CD 12 update

Warning: This is probably my longest post ever!

So yesterday's appt... no significant changes! What?! Yep, my follies were about the same size as previously (~ 1 cm is exactly what she said & last time if you remember they were ~ 1.4 cm or 14 mm). She did say though that my uterine lining looks excellent for implantation! Woo-hoo! So my instructions are to continue 3 more days with 150 IUs of Follistim & follow up with an appt on Monday at 8:45 am. I don't know the exact Estradiol level since they called & left a message while I was in the mandatory homeschooling meeting that I had to go to yesterday so I plan to ask about it Monday when I go for my appt. Oh & Monday is going to be another long day for me, like yesterday. I have the RE appt at 8:45 am & an appt with my thyroid dr at 2 pm. Geez, I might just need to move into my dr's office or something. I sure do wish I lived closer though.

Oh & I think I *may* have ovulated yesterday. I don't know & at this point I just about don't care. I've given it to God & He's in control. I refuse to stress about it. Yesterday at about 3 pm I felt what in every other past cycle has been ovulation pains. They are dull achy pains in or around my ovary that usually last hours & this is exactly what happened (it lasted all night & into this morning). Only time will tell... I assume they can tell me Monday when I go back for monitoring again. Of course I do have a friend who goes to the same dr as I do & is doing the same treatment & she said that this kind of pain is normal & that I shouldn't be concerned so I'm just waiting till Monday & we'll see, I suppose. (By the way, if you wanna check out my chart this cycle, you can HERE.)

I did leave the appt yesterday in a much better mood than I left with Tuesday actually. I actually left kinda chuckling in my head. If you only knew EVERYTHING I have been through this week... I don't think anyone would blame me for just wanting to crawl in a hole & crying but I do not feel that way at all. It is actually kinda comical & I can't help but laugh at all of it.

So Tuesday's appt:

• it took an hour to get back there to get my ultrasound done & when I did get back there I just felt like the nurse didn't talk/explain much of anything... I had to ask specifically what was going on or she wasn't going to tell me (all she had started to say was "Everything looks pretty good" & she was going to leave it at that adding that they'd call me to tell me what the dr said). I specifically asked how my follies looked... she wasn't going to volunteer any information though she did mention my uterine lining looked good. I even laid on the table wondering if she could even find my ovary & was kinda panicking thinking something must be wrong if she isn't mentioning them.
• oh & when I finally got back there she put me in a room, with absolutely NO INSTRUCTIONS. Then she came back & said, "Oh you don't have your bottoms off yet" & I was like, no... you haven't told me what to do & so I didn't know exactly what we were doing or what was going to happen (since this is my first injectable cycle so I'm still learning the process )
• okay so then I go to leave & cars are parked so close to my car (on EVERY side) that I actually thought I might not be able to get out of the parking spot. It took some real doing to wriggle myself out of that tight fit.
• I also had to order MORE Follistim which of course costs more money (which if they would have just ordered extra with my 1st order it would have been cheaper for me with my insurance coverage... I pay the same amount/deductible regardless if I order 1 vial or 10 so really they should have just ordered more than enough with the 1st order but I'm actually going to give them the benefit of the doubt here... they didn't necessarily know that so they may have thought they were saving me money by not ordering meds I may not need).
• Okay but I'm not giving them the benefit of the doubt here... the pharmacy called & the nurse apparently called my prescription in to a DIFFERENT pharmacy which does not have free shipping so I'm paying $13 extra for shipping. So the 2nd order of Follistim actually costs MORE than the 1st order of Follistim + Trigger. Why didn't she just call it in to the same pharmacy that they used the 1st time?! Actually I had a different nurse so I'm sure that's why. The 1st nurse talked to me about the best & cheapest pharmacy to use while the other nurse just seems like she doesn't care since she's not paying for it. Oh & I realize that I pay A LOT less than a lot of people pay. I am VERY blessed & appreciative that I am fortunate enough to have Fertility coverage but my issue is with the nurse that just doesn't seem to care.
• And then the pharmacy called me back to tell me my FSA isn't covering the cost of the 2nd script of Follistim. WHAT?! So yeah, I had to use my personal credit card which of course is Mike's money. I stay at home so I just feel guilty about that & was really grateful for the FSA.
• Not to mention that my next appt was Friday (yesterday), on the same day that I have/had a MANDATORY homeschooling meeting. So I was hoping & praying that I could get out of the appt in time to get back home so I can carry Austin to the meeting, which I did get to do it all though I was gone from 7:15 am till 4:30 pm
  

So now, yesterday's appt:

• We need to order yet MORE Follistim & of course the other 2 places it was ordered from were out of state & they had to overnight the meds to me so of course I kinda asked how we would get the meds since I was completely out & they said, oh you can just get them from the pharmacy located right behind the RE's office (so this is my 3rd pharmacy now). What?! Ummm, why couldn't I get my last prescription there & save $13 in shipping. I will say that at this point I had a heart to heart with the nurse & said to PLEASE order me more than enough since I pay the same price if I order 1 vial or 10. Well, praise the Lord, she ordered me 10 vials! I think I have enough (or mostly enough) for another cycle if I need it. LOL Which of course I won't since this cycle is going to work!
• Not to mention when I told her I had NO meds left she asked about the prescription she called in. Well, apparently the pharmacy messed up... the prescription she sent in was for two 150 IU vials & they sent two 75 IU vials.
  

So by the time I left yesterday's appt I just had to laugh at all the stuff that has been going on. I really think it is Satan attacking... it just seems toooooooo much for it to be coincidence, ya know.

I have 2 wonderful, wonderful Christ-loving friends (C & K) that really picked me up after Tuesday's appt though & I think that may have had a lot to do (note Ecclesiastes 4:12, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken") with my actually really good mood yesterday despite my follies not responding after an additional 3 days of meds. C, I think, really hit the nail on the head. She said that this is my wilderness & that my promised land is just right around the corner. The next morning I did a free-form Bible study (The Story of Moses, Lessons From the Story of Moses, Turn Your Desert Into a Productive Spiritual Retreat) & it all came together. THIS IS MY WILDERNESS, my time of relying on the Lord. I'm about to enter my promised land (having a baby) so I've got to rely on God... He will conquer my enemies & we will inhabit the land... soon!

CD 9 ultrasound & bloodwork update

So everything looked pretty good this morning according to the nurse... my ovary & uterus lining are responding as they should thus far. My estradiol level came back 310 & I have 1 follicle that is 14 mm (& several other smaller ones) though they like to them them closer to 16 mm so we still have some growing to do. So I am to continue 150 IUs of Follistim for 3 more days & go back Friday at 8:45 am to see how things are looking & hopefully to get the go ahead to trigger.

No side effects at all except one... tons & tons of EWCM & abnormally early in my cycle (I usually start seeing it around day 12 or 13 but this cycle I started seeing it around day 8 or 9). I hope this is a good sign!

I'm not sure why but this morning, leaving the dr's office, I just felt kinda down in the dumps... maybe it was b/c it took an hour to get back to get my ultrasound done & then when I did get back there I just felt like the nurse didn't talk/explain much of anything... I had to ask specifically what was going on or she wasn't going to tell me (all she had started to say was "Everything looks pretty good" & she was going to leave it at that adding that they'd call me to tell me what the dr said), maybe it is just the emotional toll of trying to conceive with medical assistance, maybe it's b/c I'm going to have to order MORE Follistim which of course costs more money (which if they would have just ordered extra with my last order it would have been cheaper for me with my insurance coverage), maybe it's that I have a mandatory homeschooling meeting Friday that now we are going to have to figure out (I'm hoping that my appt won't last as long & I can get out in time to get Austin there or else Mike is just going to have to carry him). Why do I let these feelings invade the way they do? Maybe it is Satan attacking my faith. No matter what though I will praise Him through the storm. This song says it all...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
~ Romans 8:28

Lord, please carry me through this - I need you now more than ever. I can't do this in my own strength; I'm tired & weary. I'm putting it all in your hands & trusting you, no matter what. I love you & praise your holy name!

My first injection & other (sad) news!

Tuesday's appt went well. Everything looked good & there were no cysts in sight so we were given the go ahead to start injections. We also ordered the remainder of my meds & my other supplies Tuesday & they were delivered yesterday. Wow, just wow!

Praise the Lord that my meds are affordable! That has probably been my biggest fear when I was first referred to the RE but the Lord has worked it out & our insurance is paying for A LOT of it. Don't get me wrong, without this insurance, it would most definitely cost an arm & a leg but praise the Lord for providing.

So my first injection was tonight & it actually went really well. It didn't hurt or even sting at all! Woo-hoo! Oh & I did my own shot, thank you very much! I'm pretty proud of myself. I didn't hem haw around, much. I did pause a minute & had to tell myself that I'm a big girl & CAN do this!

The hardest part was definitely just trying to figure out how many mL to draw up into the syringe to give me the 150 IUs I needed but we figured it out! I'm definately going to go with the pen & catridges next time if there is a next time, which there won't be, by the way. I'm believing that this once will be all I need! Anyway, with the pen, all I have to do is dial up the IUs I need & inject... it's THAT easy. The only reason we're doing vials is b/c if you remember, I got free Follistim (Answered Prayer), which happen to be vials.

The supplies...

Our next monitoring appt is next Tuesday at 9:30 am, after 5 days of meds. We'll be doing another ultrasound to check my follies to see how I'm responding to the Follistim.

And now for the sad news...

Mike's puppy (well, actually really really old dog, Gina, who was ~ 15 years old) died overnight Monday night. Not sure of what but she was obviously not feeling well Monday night & when we checked on her Tuesday morning, she was gone! We're going to miss her. She was a wonderful, sweet, beautiful dog & good friend. She was literally Mike's baby... they were both very attached to each other... it was really sweet & priceless. We love you, G, & will miss you always! ♥

Here we go...

Well, AF showed last night so I called the RE this morning to get my first injectable cycle underway. My 1st appt is tomorrow at 10:30 am to do some bloodwork & an ultrasound.

For anyone who does not know what an injectable cycle is like, here is a summary of my "instructions" from the RE:

1. Call to schedule a baseline ultrasound, which will be performed on cycle day 2, 3, or 4 to determine if there are ovarian cysts prior to starting injections.
2. If the ultrasound is normal, begin injections on day 4 & continue several days before being monitored again.
   
3. For the next monitoring appt (usually around day 9), I get to have another ultrasound performed & a blood test (estradiol level). Dosage may be adjusted depending on my response to the meds.
4. Hopefully (unless something unforseen happens), continue injections & return to the RE for monitoring over the next 1-3 days until my follicles are mature & ready for ovulation.
5. When my follies are mature, I get to take my final injection of HCG (aka my trigger shot).
6. No IUI so we get to skip this instruction on my instruction sheet.
7. No strenuous activity. I am allowed to take Tylenol but avoid medications such as Anaprox (never heard of this one LOL), Advil, or Motrin.
8. 2 weeks after the HCG shot I can take a pg test if AF is a no show!

I kinda wish AF wouldn't have showed b/c I definitely would rather not do injectables but I am excited to see what this cycle holds. I know the Lord is with me & I can't wait to see how He answers my prayers. No matter what, I'm trusting Him.

I've been so emotional lately...

and not to mention, crying a lot and I'm not even on any kind of medication YET!

So this morning in our small group Bible study class (my Life group as our church calls them), our study leader asked if Mike & I minded if the group prayed over us, which of course, we said of course we don't mind. It was so sweet & so unexpected & what is most ironic is I remember talking to Mike back in Dec/Jan about possibly asking the Life group to do this but I NEVER actually mentioned it to our group. I have asked for their prayers but never asked them to pray over us like that. Our leader just felt led to do it today. Needless to say, I shed a few tears. It just really touched my heart & was so incredibly sweet & unexpected. I know the Lord is in this & I'm trusting Him. I know He has a plan... no matter the outcome. Praise You Lord; praise Your Holy Name!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
~ Proverbs 3:5-6

So if that weren't bad enough I teared up a bit during several worship songs (In Your Presence, Still) this morning as well. It's funny but just knowing that I am about to TTC again next cycle, I am just so much more emotional lately. I'm going to hate to see my emotions next cycle when I'm actually taking the medication!

I would also like to share some scriptures that, just in the past week, have been meaningful to me:

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
~ Philippians 4:19

He will supply the finances we need to have this baby. He has already supplied much of the medication needed. (From the devotional, How Bid Is God?)

Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.
~ Micah 7:7

This verse describes this entire 6 month break for me. He HAS heard me & look at everything He has already provided. Thank you Lord. (From the devotional, God's Provisions)

I am so very blessed!

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I was blog surfing last night & ran across this poem & I must admit, it touched me to the core. So much so that I was in tears...

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "you can always adopt," or "things happen for a reason", or the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me!

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life? It's hard to understand that people can't see infertility for what it is -- a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get back up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility for anyone, I can't deny that a more fertile woman could ever know the joy that awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know..."

~ Anonymous

RE appt update

The appt went really well. Actually I could be doing injectibles RIGHT NOW (which I honestly was not expecting) if it weren't for a procedure that I had done yesterday!

Actually I haven't mentioned it on here but... due to a family history of colon cancer (my mom & her father (my grandfather)) my new family dr REALLY wanted me to do a colonoscopy before getting pregnant so I thought this week (Friday) would be perfect timing. Well, it came back mostly clear... they did find a small polyp which they removed & sent to the lab to determine if it would have turned into colon cancer or not. I should know something in about 2 weeks. Regardless though, it's better that I remove it now before it possibly turns into cancer than to wait a few years, after I have a baby, when it has possibly already turned into cancer.

So back to trying to conceive & the RE appt... right now it is a "go" for next cycle (of course there is a possible business trip in August that Mike might have to go on (we're still not sure yet) that can push our first injectible cycle back some ). I could be pregnant in less than a month!

I just know this is gonna work. It has too... if it doesn't this journey might be quickly coming to an end. We can't afford to do many injectible cycles... I don't think. But the one thing I can say is that the Lord is faithful... I got pregnant last year despite all this, He's given me free Follistim, He's given me little encouraging gifts & acts of faithfulness along the way (some I have mentioned on here (my nightgown, R&R in Fort Walton) & some I haven't (providing financially when we need it most)).

Please pray that this works... specifically that I get pregnant on my first round of injectibles. Last year, when I got pregnant with Clomid our church prayed for us THAT cycle & we got pregnant THAT cycle. And Clomid has not worked since, even at a higher dose (What I Believe He is Teaching Me Right Now). I honestly believe that the prayers did it. So please pray... I need all the prayers I can get.