Faith

I think God has really been focusing on building my faith since it seems that "faith" has been a recurrent theme in my life lately...

For my birthday a good friend gave me one of the sweetest birthday present's ever, a photo album with one of my all time favorite verses, Hebrews 11:1.

Isn't it absolutely beautiful & just the perfect shade of *baby* green?! I've decided that I'm gonna save this album & use it as my newborn photo album of our baby whenever the Lord so blesses us!

And then just a few days later (on March 17th) my other best friend bought me 3 decorative flower pots - Faith, Hope, & Love! But the story she tells is that when she walked in to this particular store, she saw the Faith pot clear across the store. That particular pot caught her eye & she HAD to get it. It was only when she got closer that she also grabbed the Hope & Love pots as well since the 3 just go together!

These are decorative pots & apparently, aren't meant to hold real plants (there's no drain hole in the bottom) but after my friend & I talked a little about faith (how you plant a little seed of faith in your heart & then care for & nurture it for it to grow) now I want to come up with a way to use them to grow real flowers. I'm bound & determined to do this & already have a few ideas up my sleeve! If you do have any ideas as well, please share (all ideas welcomed & appreciated ).

And then just a few days after that (March 19th), when I was watching Beth Moore on LIFE Today, guess what she was speaking on?! FAITH!!! I know He's preparing me for the journey ahead. I even took notes (which I typically don't do) & the one note that I took that really stood out was... "There will be plenty of opportunity to doubt & fear & disbelieve -> It's got to to appear as if this one is NOT going to come through - that is exactly when you have an opportunity to have a story that turns itself into a song."

Here's the entire video of Beth Moore, for your viewing pleasure... A Story Fit For a Song. I'm so excited to be walking this journey with the Lord!

And a few days after THAT, I heard a new song for the first time. I know it doesn't really speak about faith per se but it is such an AWESOME song & it really just speaks to me so much that I had to include it here as well...

Wow, that the Lord would speak to me the way He does simply amazes me sometimes!

The wait is over!

AF is here (after being 5 days late no less )! I was hoping that maybe *she* would stay away but alas! So we *should* be going back to the RE for stronger meds (Follistim + Menopur + Ganirelix) but I do have an announcement...

Meds are over... I'm done with trying to conceive with medical assistance (& it feels soooooooooo good )! After the lap, you just can't tell me that I can't get pregnant. I can & I will if it's the Lord's will. AND the biggest announcement: I really feel like the Lord is calling us to adopt. Hubby isn't quite on the same page as me but I KNOW that if this is truly the Lord's will (as I believe it is) He will speak to Mike & bring Mike on board as well so I'm not toooooooo worried! I'll admit, I wish I could say that we were moving forward with adoption but right now we are in the "considering" stage.

We've actually already met with an agency... we attended an "information meeting" but I didn't really get the information I wanted from the meeting so I'm going to schedule an individual appointment with them & talk one on one. I did like them over all (though I knew I would), mostly because they are Christ-centered & this particular agency does offer at least one definite advantage over others... you don't lose your money if one adoption falls through, you can just transfer it to another adoption program within the organization. As they explained it, it's a ministry & they want to place children in loving, Christian homes.

If you're interested, below is the story of just how the Lord spoke to me & started changing my heart, opening it to adoption (& I do have to add that this is an AWESOME story, in my opinion anyway )...

Tuesday (Jan 18th) night, a friend on Facebook shared a video made by this girl who was adopted. It really moved me (& I even got teary-eyed) & I noticed in particular the verse she shared at the end of the video...

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
~ John 14:18

So then Wednesday morning during Austin's Science class (we homeschool) we often read scriptures with our Science book. One particular scripture really jumped out at me...

"Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies."
~ Romans 8:23

It was funny b/c in the back of my mind I thought, "Hmmmm... I wonder if I'll hear another 'adoption' scripture tomorrow." But again, I just kinda passed it off & went on about my day not thinking about it again.

THEN Thursday, again during Science class, we were trucking along (almost at the end of class) & all of a sudden I thought, "Hey, I haven't heard another 'adoption scripture' yet." The VERY next verse Austin read in science was...

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight."
~ Ephesians 1:4

And this scripture really jumped out at me. And it, I felt, was my "adoption" scripture (even though as you'll notice adoption isn't mentioned outright).

Anyway, so I wanted to mark these in my Bible & when I get to Ephesians guess what Ephesians 1:5 goes on to say...

"In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will."

At this point I KNEW... we're NOT getting pregnant (we were in our 1st month of trying to conceive naturally since the lap when all this happened) & notice, even 5 days late last cycle, we're still not pregnant. Why? I believe in every fiber of my being that God wants us to adopt.

I actually then called one of my best friends & she confessed to me that she had been having a sort of adoption feeling for me since BEFORE Christmas but she never said anything b/c she felt like that was my decision & was between me & God but when I broached the subject with her Thursday (Jan 20th), that's when she confessed. Specifically she said that anytime she sees adoption posters or advertisement, I just come to mind & she really believes it is the Holy Spirit speaking to her.

I, of course, would LOVE any child... biological or not but I'm going to confess here... adoption has always scared me. Mostly the money. I KNOW if God is in this, He will provide so I try not to think about it & lean on Him, having faith.

Anyway, so I've been thinking A LOT about adoption lately. Like, what kind of adoption does God want us to do? Embryo adoption (like I had wrote about several months ago... At the crossroads), traditional baby adoption (domestic or international), or traditional older child adoption (from foster care). I have always kinda felt pulled toward an older child (since I know a lot of people want babies, leaving the older children in the system who want nothing more than someone to love them) but God is softening my heart toward domestic adoption (I just can't give up the idea of having a baby right now... I do want to adopt an older child but in the future since I really feel like time is running out for a baby (I'm not getting any younger over here )) so right now I feel a pull toward domestic or embryo adoption, but which?

I'll definitely keep you posted but it could get quite around here for a little while, until there is something to update.

So, I'm going to leave you with 2 scriptures that really speak to me right now...

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
~Exodus 14:14

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
~1 Corinthians 2:9

Thank you, Jesus!

God's Perfect Timing!

God is so good!!! I can barely believe it but as of today, we have the most beautiful crib in the world! Well, the most beautiful crib in my eyes anyway!

A close up of the headboard/backboard...

I bought this crib for my sister back when my niece was born years ago & now it's mine! And it's all thanks to God & HIS perfect timing...

My mom & sister (who live together) were moving & have been trying to move into this new place for MONTHS now. They wanted to be in before Christmas but alas that didn't happen... God's timing is never our timing, is it? So they finally got to move in just a little over a week ago. Well, my niece's birthday party was last weekend & after the party I dropped by their new place to look it over & I noticed that my niece's bed wasn't set up & instead another bed sat in it's place. I was, of course, a little confused. Long story short, the crib is a convertible crib & is supposed to convert to a full size bed but they couldn't figure out how to do that so they just set up ANOTHER bed & was going to get rid of the crib/bed but thankfully God worked it all out so that I'd show up when I did, notice that the bed was missing, & inquire into it which led to ME getting the bed. If they would have moved in earlier I may never have known about the crib & may never have gotten it but God knew & He worked it all out. Praise the Lord! We picked it up today & it isn't fully set up yet... we're still missing a few screws but I'm sure we can find them from a local hardware store or Babies R' Us (where we originally bought the bed in the first place).

One of the amazing things about this story though is just how much I ADORE this crib. I have ALWAYS loved this crib from the very beginning but I wanted to do something really special for my sister so I bought her the crib that I secretly longed to be buying for myself. And ever since buying this crib for her, every time I'd look at cribs online, dreaming of the day I'd finally get to buy one for myself, deep down I always kinda compared my sister's crib to whatever I might be looking at/dreaming of. I have never once been jealous really (I have always been very happy to have bought her such a beautiful crib) but this one has always been that "dream" crib for me... you know the one that you use to compare all other cribs to. Anyway, little did I know that I was actually buying that crib for myself way back when.

God is so good & this is a huge reminder that we are just one step closer to the baby that I know He is preparing JUST for us. Praise the Lord & thank you from the bottom of my heart! Only He knows what this truly means to me!

By the way, I know it's been a little quite around here lately... we are into the 2nd month of trying to conceive naturally. I will def update you when there is more to update.

And speaking of perfect timing, Elaine over on God's Faithfulness Through Infertility wrote an awesome post on God's timing & our asking "WHY?" It was just what I needed to hear last weekend & is a GREAT reminder of just how perfect His timing truly is... We always want answers as to “Why?”. Here is one.

I won my very first award!!! =)

Thank you, Ashley... this is the highlight of my day!

Here are the rules for the acceptance of the award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Let's see, 7 things about me...

1. I LOVE lizards & am often called the lizard paparazzi by both my husband (Mike) & son (Austin) in the summer b/c I am ALWAYS taking pictures of them.

Here's just a few of my favorite pics that I have taken...

2. We (Mike, Austin, & I) love all kinds of animals & we do our very best to live alongside God's beautiful creatures. We had a family of snakes living under our porch over this past summer. I know most people would kill them but not us... we loved our little neighbors & would often go out looking for them, hoping to catch a glimpse of them sunning themselves. By the way, these were King snakes & not poisonous at all. Actually if you are going to have a family of snakes living nearby these are the ones you want b/c they eat the poisonous ones! LOL Oh & we even use mice cubes b/c we would prefer to not kill mice. We are just big animal lovers.

Here's a pic of one of our *neighbors*...

3. I'm a very crafty person. I love to paint & draw & other general crafts. I can do very basic knitting & want to learn to crochet as well. (Austin & I actually have an Arts & Crafts (business) blog if you wanna check out our *craftiness*... A&A Art.)

4. We homeschool... this is our 2nd year homeschooling & Austin is in 9th grade. I LOVE it & my only regret is that we didn't do it sooner.

5. I once dated a guy who was invited to appear on Jerry Springer!

6. I have recently gotten interested in America's Next Top Model (though not one of my absolute favorite shows). Now, if you know my personality, this show is a little out of character for me (I am so not a girly girl or even care about girly things like fashion, make-up, etc). I'm not sure why I like it but I do love to watch the models "do their thing" & see the results. It's art to me & it is kinda fun to see if I can guess who's going to get eliminated next.

7. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Uno & all forms of it. We have the original Uno card game, Uno Attack, & Uno Spin (probably my favorite of the 3). And I sooooooooo want Uno Flash!


And those who I am passing this award on to:

Adair
Amber
Augie
Brandi
Crystal
Elaine
Kari
Kristine
Mattie
Melissa
Melissa
Patti
Sibi
Stephanie
Tiffany

Dedicated in memory to my precious angel baby...

on what would have been her 1st birthday...

First, I have to say that this is not a sad day but a happy day, though it will be filled with some tears. Happy because God chose us to care & love this precious child of His & chose us to carry this child during her short stay here on Earth. She is safe & happy in His arms, though Mommy, Daddy, & Big Brother all miss her dearly. She is God's perfect creation who was only meant to be here for 11 short weeks but in God's wisdom, He knew those 11 weeks would change our lives forever.

We love you & miss you so much sweet little one & I, personally, can not wait to get to know you in Heaven one day!

To the Child of My Heart

O precious, tiny sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to
come and join our family.

We never had the chance to play.
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you
And to listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
the child that we had.

But now you're gone . . .
but yet you're here.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
there's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never.
The child we had, but never had,
and yet will have forever.

In memory of Chloe Elizabeth*
Estimated due date, January 16, 2010
Date of loss, July 1, 2009
Remembering My Sweet Angel

* Yes, I know we named her Chris but that was before I really started feeling/believing that it was a she & not a he. Chris is gender neutral but Chris just never really felt right... Chloe Elizabeth was the name chosen while we were pregnant for a girl.

5 years!

2011 marks year number 5 on this infertility journey for us. It's funny but when we started this journey, sometime in 2006, I thought we'd get pregnant rather quickly. After all, Austin was a surprise so I knew I could get pregnant. Yeah, okay. LOL In the beginning (well, maybe about a year into it when I realized we weren't getting pregnant very easily) I was so lost, so depressed, so heartbroken. Why can't I get pregnant? What is wrong with me? With us? Am I a bad mother; is that why I can't get pregnant... because I'm a bad mother & God doesn't want me to have another? That last one weighed heavily on my heart for a long time. I thought something was wrong with ME & that God doesn't think I'm good enough so He was withholding this from me/us. I loved God but I didn't KNOW Him. I didn't understand this whole "Christianity" thing. I didn't understand the relationship part. I didn't understand that God was NOT withholding this blessing from me. I didn't understand that God only wants good for us & He loves us deeply. Words can't express the depth of the love He has for us, even in our fallen state (which is exactly where I was at during this time in my life), even before we accept Him.

But, as I have said in the past, God blessed me with infertility. Whoa, wait, what? Blessed, you ask. Yes, BLESSED! I would have never asked for infertility or wish it on anyone but He used infertility in my life to show me Him, His AWESOMENESS, & His power. He has used it to redeem me, to bring me to my knees in submission to Him & for that alone I am eternally grateful. He is growing me through this infertility... He is growing my character & molding me into Christ's likeness. He has greatly increased my faith & trust in Him. I see His hand all around me where before infertility, I knew & loved Him, though disobedient & wretched, but I didn't truly experience Him on a day to day basis like I do now. For example, just a few weekends ago, as I was shopping at the Thrift Store a book that I have been wanting since the beginning of this journey caught my eye... When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson. It wasn't even in the proper place so how & where I actually saw it was a miracle in itself. And then just a few days later I learned that our church is about to start a new women's Bible study... Jonah: Navigating A Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer. Now this is so special to me b/c I JUST went (last month) to a Deeper Still conference with Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, & Kay Arthur. I went for Beth Moore but was blessed by Priscilla Shirer. I'm telling you I was bawling by the time Priscilla Shirer quit speaking! She talked mostly about being in "the faith place" (that's where we feel compelled by God to do something & it's in THIS place that we have the potential to see miracles) & the "God margin" (we can only get so far w/o His help but that margin between what WE can do & the end goal is the "God margin" & is where He can step in & show out by performing miracles). Wow, I'm getting all teary-eyed just remembering how her words spoke to me that day.

Anyway, back to the original story... our church is going to start the Jonah study this coming Sunday & though initially I wanted to do her One In A Million study (I even got the One In A Million book for Christmas ), obviously God has other plans. Actually shortly after the the Deeper Still conference I was blog surfing on other infertility blogs & ran across Ashley over at Expecting Miracles & she just recently started this very same study. This study is obviously just something that is coming up a lot lately so I know God has big things planned for me through this study so I definitely don't want to miss out! Actually, watching the youtube video about how Priscilla Shirer's life was interrupted, has me soooooooooooooooo excited about this study.

It's not a divine interruption but a divine intervention & that is exactly what infertility is & has been. It isn't an accident & it has always only been for my good... to prosper me, not to harm me. Thank you, Jesus. I can't wait to see what is in store for me during the next several weeks as I go through this study.

Okay, last but not least, below are my notes from Priscilla Shirer during the Deeper Still conference. I wanted to record them here since they spoke to me so deeply & actually spoke directly on the subject of my infertility...

Faith without works (obedience) is dead.

When we feel compelled by God to do something, this is when we are called to the faith place (such as Esther, Jonah, Moses as he was parting the Red Sea). It is here where we have the potential to see miracles.

2 Kings 13:14-19
Elisha (his relationship with God) is their security but Elisha is dying & that security is quickly coming to an end. Don't concentrate on what we don't have & concentrate instead on what we do have (our bow & arrows). God's hand was placed on the king.

2 Chronicles 16:9

Be sure you hear from God.

"For every major decision, I have a particular verse for that decision."
~ Anne Graham Lotts

According to your faith, it will be done unto you. What you're willing to invest, you will get.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - In our weakness He is strong.

Why we don't lay it all down:

• It doesn't make sense
• Doubt
• We don't want to look crazy
• Insecurity/Plan B

We believe little because we've seen little & we've seen little because we believe little.

Psalm 20:7
Matthew 6:1

Others who have looked foolish throughout scripture:

• Noah
• Moses, parting the Red Sea
• Sarah's pregnancy
• David & Goliath
• Peter walking on water
• Marry's pregnancy
• Isrealites & Jericho
• Esther
• Caleb
• 3 Wisemen
• The boy & his fish feeding 5,000
• Jesus on the Cross

Post-lap appt update

So the appt went well. He went over the results (pics) with me & we talked some. Bottom line, we are going to try *au naturale* for 3 months & if I don't get pregnant, we'll come back in & do more meds. I LOVED the idea since I was kinda hoping that we'd get to try naturally for at least 1 cycle anyway. He did say that we have a better chance at getting pregnant now & even told me a story of another patient who was in a very similar situation as me & who is finally pregnant now & doing well. I'm hopeful that we might get pregnant naturally but regardless I KNOW God is by my side, holding my hand, carrying me through this. I will be okay, with His help, no matter what & I'm excited to see what He has in store for me!