Reflections

Something really struck me that our pastor said this morning at church:

You have to be willing to suffer for the sake of the kingdom like Jesus did.

It was part of a sermon about how Jesus died to give us an abundant life.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done.
~ Matthew 16:24-27

Infertility is my suffering for the kingdom's sake & I can honestly say that I see "kingdom work" all around me in my land of infertility & loss. There has been so much good to come out of my infertility & yes, even miscarriage, that it is unimaginable almost. I have met, reached out, & comforted so many who are on this road with me & I hope they see/saw Jesus through me. If this is my road to become like Jesus then, Lord, I will gladly bear this cross that you have made for me. All I ask is that You give me the strength to bear it because without your strength the burden is too heavy to bear alone but I know with You, all things are possible.

Jesus overcame the world when He died on the cross for us. He overcame death & sickness & even disease such as infertility. The Lord IS sufficient although Satan wants us to think otherwise, Satan wants us to get so depressed & in despair over our brokenness, over not being able to have a baby, that he (Satan) wins by ruining our joy in Jesus.

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
~ James 1:16-17

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
~ John 10:10

What about you? Do you believe Jesus? Do you believe He overcame the world? Are you willing to suffer for the kingdom's sake? Are you letting Satan destroy your joy? As for me, I'm willing to follow Jesus despite the cost & I refuse to let Satan win. I hope you do too.

Much love,

Prediction...

So Austin said the other day that this will be our cycle! I, of course, asked him how he knew & he said God told him it was. Oh I hope it is!

By my best guess though, I really think I ovulated early Wednesday (Sept 22nd) morning (I had what could have been very mild ovulation pains). Of course this is only a few hours after taking my trigger shot so I really have no idea. I think you are supposed to ovulate 36-48 hours after trigger but because of my declining estradiol level Tuesday morning maybe I started ovulating on my own yet again. Now I wish I would have taken my basal temps this cycle so I'd have a better idea of exactly when I ovulated but honestly, I got lazy. All these tests, procedures, charts, & such month after month after month after month are just sooooooooooooo draining & you get tired of it. I'm tired of taking my temp at 4 am every morning, disrupting my sleep. I'm tired of the tests & procedures & "trying" so hard because we've got so much money invested into this so I was lazy this cycle & didn't take my temps.

Although, doing a Google search, I did find some interesting info which may explain some of what is going on with me:

Case: 34 year old G1 P1 undergoing a cycle of controlled ovarian hyperstimulation with intrauterine insemination (COH/IUI) has 8 ovarian follicles measuring about 14-15 mm in diameter (with several smaller follicles), good interval (daily) growth of follicles, and a drop in estradiol concentration from 1025 pg/mL to 800 pg/mL in the past day (without a change in the dose of FSH containing medication).

Question: What is the significance of this drop in estradiol concentration and what should be recommended at this time?

Answer: The estradiol concentration usually continues to rise (without decreasing) throughout most of ovarian follicular maturation and then will drop sharply immediately (about one day) prior to ovulation. This woman's drop in estradiol concentration most likely signals the onset of the LH surge and impending ovulation. One exception would be if the dosage of FSH containing medication was recently decreased, in which case the estradiol concentration often decreases due to lower production by the smaller follicles (the larger follicles continue to grow and produce estradiol).

If ovulation was triggered by the woman's own LH surge this cannot be "reversed" or prevented. Therefore, I generally complete ovulation with the hCG (profasi) injection and plan an intrauterine insemination if there are follicles greater than 12-14mm diameter (size at which mature eggs commonly exist).

http://www.thenewjerseyovulationcenter.com/normal_events_cases.php

Hmmmmmm... I have always ovulated in a sense on my own so is this really that surprising? Yeah, technically I'm anovulatory (i.e. the absence of ovulation) but I have regular 26-28 day cycles, normal luteal length of about 12 days, I've always gotten + OPKs, killer ovualation pains each month, & a thermal temp shift every cycle I have temped. The only reason we know I have ovulation problems is my progesterone is never high enough, indicating ovulation, when we test it after having supposedly ovulated; thus indicating ovulatory dysfunction. And that brings us to one of my favorite books, Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, which states, when referring to "Luteal Phase Problems," pgs 178-179:

There are basically 3 different types of problems that can occur, all of which are usually a reflection of a dysfunctional ovulatory problem:

1. ...
2. The luteal phase appears to be a normal length, but the amount of progesterone is not optimal to produce an ideal uterine environment for implantation.
3. ...

So, am I ovulating or not? I'm honestly not real sure what all of this means exactly but I just found it interesting & am kinda "thinking out loud," I suppose. TCOYF also does mention getting prolactin checked as a possible cause of luteal phase defects.

All I know, & have said before, is that it will be an absolute miracle if, no when, we get pregnant. So I just have to end this post on a positive note... if our miracle bean does join our family this cycle, my due date should be on or around June 15th (God-willing)!

CD 13 update... Triggering tonight!!!

Sooooooooo... my ultrasound this morning went AMAZING!!! I have 7 follies & 1 is mature at 18 mm. Go me!!! No, scratch that... Go God!!! He is the ONLY reason this cycle is working at all. He may be using injectables to achieve a pregnancy (like He used Clomid last cycle) but there is no doubt in my mind that it is solely Him at work here & not medicine. Without His will this cycle would fail just like every other medicated cycle that has failed (all of them except 1, that is). The glory belongs to Him & Him alone! Praise the Lord. I am so excited. This just might be THE cycle.

My estradiol level went down (from 480 yesterday to 379 today) which is probably not the greatest news but I'm still excited that we got the go ahead to trigger.

If this isn't the cycle his nurse told me that he wants to see me BEFORE starting a new cycle so my next appt is set for Oct 7th at 9 am. Uh-oh, I'm in trouble! My body is apparently just not very cooperative or something & he is probably going to want to discuss other options or surgery or something, I don't really know but that's my guess. Lord, please let this work!

I listened & sang along (loudly) to one of my favorite songs that our choir sings, Mountain Mover (if you listen to the demo though I just wanted to add that our choir sounds so much better than the demo... we have an AWESOME choir ), this morning & yesterday morning right before my appointment & again after my appointment this morning. I'm believing that God is going to move this mountain & we WILL get pregnant.

Let me share a few of the lyrics that just really speak to me from that song...

My God is a mountain mover.
My God's gonna make a way.
Can't count all the times He's proven we can trust Him; just have faith.
Take a hopeless situation, watch Him turn it all around.
Nothing is impossible; I can't hold back, I've gotta shout!
My God, my God, my God is a mountain mover!

I just LOVE singing this song!!!

CD 12 update

Sooooooooo... My estradiol level is 480, uterine lining is AWESOME, & I had about 6 follies that they saw, with the biggest at about 7 mm. And she didn't see any cysts/endometrioma this time! Now I don't know if it is because the cyst is truly gone or if they just couldn't see it because of how my ovary is positioned. Plus because of my ovary positioning & it being difficult there could be follies hiding that they couldn't see so I'm not sure if 7 mm is truly the biggest follie or if there is one hiding that is bigger or not but because the estradiol level went up (148 on CD 9 to 480 today) there is apparently follicular growth so we take another dose of Follistim tonight & go back tomorrow. Of course, if you remember from the last injectable cycle, day 12 is the day that I ovulated so I'm hoping & praying that history DOESN'T repeat itself & that I DON'T ovulate today, though as I sit here typing this I feel slight twinges in my ovary so only time will tell. Oh & just for reference my estradiol on CD 12 last cycle was 538 but I'm not worried... I'm trusting God.

As I was sitting in the waiting room (before my ultrasound) though I was reading the last few pages of a wonderful book, Esther by Charles Swindoll, & wanted to share part of what I read that really spoke to me there in the waiting room (pgs 195-196):

[Heaven's] where all arguments, suffering, disabilities, handicaps, brokenness, losses, tears, & tragedies will cease. That's where God will reign triumphant, in glory & majesty. That's where Christ will be the light & where we shall see Him as He is. No longer by faith--but by sight. No longer in hope but in absolute reality.

Lord, bring us back to the ancient message Esther portrays for us in her book. It's the same one that Jesus Christ not only declared but modeled. Bring us back to the One who is indeed our victor. Show us the importance of a humble spirit & true character. Give us a sense of satisfaction in being in Your plan, regardless of what that may mean for us on this earth. Give us the faith to trust You, even when You seem removed & distant. Fill us with hope as we anticipate the end that is sure to come. In the meantime, dear Father, make us responsible people who, like Esther, have been placed in our particular circumstances "for such a time as this," that we might carry Your message to a whole world. Give us her kind of courage & strength & dignity. And in that process, Lord, keep us from relying on our own ingenuity & determination. Remind us again & again that in the end, You win! May our hope rest firmly in Your Son Jesus Christ, in whose strong name I pray. Amen.

The bolded part is the part that spoke to me most in that waiting room this morning. I started tearing up & thinking just how far He has carried me through this. I have a supernatural sense of peace this cycle & I can honestly say that if I never have another child, I will be okay, but only in Him. I will be okay ONLY if He is by my side. I LOVE & TRUST Him to my core but look at what I have had to go through to get to this point. Look at what He has had to teach me. As long as I have Jesus, I have the world & don't need anything else, not even my heart's desire... a miracle baby. All I need is Jesus.

Don't misunderstand me though... I want a baby more than I want anything else on this earth. I want him/her so much, I can taste it, so to speak but I don't *need* one... all I truly *need* is Jesus. HE is my rock... my shelter in the storm.

CD 9 update... Endometriosis???

Well, everything looked "on target" according to the nurse for this day in my cycle... My estradiol level was 148 & I have about 5 follies, with the biggest being about 11 mm. Of course they want to see them at 15 mm or more to be mature so we have more growing to do, which is exactly what I pretty much expected to hear today. I am to continue Follistim for 3 more days & return Monday to see how everything looks.

However, comparing today's results with last cycle's results (CD 9 ultrasound & bloodwork update), I'm not sure what what to think really since my last cycle of injectables on CD 9 my estradiol was 310 & my largest follie was ~ 14 mm. Of course my last cycle of injectables was a bust so maybe this is GOOD news!

Okay now of course something wacky has to happen every time I see the dr about infertility & today's appt didn't disappoint (unfortunately) so... I have a cyst of some sort just hanging out with my 5 little follies. She used the term endometrioma b/c it is "grainy looking" & isn't filled with fluid. She said that they'd keep an eye on it & if it goes away, GREAT but if it doesn't then the dr might want to do surgery sometime in the future to check things out. I did specifically ask if this new cyst would affect trying to conceive this cycle & b/c I have 5 growing follies she said it wouldn't; that it is just "hanging out" with the other follies.

She asked if anyone has ever mentioned that I have cysts or anything & of course the first thing that popped in my mind was PCOS but of course no one has ever mentioned that to me other than one dr who mentioned it in passing when she saw that my testosterone was higher than my estrogen & did mention it but it really went no further than that. I have never been diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis & no one has really mentioned it since. Not exactly sure what this means... could I have PCOS and/or endo & just never knew???

I got pregnant right before I was about to have a laproscopy last year so we didn't need to investigate things after all & I have had to have a cyst removed from my ovary almost 10 years ago now but that cyst was a teratoma & as far as I know, not associated with PCOS or endo. I don't really know & I'm not going to spend my time worrying about it. I have an overwhelming sense of peace about this cycle... I've given it to God & we WILL get pregnant in His time. But I did mention to a friend, it will be a MIRACLE if/when we get pregnant. It was a MIRACLE that we even got pregnant last year. My body is so dysfunctional it amazes me that I ever got pregnant to begin with. Of course, God is in the MIRACLE business. Praise the Lord!

2nd injectable cycle, CD 2 ultrasound...

So the RE appt went well... apparently, my ovary likes to hide a lot! She must be shy, kinda like me, huh? But according to the nurse, that's okay... they'd rather not see them than to see a big ole' cyst so she gave me the go ahead to start injections. We start Sunday night & my next RE appt is next Friday at 8:45 am. I am using the pen & catridges this cycle verses the vials I used last cycle since they really seem easier & m0re convenient & cost the same as the vials with my insurance. Praise the Lord for insurance!

And apparently that trip that Mike was going to have to go on at the end of this month that he said might not happen is & isn't going to happen after all. LOL Okay I know that was kinda confusing so... He was going to have to go to KY but that trip did get cancelled, however at the last minute now he is going to AR so while the 1st trip DID get cancelled another popped up & took its place. Wow, God is good... thank you so much, Lord, for working out the timing!

I"m excited to see what this cycle brings & have a REALLY good feeling about this one!

2nd injectable cycle, here we come...

AF showed tonight so I call tomorrow to set up my CD 2 ultrasound (which should be on Friday) & if there are no cysts present we are on to our 2nd injectable cycle. The good thing is that b/c I started a few days early, Mike's possible business trip at the end of this month won't interfere. Of course now he is saying that trip might not happen anyway. Go figure! LOL

Thank you, Lord, for another chance & working out the timing. Please, Lord, let this be it! No matter what though, I praise Your holy name & I'm waiting & believing that we WILL get pg in YOUR time. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

1st injectables cycle RE follow-up appt update

So, nothing new to report, really. Basically he said my cycle was wacky, which we already knew so the plan is to up my dose next cycle (from 150 IUs) to 225 IUs to hopefully as he put it, "give me a better response." I did learn something new actually. If you remember, on CD 12 when my follies had "no significant changes"... well, apparently they were smaller than the previous ultrasound on CD 9 but my Estradiol level, as you remember, had increased so we stimmed 3 more days. Basically as he put it everything still looked pretty good on CD 12 (Friday) but sometime over that weekend my cycle went to crap (okay so he said s***) but I'm paraphrasing here! And he said that sometimes upping the dose will give a better response so that's the plan.

I do have to say that this appt actually went fairly well in that I saw some humility in his composure. He just didn't seem nearly as arrogant as he had in the past. It is soooooooooo hard to adjust to a new dr & to really click with that dr. I have always LOVED my OB but kinda undecided about the RE. I didn't like him or dislike him but it really does take a bit to develop that relationship. I remember it took at least 6 months or more before I started warming up to my OB. Actually, to be honest, I didn't really warm up to him until AFTER the miscarriage. It was that event that I could see the care & concern all over his face & that is when I knew he was a very good & loving dr. And actually this RE & my OB are fishing buddies so I am still giving this RE the benefit of the doubt & see what happens next. Ultimately, I know God is in control & we WILL be successful if it is God's will.