like His Spirit is there doing His job, but that isn’t because of anything God has or hasn’t done. We have to nurture and grow in Christ so we can recognize and receive that gift in our lives. We can’t live our lives always being carnally minded and expect to fully and completely receive that gift. In 1 Corinthians 3:1-3, Paul tells the Corinthians that even though they are saved Paul could still only give them the milk of the word-the basic elementary things and could not give them the meat- the deeper and even more useful things of God because they were still carnally minded. They were still following after the flesh rather than following after the spirit.

If we want to allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in our lives as effectively as He can we must start to seek after spiritual things. We must take time to read and study the word, to pray and praise and have fellowship with our Father. When we do these things we are stirring up the gift that God has given to us as Paul instructed Timothy to do in 2 Timothy 1:6. It says as we stir up the gift the fear will decrease and we will see that power, love, and sound mind increase in our day to day life.

So begin to stir up the gift that God has given you to help you conquer any fear that is trying to have a hold in your life.

Prayer/Confession: Father, I thank You that I do not have to be afraid. I thank You that your spirit lives in me and that You have given power, love, and a sound mind. As I stir up the gift You have given me by spending time with You I believe that I will overcome the fear that may try and overtake me. Thank you Father that You are a giver of good gifts, that You love me, watch over, and make me whole. Amen

(http://narrowroadtravels.com/fearnotpt1.aspx)

So we talked about our fears at last night's meeting...

What do I/have I feared? A big fear in the past has been that I'm not a good parent & that's why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. Currently, it is that I won't get pregnant at all (not b/c I'm not a good parent or anything though). I really believe (through prayer & my relationship with Jesus) that He has promised me that I will have another child. But the fear that maybe I misunderstood Him has crossed my mind. Maybe He just couldn't tell me that I'm NOT going to have a baby yet b/c I haven't been ready to hear the truth or maybe I just refused to hear it? Maybe He's just letting me think this temporarily until I'm ready to hear/in the place where He can tell me that no, I'm not going to have a baby after all?

I'm not letting Satan win this battle. Right now I believe He is telling me that yes, I'll have a baby & until He tells me otherwise I'm clinging to that; I'm clinging to Him. Like I have heard a fellow church member say, "Believe that God is going to do it for you & if He does, GREAT, but if He doesn't, just say, 'That's okay, Lord. I know that whatever Your plan for me is better anyway.'" I'm walking by faith & not by sight!

Praise You Jesus! Praise You that I have the power to overcome any/all my fears within me! Praise You for giving me a spirit of power, love, & a sound mind! Praise You for loving me & for dying on the cross for me!