Galatians 4:22-23

Happy would-be 2nd birthday, sweet child o' mine!

2012-01-16T19:50:00.004-06:00

I can't believe I could have a 2 year old, a 3 year old, & a 4 year old right now but in all honesty I probably wouldn't have my beautiful 3 & 4 year olds if we wouldn't have had a miscarriage like we did (I don't know that we would have been open to adoption had we had our precious miracle baby 2 years ago). I, of course, miss my baby but I, in no way, regret the events that happened. I have the most precious 3 & 4 year olds in the world plus my would-be 2 year old is in heaven, happy as can be, with Jesus, & doesn't even have a care in the world. She is the blessed one here.

So in memory of my precious angel baby who we barely even know I wanted to post a few quotes:

"Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart."
~ Author unknown (copied from a friend's wall on FB)

"There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief,
of deep contrition and of unspeakable love."
~ Washington Irving

In memory of Chloe Elizabeth*
Estimated due date, January 16, 2010
Date of loss, July 1, 2009
Remembering My Sweet Angel

* Yes, I know we named her Chris but that was before I really started feeling/believing that it was a she & not a he. Chris is gender neutral but Chris just never really felt right... Chloe Elizabeth was the name chosen while we were pregnant for a girl.

Scriptures

2011-12-18T21:14:00.010-06:00

I've really been meaning to post these for a while now (probably since August) but I just haven't gotten around to it until now. I think I'm posting them now because I really need a reminder of His promises & His faithfulness. I know I have to lean on Him & Him alone through every trial & heartache.

Anyway, this is a list of scriptures that I have compiled along this TTC/Infertility/Adoption journey. I hope they speak to you as well.

Infertility/TTC/Adoption Journey Scriptures

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
~ John 14:18

"Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies."
~ Romans 8:23

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will."
~ Ephesians 1:4-5

“For it is written that Abraham had two sons, one by the slave woman and the other by the free woman. His son by the slave woman was born in the ordinary way; but his son by the free woman was born as the result of a promise.”
~ Galatians 4:22-23

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”
~ Hebrews 11:1

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
~ Hebrews 10:23

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today…The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
~ Exodus 14:13-14

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
~ 1 Corinthians 2:9

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“We constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith.”
~ 2 Thessalonians 1:11

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
~ Romans 8:28

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
~ Proverbs 3:5-6

“But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”
~ Philippians 4:19

“Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.”
~ Micah 7:7

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
~ Jeremiah 29:11

“Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.”
~ Isaiah 40:31

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.”
~ Proverbs 13:12

“His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ said Jesus, ‘but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.’”
~ John 9:2-3

"A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps."
~ Proverbs 16:9

“And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive. But better than both is he who has not yet been, who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun.”
- Ecclesiastes 4:2-3

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
~ Joshua 1:9

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
~ Matthew 7:7

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
~ Hebrews 13:5

“My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
~ Psalm 106:1

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”
~ Colossians 3:2

“With God all things are possible.”
~ Matthew 19:26

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
~ Jeremiah 29:13

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
~ Isaiah 41:10

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
~ Philippians 4:6-7

"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment."
~ 1 Timothy 6:17

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”
~ Hebrews 10:35-36

“For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal & it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.”
~ Habakkuk 2:3

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
~ 1 Peter 5:7

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod & staff, they comfort me.”
~ Psalm 23:4

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
~ Phillipians 4:13

“Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm & see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah & Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, & the Lord will be with you.”
~ 2 Chronicles 20:15, 17

“Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.”
~ 2 Chronicles 20:21

“If God is for us, who can be against us?”
~ Romans 8:31

“I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
~ Matthew 17:20

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.”
~ Psalm 34:17

“The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.”
~ Psalm 145:18-19

“The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
~ Deuteronomy 31:8

“Don’t be afraid; just believe.”
~ Mark 5:36

“Do NOT fear the storms! I have already won this battle for you! All you have to do now is obey. Rest in me. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you by my strong right hand. Endure. I am with you.”
~ Rebecca Carrell (Love.Serve.Shine, Today’s Daily Bread ~ Run Harder!)

"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
~ Author Unknown

"Be assured that if God makes you wait longer than you wish, it is only to make the blessing all the more precious."
~ Author Unknown

"Live every day to fulfill your personal mission. God has a reason for whatever season you are living through right now. A season of loss or blessing? A season of activity or hibernation? A season of growth or incubation? You may think you're on a detour, but God knows the best way for you to reach your destination."
~ Barbara Johnson

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
~ Thomas A. Edison

"We must discipline ourselves to place confidence in His decision to give us the information we need to successfully accomplish the step we are on in the journey."
~Priscilla Shirer (Jonah study)

"Victory is sweetest when you have known defeat."
~ Malcolm Forbes

Our First Halloween!!!

2011-11-20T18:45:00.003-06:00

I know it's a little late but I've been sooooooooo busy just playing with & being "Mommy" to my 2 beautiful babies & my 1 handsome young gentleman.

My little frog prince...

My little witch...

Abbie got mad at her brother & turned him into a frog! LOL

And last but not least, my hobo...

Long time no see... um, write I mean! =)

2011-08-21T22:22:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven't updated my blog in so long but soooooooooo much has been going on.

God is good... all the time! They're ours!!! After 5.5 years of infertility & many, many prayers for a baby God has blessed us with 2 beautiful toddlers (Charlie, 2, & Abbie, 3). It was May 22nd that we were first approached about possibly fostering/adopting these 2 children (News!!!) & on June 21st we became their legal guardians. We actually brought them home on Thurs, June 23rd, & I'm telling you I can't get ANYTHING done unless they are asleep. It was like BAM & their ours... it all happened so fast & there was a definite period of adjustment in there. So we are their parents for as long as God allows... we are guardians which means their parents still have rights & could actually petition the court for them at any time unless we hire a lawyer to discuss possible adoption.

God is soooooooooooo good & sooooooooooo faithful & He has really taken a horrible situation & has done something really beautiful with it, not to mention that He brought 2 completely unrelated families together to become one family... I love this family so much; as if they were my own. But still please remember the family in your prayers & these children who just lost the only mother they have ever really known about 2 months ago. Their grandmother died Sat night, June 25th. The children are doing well... I honestly think they are too young to really comprehend what's going on.

I do have to add that the home visit went really well... I fully believe that the reason it went as well as it did was because God was/is in this. Though I don't want to sugar coat it, the home study was emotionally difficult on me... if I wasn't fully committed to the Lord & HIS will above my own, I would have quit right then & there - that's how difficult it was on me but I KNOW God knows better than me & I fully trust Him so I will follow Him no matter what. I have actually seen God literally move mountains over the past 2 months. And now that they are here, I LOVE these 2 precious babies so so much. I can't imagine my life without them & I hope I never have to.

Oh & remember my post about my fears & why I felt adoption wasn't a good option for us, 2nd injectables cycle RE follow-up appt update... well, Rex is a big baby with them. I was so scared & for no real reason at all. He is AMAZING with those children. Yeah, he did bark in the beginning but now they hug, kiss, pet, & play with him ALL THE TIME & he loves them just as much as they love him!!! Praise the Lord because it was Him & Him alone that moved sooooooooooooo many mountains to bring these wonderful, beautiful children into our lives.

And can I add that God is teaching me so much about Himself through these little children. I once heard Beth Moore talk about how love comes from God first & when we feel like telling Him we love Him we should really say, "I love you too" because it came from Him first. Anyway, I tell Abbie & Charlie, "I love you," like 100 times a day. Okay not really 100 times a day but I tell them A LOT. And then a week or 2 AFTER I started telling them soooooooo much that I love them, I caught Charlie telling everyone he loves them. Not exactly the same but it just reminds me of what Beth Moore said anyway.

And the other thing that I have heavily reflected on since God has blessed us with their care is just how beautiful & perfect these children are in my eyes (beautiful eyes, hair, noses, ears, toes, lips... you name it & I LOVE it). I can't imagine just how much God loves us if I love these children as much as I do. And I know God thinks the same way (only times 10!) about us... we are beautiful to Him, imperfections & all.

And now my beautiful babies...

Brother & sisterly love!

Being silly before church!

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him.
~ 1 Samuel 1:27

He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.
~ Psalm 113:9

Thank you Lord!!! You have blessed me beyond measure!

Sharing... for the glory of God!

2011-06-12T22:31:00.002-05:00

I have been so reserved about this possible adoption... part of me wanting to share & shout to the world just what God has & is doing but at the same time part of me wants to hold back out of respect for the family's privacy & if I'm honest with myself, out of fear as well (fear of the "what ifs" as well as fear of putting the most vulnerable parts of my heart out there for the whole world to read).

But after reading a post on one of my favorite blogs, God's Faithfulness Through Infertility: for the glory of God, I have decided to share, for the glory of God. I know that no matter what, God is in control & if these children are meant to be ours God will move the mountains that may be standing in our way & these children WILL be ours but if, for whatever reason, they don't become ours then they were never really ours to begin with.

I probably don't need to tell you the fact that DHR will have to come into our home is somewhat nerve-racking for me but I am trusting in God & God alone.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
~ Psalm 46:1

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
~ Psalm 91:2

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
~ Psalm 121:1-2

I don't know why it is so scary for me considering I've seen God's mighty work in this infertility journey... free injectables, the crib (that is now converted into a toddler bed ) , the fact that I even got pregnant when I did is a miracle & then I went on to ovulate with no medical assistance at all even though we didn't get pregnant (which I fully believe we didn't get pregnant because He called us to adopt).

Remembering His faithfulness in the past does make it easier though I do have to constantly remind myself:

God is in control, not DHR. God is in control, not DHR.
Don't be afraid, just believe. Don't be afraid, just believe.

God's word tells us over & over, "Fear Not," but it is obviously such a normal human emotion. I am choosing to give all my fears over to Him & trust Him daily which of course is not always easy since we seem to always want to control everything (especially me, being a type A personality). We don't control anything, as I am learning in this journey. Any control we seem to have is only an illusion because we aren't in control, God is; which is really better anyway. If I were in control I'm sure I'd screw it all up.

Last but not least I wanted to share some meaningful quotes from a recent devotion a friend shared with me. Love.Serve.Shine: The Pretzel Solution:

God will provide a lamb. It is well within the nature of God to allow our circumstances to reach a place of utter hopelessness, so that He might provide the hope. What we deem impossible, He calls simple. Time after time, Scripture paints a picture of God providing the perfect solution at the perfect time. The common denominator? Simple faith in a great God.

Do your circumstances look insurmountable? Stop looking around and look up. Trust that the One who brought you to the fire will walk you through it. Not sure what tomorrow holds? The One who holds tomorrow whispers, Fear not. I walk before you, beside you and behind you. I will tell you when to go and when to rest. I will carry you and see you through. Trust in Me with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).

This particular devotion is based on some very special scripture for me. If you remember from an earlier post, R&R at Fort Walton Beach, you'll remember how Genesis 22 speaks to me about God providing children. And then the next day (after reading Love.Serve.Shine.) I find an awesome video on the exact same scripture:

I know He's speaking to me saying, "Trust me, I've got this" so I'm going to hold my head up high & trust Him & Him alone to pull me through this, one way or another. Why? Because my God is faithful!

The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
~ Psalm 118:6

News!!!

2011-05-24T19:01:00.003-05:00

Someone approached us Sunday, May 22nd, at church about possibly fostering/adopting 2 children: a boy, 2, & a girl, 3... both have birthdays in August. Their grandmother (current guardian) is dying of cancer & these children need a home when it happens. The family wants a Christian family for these 2 precious children & approached me after hearing that we were considering adoption. Oh & can I share HOW she heard we were considering adoption... it was a direct result of the Jonah study that I just finished (I wrote about starting the study here... 5 years). I shared my belief that the Lord wanted us to adopt at the beginning of the study & apparently this opportunity presents itself at the end of the study (we just finished the study a few weeks ago).

Anyway, Mike & I have thought & prayed about it & yesterday we contacted the lady who I spoke with Sunday to tell her that we are interested. Now we have to contact DHR & go from there. We aren't home study approved yet but I'm sure we will figure it all out. I have MAJOR cleaning to do this week. I'm terrified & excited & even have a lot of peace, knowing God is in this & we are one step closer to the child or children He promised!!! To God be the glory!!!

And then this morning's devotional was based on one of my favorite scriptures, Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you.' Declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (http://narrowroadtravels.com/fearnt24.aspx). It was just so special!

I can't believe this could be it but I am also so sad for these children. Their world is falling apart... the only real mother they have ever known is dying. Please pray for everyone involved... the grandmother, all the other family, but especially the children; and of course us as we embark on a new chapter in our lives.

Praise You, Lord!

Positive Affirmation!

2011-05-11T16:49:00.001-05:00

I will have a baby! The end!

Some background... Monday night at a Prayer Ministry meeting at church I got to talking to our Prayer Ministry leader & we talked about a verse that God gave me THAT day that I really feel is my verse; the verse He gave me to come to when this road feels too tough...

"Don't be afraid; just believe." ~ Mark 5:36

Anyway, we got to talking about positive affirmation & how I need to believe that I will have a baby so this is a phrase I am going to start repeating to myself (out loud) every morning over my crib that the Lord so graciously provided a few months ago (God's Perfect Timing). I'm repeating this out loud b/c as Beth Moore says, there's power in spoken words & as I have heard many times, faith comes from hearing God's Word (Romans 10:17) & through faith we can literally move mountains:

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
~ Matthew 17:20

Anyway, then yesterday, as I started to catch up on some of the blogs I follow, one of my favorite blogs had a 2 part post speaking about almost the exact same thing... Pearls & Grace: Decree a Thing {Part 1} & {Part 2}. So I am going to start speaking these things (among others) over our family...

I will have a baby (whether by conception or adoption).
I decree and declare that my womb is blessed and that I am able to conceive, carry and deliver healthy and whole full term babies. (borrowed from Pearls & Grace)

Last but not least, I never really shared anything more, though I said I would in my last post. What I was hoping to share is my feeling led toward fostering & I (personally) still do feel led more toward fostering than domestic adoption at this point (of course I'm not sure how/what Mike is feeling right now concerning adoption/fostering) but I never came back because the next few days/weeks were so emotional & hard for me, I just couldn't share my heart at that point in time.

Run Harder!

2011-04-15T20:25:00.007-05:00

A friend told me to go read Love.Serve.Shine's Daily Bread today & it really, really spoke to me so I wanted to share (I hope to share a little bit more about WHY it spoke to me so much tomorrow)...

Colossians 1:11 – We also pray that you will be strengthened with His glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father, who has enabled you to share the inheritance that belongs to God’s holy people, who live in the light.

One of my closest girlfriends says that God speaks to her in the tub. When she’s wrestling with something, she locks herself in, draws a hot bath, and just soaks. Perhaps it’s because she’s so relaxed, perhaps it’s the quiet, but regardless, that is where she best hears the voice of the Holy Spirit.

God speaks to me when I run. Anytime I’m feeling worried, anxious, or off, I’ll strap on my shoes and hit the pavement. No headphones. No particular destination; just me and the road. After about two miles or so I’ll usually start to get a sense of what I need to do.

Wednesday was as close to a perfect spring day that you’ll ever get in North Texas; Sunshine, low-80s and light wind. So when the kids and I had finished our errands, we loaded up the stroller and off we went.

We ran our usual route then hit our usual park. The kids played while I caught my breath and soaked up the sun. After an hour or so, we headed home.

Should I run or walk, I asked myself. The kids were hungry and so was I, so I sped up.

The wind had strengthened significantly, and it was an up-hill road all the way back. Just as I was about to slow down, I heard Him. “Run harder,” He whispered.

With those two words, I instantly saw the metaphor. When you hit a hill in life, keep climbing. When the wind is against you, keep going. When life tries to slow you down, run harder.

2 Timothy 1:7 – For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

My love affair for running started my senior year in high school, when I went out for the track team. My dad, also a runner (10 marathons under his belt), would often tell me, “You’ve got to get out of your comfort zone, Rebecca! If you’re not hurting, you’re not working.”

Our coach pushed us ruthlessly. Race up a hill, jog down, repeat. Race up, jog down, repeat. Fartlek runs were the worst: run one minute as hard as you can, jog one minute. Run two minutes as hard as you can, jog two minutes. All the way up to five minutes, then back down again. I can remember lungs screaming and muscles crying and still pushing on.

By the end of the season I’d shaved over two minutes off my timed mile. I’d incorporated healthy eating habits. I’d added some tone to my legs and a spring to my step. I felt strong.

John 16:33 – “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (emphasis mine).

The International Standard Version translates that verse this way: “but be courageous – I have overcome the world!” The King James Version says, “but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” The word used in the original Greek is tharseó (thar-seh’-o), and means “I am of good courage, good cheer, am bold.” When used in the New Testament, it refers to God bolstering the believer, empowering them with a bold inner-attitude. It is inner courage that is the result of the Lord infusing His strength us.* Simply put, Jesus is saying, “Do NOT fear the storms! I have already won this battle for you! All you have to do now is obey. Rest in me. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you by my strong right hand. Endure. I am with you.”

If we could see this world and its storms from a Heavenly perspective, would we fear them so much? If we truly recognized that this life is but a breath, and then we live forever in Christ, would we mourn so much? If we lived in the mindset that this world, and all that is in it is fading away, would we worry so much? Or would we see a storm, roll up our sleeves and press on with ever increasing determination, knowing that this is where we are strengthened.

Isaiah 40:31 – But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

God is beckoning us out of our comfort zone. When the hill looks too big, run harder. When the wind is against you, push through. When the waves crash around you, step out of the boat. With Jesus by your side, you will walk on water.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You so much for the Bible, Your Word. Thank you for the inspired words of Paul and the life-changing teachings of Jesus. Strengthen us, Father. Through Christ we can do all things. Through Christ we are more than conquerors. Help us to remember this, write it on our hearts! Help us to live in the victory that has already been won. God, the only thing Satan has over us is fear. Help us to let it go. When we can navigate through life knowing that You will see us through the storms, he has nothing to bind us with. For those of us in difficult times, please comfort us. Please help us to remember that the best is yet to come. Please help us to shine Your light through the dark, so that we might show the lost the way home. We thank You for Your Son, God, and the magnificent, horrific work on the cross that sealed our salvation. It is in the precious, beautiful name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, that we pray. Amen.

* definition and notes courtesy of The Online Parallel Bible

http://www.loveserveshine.com/todays-daily-bread-run-harder/

God even controls the Internet!!! =)

2011-03-31T09:24:00.005-05:00

Seriously, He does!!!

So Monday night, I actually went over to a friend's house after the infertility support group & then didn't get home till 1:30 am! So when I woke up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too early Tuesday morning, at 7 am, I decided to skip my 1 hour daily Bible study that I do first thing EVERY morning & instead do a shorter devotional from a recent web site that a friend introduced me to (Love.Serve.Shine). The site's "Daily Bread" is awesome & is actually what I wanted to do as my quiet time Tuesday morning but alas, the Lord had other plans! When I tried to go to the website, I kept getting a "server not found" error. I tried every way I knew how to get to the web site b/c I really wanted to read the "Daily Bread" but it just was NOT happening so I was a little frustrated & thought about what I could do/use as my quiet time. Then it came to me... we did a devotional on fear a while back in the infertility support group I mentioned previously (Hannah's Friends) so I decided to check out the next devotional study in that series instead.

It was okay but what really grabbed me was when I decided to look ahead & see what the future lessons looked like. Part 5 was based around a scripture that my friend who I had just seen hours before had shared with me. She said that when she read several passages from 2 Chronicles 20 she just thought about me...

Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you.
~ 2 Chronicles 20:15, 17

And here's the actual devotional lesson that is centered around this scripture...

Fear Not
Learning to fear less in a fearful world
by Jennifer Wennekamp

Scripture Reading: 2 Chronicles 20

Key Scripture: You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’ ” 2 Chronicles 20:17 NIV

This week our topic is that we do not need to be afraid because God will fight for us. We need to realize that there are going to be times when we are approaching a fight that our job will only be to get ready for the fight, but God will take over from there. It seems so often that we want to be in control. We want to control all the situations we are in and so sometimes we think we have to do all the fighting or we will not get what we want, when we want, how we want. We forget to factor God into the equation. We often don’t even want to let God in on the process until we are at our wits end and feel that we have to give up.

In Deuteronomy 3:22 it says- “Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God shall fight for you.” And I really like it in 2 Chronicles 20:17 “But you will not even need to fight, Take your positions; stand still and watch the salvation of the Lord with you. O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you.” God will fight for us. In fact often the fight isn’t even ours. In 2 Chronicles it says that the battle was God’s. The people were going through the battle, but it was God’s battle and he was going to make sure they got through it. He does not want us to fight a fight that he knows we can not win. If we try to fight the fight on our own we may not win, but God can fight it so we do win. Sometimes there are fights we go through that we lose, but the Bible says there is no temptation that has taken us that he has not made a way out of. We can win any battle we are in with his help, but if we do not turn to him, focus on him, and follow his wisdom we may not win the battles. So if we are doing our part He is there and present to fight the fight for us when it is necessary.

Sometimes it is necessary in life for us to let our kids go through their own fights. Some of the fights that our kids deal with, help them to grow. If we see our kids in a fight we may observe the situation and see if it is something the can handle and will help them grow and so we let them go ahead and deal with it. Other times we look and see that they are in over their head, or that there is something in that fight that we do not want them to experience and so we go in and take over the fight. That is how God is with us. Sometimes he steps in and takes over for us to protect us or even to remind us of his wonderful love.

There have been several times in my life that I felt that God has called me to do something, but I could not see how in the world it was going to happen. I would start to get a little fearful thinking that I had to make it work out because I knew God had spoken to me about it, and I was afraid if I didn’t push and push that it wouldn’t happen. I would believe God called me to do the thing, but not think about letting God be the one to work it out. Then at these times I would finally come to the point where I realized that I had taken the steps that I could, and that I couldn’t do any more. If it was going to happen, God would be the one that would have to make it work. Sometimes that is just how it is.

Even though God will fight for us we can not allow ourselves to get to the place where we allow this promise to make us lazy. We can not just sit back and say “This is God’s fight so I don’t have to do any work.” That is not what 2 Chronicles 20 says at all. God told them that they should still take up their positions. We still need to take our positions. We still need to start taking the steps that are necessary to win our battle, and then as we are in position God can open those doors necessary to win our battle. He can bring the right people in our path when we are ready to meet them, those divine connections that he has set in place for us. But we have to be ready for it when those instances come. If God has a divine connection for us, but we haven’t taken the steps to be ready when it arrives then we will not be able to do what God wants us to do. We can not be like the man that is on his roof in a flood and he cries out to God asking God to save him, but as the man sits there a row boat rows by and asks him to come in his boat, the man says “no, God is going to save me.” Then a helicopter flies by and they try to rescue him and he says, “no, God is going to save me.” Then the man dies and he asks God, why didn’t you save me? And God tells him I sent the rowboat and the helicopter, but you wouldn’t get in. God will fight for us and make a way- he will send us the rowboats and the helicopters when we need them, but we need to be willing to get in.

We need to remember Isaiah 1:19 that says “If you are willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land.” We must be willing to do our part, whatever our part is. Sometimes our part will just be the preparation and sometimes our part will be getting in there and fighting a good fight, but we must be obedient and willing to do whichever one God is leading us to at that time. When we come to a place where we feel we can’t do anything else, that may be a sign that we are trying to do all the fighting and not let God do any of the fighting for us. When fear starts to creep in when you are facing a trial, take a step back and pray asking God what you are supposed to do, and be quick to stop and let God handle the fight if he asks you to.

Confession/Prayer: Father God, We pray and thank you for fighting for us. Thank you that help us to win the battles that we are in. Help us to be sensitive to our part in the battles, and to recognize the times that we need to just stand still and let you fight. Help us to rest in you and give you glory in everything that you do for us. In Jesus Name, Amen

(http://narrowroadtravels.com/fearnotpt5.aspx)

And what's even funnier, after reading this devotional, I went back just to see if I could get onto the Love.Serve.Shine site & I could, no problems at all! God used a divine intervention to navigate me to this set of devotionals so that He could speak directly to me. It can be & is so exciting to be walking with the Lord daily!

So, what is He saying to me? How does this apply to me? This (adoption) is God's battle, not mine. I have to do everything *I* can to put myself in the position to adopt when He calls but once I have done what I can do I need to let go & let God fight this battle for me. There is only so much I can do. Only God can speak to both Mike & I, bringing us to the same page on adoption. Only God can fight the supernatural things that might be going on that I don't even know are out there. Only God can set up those divine connections & I just need to be in a position to be ready to accept them when they come.

Reminds me of one of my absolute favorite songs in the world...

As you can tell, I really love music. It just really speaks to me & this song is one of those really special songs to me.

And I thought it was going to be quiet around here! LOL

God is in Control!

2011-03-29T21:55:00.004-05:00

Last night, at an infertility support group that I am a part of we talked about the story of Joseph & how God is in control, no matter the circumstances or how things appear:

God is in control, not our husbands.
God is in control, not our children or parents.
God is in control, not our doctors.
God is in control, not our boss.
God is in control, not a terrorist.
God is in control, not infertility.

(Embracing God’s Design for Your Life, pg 120)

This particular study really spoke to me & I really feel like I can relate to Joseph so much. Like Joseph (Genesis 37-42), by all outward appearances my dreams are being "shattered" by infertility but in reality, I know that like Joseph, God is placing me in the position to fulfill my dreams & His perfect will for my life. I think I can understand how Joseph must must have felt... the pain, the hopelessness, the despair, the fear at various times along his journey.

For those that don't know the story of Joseph... his brothers threw him in a well b/c they hated him & then sold him to merchants. Then in Egypt, just when things start looking up again & he's blessed by the Lord, he's thrown in jail based on LIES of a seductive woman! For 10 years, Joseph was either a slave or in jail. Can you imagine what kind of things & questions might have crossed his mind during that time? I imagine that he just doesn’t understand what in the world is going on & wants to know “WHY?” He’s doing everything that God would want him to... he’s not giving into temptation, he’s being godly, he’s doing everything right & he’s being punished – “WHY?” Honestly this is how I have felt at times during my infertility struggle. I sometimes think that if I could just see the end of this road maybe it would be easier for me to get through the “here & now.”

But this story is a reminder that all this really happened to place Joseph EXACTLY where he needed to be so that God could make his dreams & the Lord's perfect plan come true. And this actually goes for me as well.

It is clear that no human being can destroy what God has purposed. While Joseph was in the waiting period of more than 10 long years, God was preparing him to serve. And Joseph cooperated.

Joseph could have sat around in despair for years wondering where things went wrong, but he didn’t. Instead, wherever he was, he used his God-given abilities to serve the people around him.

(Embracing God’s Design for Your Life, pg 118)

God is in control & is placing me exactly where I need to be to fulfill His perfect plan for my life & until that day comes, I will serve & praise Him. Reminds me of the John Waller song, While I'm Waiting.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
~ Philippians 4:13

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
~ Romans 5:3-5

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
~ Genesis 50:20 (part of the story of Joseph)

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
~ Psalm 121

Oh & then on my way home last night I heard a new song about God being in control. It just kinda "jumped" out at me, especially considering we JUST talked about God being in control just a few minutes before this song came on...

The 2nd verse is AWESOME!!! And let me tell you... God is sooooooo in control! I'll share another story later!

Faith

2011-03-27T15:25:00.004-05:00

I think God has really been focusing on building my faith since it seems that "faith" has been a recurrent theme in my life lately...

For my birthday a good friend gave me one of the sweetest birthday present's ever, a photo album with one of my all time favorite verses, Hebrews 11:1.

Isn't it absolutely beautiful & just the perfect shade of *baby* green?! I've decided that I'm gonna save this album & use it as my newborn photo album of our baby whenever the Lord so blesses us!

And then just a few days later (on March 17th) my other best friend bought me 3 decorative flower pots - Faith, Hope, & Love! But the story she tells is that when she walked in to this particular store, she saw the Faith pot clear across the store. That particular pot caught her eye & she HAD to get it. It was only when she got closer that she also grabbed the Hope & Love pots as well since the 3 just go together!

These are decorative pots & apparently, aren't meant to hold real plants (there's no drain hole in the bottom) but after my friend & I talked a little about faith (how you plant a little seed of faith in your heart & then care for & nurture it for it to grow) now I want to come up with a way to use them to grow real flowers. I'm bound & determined to do this & already have a few ideas up my sleeve! If you do have any ideas as well, please share (all ideas welcomed & appreciated ).

And then just a few days after that (March 19th), when I was watching Beth Moore on LIFE Today, guess what she was speaking on?! FAITH!!! I know He's preparing me for the journey ahead. I even took notes (which I typically don't do) & the one note that I took that really stood out was... "There will be plenty of opportunity to doubt & fear & disbelieve -> It's got to to appear as if this one is NOT going to come through - that is exactly when you have an opportunity to have a story that turns itself into a song."

Here's the entire video of Beth Moore, for your viewing pleasure... A Story Fit For a Song. I'm so excited to be walking this journey with the Lord!

And a few days after THAT, I heard a new song for the first time. I know it doesn't really speak about faith per se but it is such an AWESOME song & it really just speaks to me so much that I had to include it here as well...

Wow, that the Lord would speak to me the way He does simply amazes me sometimes!

The wait is over!

2011-03-26T12:24:00.008-05:00

AF is here (after being 5 days late no less )! I was hoping that maybe *she* would stay away but alas! So we *should* be going back to the RE for stronger meds (Follistim + Menopur + Ganirelix) but I do have an announcement...

Meds are over... I'm done with trying to conceive with medical assistance (& it feels soooooooooo good )! After the lap, you just can't tell me that I can't get pregnant. I can & I will if it's the Lord's will. AND the biggest announcement: I really feel like the Lord is calling us to adopt. Hubby isn't quite on the same page as me but I KNOW that if this is truly the Lord's will (as I believe it is) He will speak to Mike & bring Mike on board as well so I'm not toooooooo worried! I'll admit, I wish I could say that we were moving forward with adoption but right now we are in the "considering" stage.

We've actually already met with an agency... we attended an "information meeting" but I didn't really get the information I wanted from the meeting so I'm going to schedule an individual appointment with them & talk one on one. I did like them over all (though I knew I would), mostly because they are Christ-centered & this particular agency does offer at least one definite advantage over others... you don't lose your money if one adoption falls through, you can just transfer it to another adoption program within the organization. As they explained it, it's a ministry & they want to place children in loving, Christian homes.

If you're interested, below is the story of just how the Lord spoke to me & started changing my heart, opening it to adoption (& I do have to add that this is an AWESOME story, in my opinion anyway )...

Tuesday (Jan 18th) night, a friend on Facebook shared a video made by this girl who was adopted. It really moved me (& I even got teary-eyed) & I noticed in particular the verse she shared at the end of the video...

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
~ John 14:18

So then Wednesday morning during Austin's Science class (we homeschool) we often read scriptures with our Science book. One particular scripture really jumped out at me...

"Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies."
~ Romans 8:23

It was funny b/c in the back of my mind I thought, "Hmmmm... I wonder if I'll hear another 'adoption' scripture tomorrow." But again, I just kinda passed it off & went on about my day not thinking about it again.

THEN Thursday, again during Science class, we were trucking along (almost at the end of class) & all of a sudden I thought, "Hey, I haven't heard another 'adoption scripture' yet." The VERY next verse Austin read in science was...

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight."
~ Ephesians 1:4

And this scripture really jumped out at me. And it, I felt, was my "adoption" scripture (even though as you'll notice adoption isn't mentioned outright).

Anyway, so I wanted to mark these in my Bible & when I get to Ephesians guess what Ephesians 1:5 goes on to say...

"In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will."

At this point I KNEW... we're NOT getting pregnant (we were in our 1st month of trying to conceive naturally since the lap when all this happened) & notice, even 5 days late last cycle, we're still not pregnant. Why? I believe in every fiber of my being that God wants us to adopt.

I actually then called one of my best friends & she confessed to me that she had been having a sort of adoption feeling for me since BEFORE Christmas but she never said anything b/c she felt like that was my decision & was between me & God but when I broached the subject with her Thursday (Jan 20th), that's when she confessed. Specifically she said that anytime she sees adoption posters or advertisement, I just come to mind & she really believes it is the Holy Spirit speaking to her.

I, of course, would LOVE any child... biological or not but I'm going to confess here... adoption has always scared me. Mostly the money. I KNOW if God is in this, He will provide so I try not to think about it & lean on Him, having faith.

Anyway, so I've been thinking A LOT about adoption lately. Like, what kind of adoption does God want us to do? Embryo adoption (like I had wrote about several months ago... At the crossroads), traditional baby adoption (domestic or international), or traditional older child adoption (from foster care). I have always kinda felt pulled toward an older child (since I know a lot of people want babies, leaving the older children in the system who want nothing more than someone to love them) but God is softening my heart toward domestic adoption (I just can't give up the idea of having a baby right now... I do want to adopt an older child but in the future since I really feel like time is running out for a baby (I'm not getting any younger over here )) so right now I feel a pull toward domestic or embryo adoption, but which?

I'll definitely keep you posted but it could get quite around here for a little while, until there is something to update.

So, I'm going to leave you with 2 scriptures that really speak to me right now...

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
~Exodus 14:14

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
~1 Corinthians 2:9

Thank you, Jesus!

God's Perfect Timing!

2011-02-21T18:30:00.003-06:00

God is so good!!! I can barely believe it but as of today, we have the most beautiful crib in the world! Well, the most beautiful crib in my eyes anyway!

A close up of the headboard/backboard...

I bought this crib for my sister back when my niece was born years ago & now it's mine! And it's all thanks to God & HIS perfect timing...

My mom & sister (who live together) were moving & have been trying to move into this new place for MONTHS now. They wanted to be in before Christmas but alas that didn't happen... God's timing is never our timing, is it? So they finally got to move in just a little over a week ago. Well, my niece's birthday party was last weekend & after the party I dropped by their new place to look it over & I noticed that my niece's bed wasn't set up & instead another bed sat in it's place. I was, of course, a little confused. Long story short, the crib is a convertible crib & is supposed to convert to a full size bed but they couldn't figure out how to do that so they just set up ANOTHER bed & was going to get rid of the crib/bed but thankfully God worked it all out so that I'd show up when I did, notice that the bed was missing, & inquire into it which led to ME getting the bed. If they would have moved in earlier I may never have known about the crib & may never have gotten it but God knew & He worked it all out. Praise the Lord! We picked it up today & it isn't fully set up yet... we're still missing a few screws but I'm sure we can find them from a local hardware store or Babies R' Us (where we originally bought the bed in the first place).

One of the amazing things about this story though is just how much I ADORE this crib. I have ALWAYS loved this crib from the very beginning but I wanted to do something really special for my sister so I bought her the crib that I secretly longed to be buying for myself. And ever since buying this crib for her, every time I'd look at cribs online, dreaming of the day I'd finally get to buy one for myself, deep down I always kinda compared my sister's crib to whatever I might be looking at/dreaming of. I have never once been jealous really (I have always been very happy to have bought her such a beautiful crib) but this one has always been that "dream" crib for me... you know the one that you use to compare all other cribs to. Anyway, little did I know that I was actually buying that crib for myself way back when.

God is so good & this is a huge reminder that we are just one step closer to the baby that I know He is preparing JUST for us. Praise the Lord & thank you from the bottom of my heart! Only He knows what this truly means to me!

By the way, I know it's been a little quite around here lately... we are into the 2nd month of trying to conceive naturally. I will def update you when there is more to update.

And speaking of perfect timing, Elaine over on God's Faithfulness Through Infertility wrote an awesome post on God's timing & our asking "WHY?" It was just what I needed to hear last weekend & is a GREAT reminder of just how perfect His timing truly is... We always want answers as to “Why?”. Here is one.

I won my very first award!!! =)

2011-01-21T20:40:00.006-06:00

Thank you, Ashley... this is the highlight of my day!

Here are the rules for the acceptance of the award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Let's see, 7 things about me...

1. I LOVE lizards & am often called the lizard paparazzi by both my husband (Mike) & son (Austin) in the summer b/c I am ALWAYS taking pictures of them.

Here's just a few of my favorite pics that I have taken...

2. We (Mike, Austin, & I) love all kinds of animals & we do our very best to live alongside God's beautiful creatures. We had a family of snakes living under our porch over this past summer. I know most people would kill them but not us... we loved our little neighbors & would often go out looking for them, hoping to catch a glimpse of them sunning themselves. By the way, these were King snakes & not poisonous at all. Actually if you are going to have a family of snakes living nearby these are the ones you want b/c they eat the poisonous ones! LOL Oh & we even use mice cubes b/c we would prefer to not kill mice. We are just big animal lovers.

Here's a pic of one of our *neighbors*...

3. I'm a very crafty person. I love to paint & draw & other general crafts. I can do very basic knitting & want to learn to crochet as well. (Austin & I actually have an Arts & Crafts (business) blog if you wanna check out our *craftiness*... A&A Art.)

4. We homeschool... this is our 2nd year homeschooling & Austin is in 9th grade. I LOVE it & my only regret is that we didn't do it sooner.

5. I once dated a guy who was invited to appear on Jerry Springer!

6. I have recently gotten interested in America's Next Top Model (though not one of my absolute favorite shows). Now, if you know my personality, this show is a little out of character for me (I am so not a girly girl or even care about girly things like fashion, make-up, etc). I'm not sure why I like it but I do love to watch the models "do their thing" & see the results. It's art to me & it is kinda fun to see if I can guess who's going to get eliminated next.

7. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Uno & all forms of it. We have the original Uno card game, Uno Attack, & Uno Spin (probably my favorite of the 3). And I sooooooooo want Uno Flash!

And those who I am passing this award on to:

Adair
Amber
Augie
Brandi
Crystal
Elaine
Kari
Kristine
Mattie
Melissa
Melissa
Patti
Sibi
Stephanie
Tiffany

Dedicated in memory to my precious angel baby...

2011-01-16T06:15:00.000-06:00

on what would have been her 1st birthday...

First, I have to say that this is not a sad day but a happy day, though it will be filled with some tears. Happy because God chose us to care & love this precious child of His & chose us to carry this child during her short stay here on Earth. She is safe & happy in His arms, though Mommy, Daddy, & Big Brother all miss her dearly. She is God's perfect creation who was only meant to be here for 11 short weeks but in God's wisdom, He knew those 11 weeks would change our lives forever.

We love you & miss you so much sweet little one & I, personally, can not wait to get to know you in Heaven one day!

To the Child of My Heart

O precious, tiny sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to
come and join our family.

We never had the chance to play.
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you
And to listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
the child that we had.

But now you're gone . . .
but yet you're here.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
there's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never.
The child we had, but never had,
and yet will have forever.

In memory of Chloe Elizabeth*
Estimated due date, January 16, 2010
Date of loss, July 1, 2009
Remembering My Sweet Angel

5 years!

2011-01-10T21:29:00.004-06:00

2011 marks year number 5 on this infertility journey for us. It's funny but when we started this journey, sometime in 2006, I thought we'd get pregnant rather quickly. After all, Austin was a surprise so I knew I could get pregnant. Yeah, okay. LOL In the beginning (well, maybe about a year into it when I realized we weren't getting pregnant very easily) I was so lost, so depressed, so heartbroken. Why can't I get pregnant? What is wrong with me? With us? Am I a bad mother; is that why I can't get pregnant... because I'm a bad mother & God doesn't want me to have another? That last one weighed heavily on my heart for a long time. I thought something was wrong with ME & that God doesn't think I'm good enough so He was withholding this from me/us. I loved God but I didn't KNOW Him. I didn't understand this whole "Christianity" thing. I didn't understand the relationship part. I didn't understand that God was NOT withholding this blessing from me. I didn't understand that God only wants good for us & He loves us deeply. Words can't express the depth of the love He has for us, even in our fallen state (which is exactly where I was at during this time in my life), even before we accept Him.

But, as I have said in the past, God blessed me with infertility. Whoa, wait, what? Blessed, you ask. Yes, BLESSED! I would have never asked for infertility or wish it on anyone but He used infertility in my life to show me Him, His AWESOMENESS, & His power. He has used it to redeem me, to bring me to my knees in submission to Him & for that alone I am eternally grateful. He is growing me through this infertility... He is growing my character & molding me into Christ's likeness. He has greatly increased my faith & trust in Him. I see His hand all around me where before infertility, I knew & loved Him, though disobedient & wretched, but I didn't truly experience Him on a day to day basis like I do now. For example, just a few weekends ago, as I was shopping at the Thrift Store a book that I have been wanting since the beginning of this journey caught my eye... When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson. It wasn't even in the proper place so how & where I actually saw it was a miracle in itself. And then just a few days later I learned that our church is about to start a new women's Bible study... Jonah: Navigating A Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer. Now this is so special to me b/c I JUST went (last month) to a Deeper Still conference with Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, & Kay Arthur. I went for Beth Moore but was blessed by Priscilla Shirer. I'm telling you I was bawling by the time Priscilla Shirer quit speaking! She talked mostly about being in "the faith place" (that's where we feel compelled by God to do something & it's in THIS place that we have the potential to see miracles) & the "God margin" (we can only get so far w/o His help but that margin between what WE can do & the end goal is the "God margin" & is where He can step in & show out by performing miracles). Wow, I'm getting all teary-eyed just remembering how her words spoke to me that day.

Anyway, back to the original story... our church is going to start the Jonah study this coming Sunday & though initially I wanted to do her One In A Million study (I even got the One In A Million book for Christmas ), obviously God has other plans. Actually shortly after the the Deeper Still conference I was blog surfing on other infertility blogs & ran across Ashley over at Expecting Miracles & she just recently started this very same study. This study is obviously just something that is coming up a lot lately so I know God has big things planned for me through this study so I definitely don't want to miss out! Actually, watching the youtube video about how Priscilla Shirer's life was interrupted, has me soooooooooooooooo excited about this study.

It's not a divine interruption but a divine intervention & that is exactly what infertility is & has been. It isn't an accident & it has always only been for my good... to prosper me, not to harm me. Thank you, Jesus. I can't wait to see what is in store for me during the next several weeks as I go through this study.

Okay, last but not least, below are my notes from Priscilla Shirer during the Deeper Still conference. I wanted to record them here since they spoke to me so deeply & actually spoke directly on the subject of my infertility...

Faith without works (obedience) is dead.

When we feel compelled by God to do something, this is when we are called to the faith place (such as Esther, Jonah, Moses as he was parting the Red Sea). It is here where we have the potential to see miracles.

2 Kings 13:14-19
Elisha (his relationship with God) is their security but Elisha is dying & that security is quickly coming to an end. Don't concentrate on what we don't have & concentrate instead on what we do have (our bow & arrows). God's hand was placed on the king.

2 Chronicles 16:9

Be sure you hear from God.
"For every major decision, I have a particular verse for that decision."
~ Anne Graham Lotts
According to your faith, it will be done unto you. What you're willing to invest, you will get.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - In our weakness He is strong.

Why we don't lay it all down:
It doesn't make sense
Doubt
We don't want to look crazy
Insecurity/Plan B

We believe little because we've seen little & we've seen little because we believe little.

Psalm 20:7
Matthew 6:1

Others who have looked foolish throughout scripture:
Noah
Moses, parting the Red Sea
Sarah's pregnancy
David & Goliath
Peter walking on water
Marry's pregnancy
Isrealites & Jericho
Esther
Caleb
3 Wisemen
The boy & his fish feeding 5,000
Jesus on the Cross

Post-lap appt update

2011-01-05T17:45:00.006-06:00

So the appt went well. He went over the results (pics) with me & we talked some. Bottom line, we are going to try *au naturale* for 3 months & if I don't get pregnant, we'll come back in & do more meds. I LOVED the idea since I was kinda hoping that we'd get to try naturally for at least 1 cycle anyway. He did say that we have a better chance at getting pregnant now & even told me a story of another patient who was in a very similar situation as me & who is finally pregnant now & doing well. I'm hopeful that we might get pregnant naturally but regardless I KNOW God is by my side, holding my hand, carrying me through this. I will be okay, with His help, no matter what & I'm excited to see what He has in store for me!

Lookie, lookie...

2010-12-18T14:04:00.006-06:00

Lookie what I just bought today...

Isn't he just adorable!!! When I saw this little guy in Wal-Mart I fell in love & decided that I am going to buy him in faith that we will have a baby!!! It reminds me of something I read over on Pearls & Grace:

Something that helped to stretch my faith was to purchase those diapers and those sweet, little baby things. I have often encouraged friends and readers to do the very same thing and even place those diapers in the middle of the kitchen table like a centerpiece. I encouraged them to just thank God for the baby that is on it's way with each meal~ with each time they sit at the table. Just thank Him in advance for the sound of a baby in their house, for all the diapers they will have to change and for the sweetest and tiniest loads of laundry they will have to wash.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for blessing me with the baby I know I will have & for carrying me through the toughest times as I wait. Thank you so much for everything; for all You do!

Okay, one last "lookie"...

<--I was looking for a cute little emoticon to express love & found this... isn't it perfect, considering the circumstances!

Laprascopy Update

2010-12-11T19:44:00.008-06:00

Wow! I never realized just what a major surgery that would be (especially since I honestly thought this was going to be more exploratory than anything (I thought they wouldn't find anything wrong) but as usual, I was I wrong ). I'm so much better today than I was yesterday though. Yesterday I felt like I had been run over by a truck!

First off, yay that the procedure got bumped up from 11:30 am to 9 am b/c of a cancellation ahead of me! Actually, I think God knew he'd need extra time on me or something. I'm not sure how long the procedure actually took but Mike said they wheeled me away at about 9:30 & the dr didn't come back to talk to him till 11:30 & then it was 3 pm before we got to go home so all in all, a very long day. *sigh* I call Monday to make a follow up appointment in approximately 2 weeks so be on the lookout for another update then!

So apparently it was a MESS in there & according to Mike the first thing out of Dr S's mouth was how he didn't know how in the world I got pregnant last year & how it was a miracle that we did get pregnant considering what he found during my lap. My ovary & tube were attached to my abdominal wall so he got to work & detached them & put them back where they belong. Woo-hoo! But I'm still not sure if it really helped in terms of "was this the reason I've been having such a hard time getting pregnant" since I know he feels that my ovary is just kaput. He never mentioned to Mike that this lap might help us get pregnant... he only said that he didn't know if we could get pregnant but I know I can get pregnant with God's help... I did before with my ovary in such a difficult place. Go God!

Now for the TMI/possibly gross part... the pictures! But be forewarned: (though honestly I think it's pretty cool--that's why I'm sharing )

Oh & something else interesting... I haven't heard anything embryo donation from Resolve in a loooooooooooong time (apparently about a month) & guess what they posted yesterday... the day of my lap!? Another embryo donation video....Multiple Embryo Donations....& on such an important day in my trying to conceive journey too. I just wanted to document it but for now we are moving forward with meds unless the Lord guides us otherwise. After meds, I honestly don't know what we'll do since we're waiting on God's wisdom. We'll just have to wait & see what the Lord has in store, I guess! Regardless though, I know He's carrying us through this & preparing us for great things!!!

Pre-Admission Testing - Check!

2010-11-30T19:23:00.000-06:00

So I went yesterday to register with the hospital & let them draw some blood & other such things in preparation for my upcoming laprascopy. The pre-admission building wasn't too hard to find though I do have a pretty ironic story about that...

I have never been to this particular building before so of course I used my handy dandy GPS to find it (I LOVE that thing ). Anyway, I turned into the wrong parking lot. I turned into a small shopping area in the adjacent lot next to the building I was looking for. Simple mistake so I go to turn around & as I do I see a local baby furniture store. *sigh* I sat there a minute & took a deep breathe, just staring at the store front. "One day," I told myself, "One day!" (Though I'm not going to lie... some days are better than others. )

Okay so the appointment itself wasn't too bad but apparently this is more of a major surgery than I initially thought. They gave me a little device to use to help get the anesthesia out of my lungs after the surgery (which of course I wasn't really expecting but then again I've never had this done before so what do I know about what to expect ). Apparently it's called an incentive spirometer:

I haven't had one of these things in a loooooooooooong time. Anyway, nothing much to update... we're just one step closer to surgery!

Thanksgiving! =)

2010-11-22T19:26:00.005-06:00

Wow, what a difference a year makes! I remember a year ago yesterday was a really hard day for me. We had our Thanksgiving fellowship service at church yesterday & a year ago that happened to fall shortly after I had first been referred to the RE, which was a really low point on this journey for me. I thought this trying to conceive journey was over for us b/c seeing an RE meant mucho moolah, which we don't have. It was around that time (well shortly after) that we decided to take a medical assistance break & wait on the Lord but I remember that morning's service like it was yesterday... I was in tears in the middle of our praise & worship, hoping & praying that no one saw my pain. I could barely sing anything b/c my heart hurt so much. I think I hid it from everyone pretty well except for my best friend who obviously caught on.

Yesterday's service was so much better though... it was a happy time for me. Yeah, I still want a baby but the Lord is growing my faith & trust in Him by leaps & bounds over the past year. I am so very thankful for that & for all His provisions. He is ALWAYS providing... just recently, new tires on my car & the means to pay for them. I am thankful for the way that He is changing both myself & my husband's heart. He is obviously preparing both of us for GREAT things. I can't believe the changes I have seen in both of us... we are both growing closer to God AND to each other. And that just reminds me of a quote that I recently found online that has quickly become a favorite:

"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
~ Author Unknown

I'm so glad that we have such a big & awesome God & I am so very thankful for His grace, mercy, provisions, & protection even when we can't see the road ahead of us. Speaking of not being able to see the road ahead, our insurance is about to change in 2011 but I am not stressing. Instead I am trusting God & leaning on Him. It could easily be a very scary time... will the new insurance cover Follistim? And if so, will it cost the same or more (or maybe even less)? I don't know but I know that God will see us through this.

G sang an AMAZING song that really really spoke to my heart yesterday during our Thanksgiving service as well that I just have to share...

Thank you Lord, for the way that you love us! How you love us. I love you so much... more than anything & more than my desire to have a baby.

It came, it came...

2010-11-16T12:38:00.007-06:00

Bet you're wondering, "What in the world is she talking about???" I entered a drawing on another blog...

...for a chance to win an awesome infertility book, Budgeting for Infertility by Sterling & Best-Boss & I won!!! Well, I just got it in the mail today & the most special part... a note from Jess:

Amanda,

Hope that you find this book helpful. Praying that 2011 brings your miracle!

Jess

Thank you so much Jess, for the giveaway & for the prayers. I know God is carrying me through this. This book is yet another of His blessings in my life & I am so excited to get started reading it.

Laparoscopic surgery has been scheduled! =)

2010-11-04T15:48:00.002-05:00

Surgery will be on Friday, December 10th @ 11:30 am but of course I have to be there at 9:30 am. I'm somewhat excited & very nervous! I just don't like surgeries.

At the crossroads...

2010-11-01T04:58:00.011-05:00

Wow, the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I need prayers for guidance & wisdom right now... to know the Lord's will & more specifically for Mike to clearly hear God's will on this as well. So, what's going on, you may ask...

Last update, as you may remember, was that we were going to do a laparoscopic surgery then on to more, stronger medicine. Well, *that* night (Oct 7th) as I lay in bed praying, asking the Lord, "What do YOU want me to do?" I had the random thought pop into my head, "Embryo Adoption/Donation." I didn't think much of it at first, since IVF has always been out in my mind, but just a few days later (Oct 13th, okay about a week later ) Resolve started a video campaign on Facebook on Embryo Donation... Embryo Donation 101. That's when my eyes & ears perked up & I asked the Lord, "Are you trying to tell me something?" Since then a lot of things have been pointing in that direction... I found an amazing Embryo Adoption/Donation blog (A Greater Yes) with lots of valuable info (I found this blog without even really looking for it... I was blog surfing on other infertility blogs & this is the 1st time that I recall ever coming across an Embryo Adoption/Donation blog), another friend posted on her blog about being named the recipient of a friend's embryos should something happen to them, I am seeing a lot of info/programs on adoption related topics (on FaceBook from Focus on the Family & Family Talk with James Dobson & then when I do a google search on a phrase that really shouldn't necessarily be linked with adoption I find all kinds of adoption articles... adoption is ALL around me now).

So I fasted & prayed Saturday, the 23rd, for guidance & wisdom. I want ONLY His will for my life & this journey but I have been kinda confused lately. I do & have said many times, I do think we will have a baby & I do think I will even carry that baby but has He told me that it will def be a biological child... I'm just not sure (of course "biological" is what I assumed but re-examining it, I just can't say that He said it would be biological for a fact).

I 100% believe that I can get pregnant, if it were His will. 100 mg Clomid WORKED & then after the m/c we tried 100 mg again & it failed so we upped the Clomid to 150 mg & again it failed (my progesterone actually went down) & then the next cycle at my 1st RE appt, the RE took my progesterone to "just see" & I ovulated (no medication at all) according to him (Spontaneous Ovulation? What?!?)! So then we go on to Follistim (150 IUs) which is a stronger drug than Clomid with no success. We then even upped the Follistim dose (225 IUs) with no success. I KNOW it could/would have worked had the Lord's will been for it to work. So now I'm at a crossroads... 1) I can either continue down the road of medical assistance, possibly wasting more & more money; 2) I can stop & wait on Him to will my ovary to work & get pregnant somewhere down the road naturally (hopefully); or 3) I can go with embryo adoption/donation. Of course the last option is a little expensive (granted not nearly as expensive as regular IVF or adoption but still somewhat expensive nonetheless).

The good thing about embryo donation though is that it bypasses some of the problems that adoption would have entailed & why I thought we couldn't/wouldn't be able to adopt in the 1st place (2nd injectables cycle RE follow up appt). And a life that could have never had the chance to live will be given the chance at life. The down side is that donation (verses adoption) means the baby most likely will never know his/her biological parents since most donations are closed & not open (this really only concerns me b/c EVERYTHING I read says open is ALWAYS better for the child & that bothers me only b/c as every parent does... I want what's best for my child but at the same time I KNOW that if the Lord has called me to do donation then this IS what's best for my child). The other down side is money, of course (though, again, if this is the Lord's will, money won't be an issue AND I do think if I organize a yard sale or 2 I could raise 4-5 thousand (the Lord willing), which is approximately what it looks like it will cost).

Someone brought up the fact that Sarah (Abraham's wife) did something very similar when she got frustrated and tired of waiting for God and took the situation into her own hands by giving Abraham her maidservant so that she could *adopt,* which as you probably know, didn't turn out very well for anyone. I'm very glad that M brought this to my attention because I do NOT want to make the same mistake as Sarah & the fact that M brought it up shows how loving & caring she is... she doesn't want me to make the same mistake either. I only want God's will & M is 100% right about what Sarah did & how it turned out. I guess that is why I am taking this so seriously... WHICH WAY DO I GO???

I did find an AMAZING online Bible study on Sarah Saturday night as I was fasting & praying & then Sunday morning's (Oct 24th) sermon was on Abraham & Sarah (I have ALWAYS felt a connection to Sarah more so than any other barren female in the Bible) & one of my favorite stories (Abraham taking Isaac up the mountain to sacrifice him; where he learned that "The LORD Will Provide" (R&R at Fort Walton Beach))...

I'm going to list the Bible study toward the bottom since it's kinda long.

My notes from Sunday's sermon (Oct 24th)...

"'Soul'ed Out Kids"
Genesis 22 & Deuteronomy 32 (concentrating on verses 44-47, 1-4, & 28-29)

Raising "Soul"ed Out Kids:
Be willing to take the right journey. Genesis 22:3
Worship the giver not the gift. Genesis 22:5
If we worship the gift it becomes an idol.
Trust God will provide. Genesis 22:5
Remember our child's purpose is to be a blessing to God. Genesis 22:18
Teach them to truly live. 1 Peter 1:18-20
Tough Questions for Parents:
What would your kids say is most important to you?
What am I teaching my kids?
Do I truly understand that my kids are to be a blessing to God?

And it doesn't end there. Yesterday's service (Oct 31st) REALLY spoke to me as well.

Exodus

The "wilderness" is a place of growth, a place of testing & stretching by God. Something BIG is about to happen & He's preparing you for it.

The Greek or Hebrew word (can't remember which) for "wilderness" is "milbar" which means a desert & literally means "driving you." It is a place of solitude; it is uncultivated & deprived of help of others.

We need to learn to run to God & rely on Him, not on our friends.

Worship is not about us.

3 Keys:
Celebrate God in the wilderness. Exodus 5:1
Serve God. Exodus 7:16
Sacrifice to God. Exodus 8:27
They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” ~ Exodus 14:11-14 (emphasis on what spoke to me most is mine )

Which if you've read my blog for long, you know that I firmly believe this time in my life is MY wilderness (CD 12 Update) & actually I've heard a great song about "the wilderness" lately...

And now, the Bible study I promised...

Bible Study Guide: Sarah and Grace, Called and Chosen

Part I Sarah's Example (completed on October 23, 2010)

1. Genesis 11:27-32;20:12 Describe Sarai's family situation. Married to her half brother. Was barren (childless).

2. Genesis 12:4 How old is Abram when he leaves Haran for Canaan? Compare Genesis 17:1 to 17:17 How old is Sarai compared to Abram? Abram is 75 when he leaves Haran. Sarai is 10 years younger than Abram. I'm 10 years younger than Mike.
3. Genesis 12:10-20 Do you think Abram could have handled this situation in a different way? Why did God protect and rescue Sarai? I def think Abram could have handled it differently. God protected & rescues Sarai b/c He had made a covenant with Abram to bless (& protect) Abram.

4. Genesis 15:1-6; Galatians 3:6 What was the foundation of Abraham's relationship with God? Faith!!!

5. Genesis 16:1-16 What is Sarai's solution to their inability to conceive a child? What were the results? Sarai gave Abram her maidservant, Hagar, so she could "adopt." The results were disastrous - Sarai & Hagar were miserable.

6. Genesis 17:1-27 List God's covenant promises to Abram (Abraham). What was Abram's part of the bargain? List God's covenant promises to Sarai (Sarah). Compare the two lists. Name the similarities. What came first - the covenant or the sign of the covenant? (See Genesis 15:18)
Covenent promises to Abraham:
* He would be the father of many nations *
* He will be fruitful *
* He will make many nations & many kings *
Canaan would be an everlasting possession
The covenant would be everlasting
God would be Abraham's descendants' everlasting God
Abraham's part of the bargain:
Him & every male of his household much undergo circumcision
All his male descendants must be circumcised
Covenent promises to Sarah:
* She will be blessed *
* She will have a son *
* She will be the mother of nations & of kings *
Similarities are marked with an astrick (*).
The covenant comes first (before the sign of circumcision) but why is this important? What does it mean? What significance is there?

7. Genesis 18:1-15; 19:1 Who were the visitors? What was Sarah promised? The visitors were angels. Sarah was promised that she WOULD have a child. I have to add something about this particular scripture:
Then the LORD said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son."
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?" ~ Genesis 18:10-12
Right now, I think I can kinda understand Sarah's laughing. I mean she has gone years & years & years & has even moved on with her life & NOW she's going to get pregnant.

8. Genesis 20:1-17 Why would Abraham once again put Sarah at risk? Do you think Abraham and Sarah more than anyone else deserved to be blessed of God? Why would God once again rescue Sarah from the consequences of their foolish actions? And why would he prosper them as well? I do think they should be GREATLY blessed & maybe even a *little* more than others but I'm not sure really. I do trust God to bless them as much as they deserve & me (& others) as much as we should be. He prospers them b/c of the covenant he made with Abraham.

9. Genesis 21:1-7; Galatians 4:22-23 How old were Abraham and Sarah when Isaac was born? Why would God wait so long to keep his promise? Abraham was 100 & Sarah was 90 when Isaac was born. He waited because He was preparing Abraham & Sarah for the assignment (being the father & mother of many nations).

10. Genesis 21:10-12; Galatians 4:30; 5:4-6 What do Sarah's prophetic words mean? What makes a person a child of promise - child of the free woman Sarah? Sarah's words mean that you can't live by the law & faith both. Is is one or the other. Faith (expressing itself through love) makes a person a child of promise.

Part II Called to be Saints (completed on October 24, 2010)

(The New Strong's Expanded Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible gives these definitions of 2821 klesis (calling) klesis: an invitation, vocation, or calling; and 40 hagios (saints) hagios: sacred, consecrated, separated from sin, devoted to God, saints)

1. Romans 1:1-5 What was the Apostle Paul invited to become and what was he invited to do? He was invited to become an apostle & to call people from the Gentiles to obedience by faith (i.e. obedience to the Lord for the Gentiles or saving their souls).

2. Romans 1:5-7 What four facets of God's invitation (calling) are revealed in this passage?

We've received grace & apostleship to call Gentiles (unbelievers) to the obedience that comes from faith (preach the good news of Jesus).
We/you are ALSO among those called to belong to Jesus.
Grace & peace is ours from God our Father.
Grace & peace is ours from the Lord Jesus Christ.
3. Romans 8:28-30; I Corinthians 1:2 What is God's purpose in extending his invitation or calling? To sanctify us, to make us holy, to justify & glorify us. Most importantly, I think, to conform us into the likeness of Jesus (so that He (Jesus) will be the firstborn among many brothers (& sisters)).

4. I Corinthians 1:26-31; Matthew 9:12-13 Who is God inviting? And why? God is inviting the foolish, the average, the lowly, the weak, sinners. Why? Because sinners need to be redeemed not righteous & because He uses the foolish/average/lowly/weak things to shame & nullify the wise/above-average/high/strong of this world so that no one can boast unless they "boast in the Lord."

5. Ephesians 4:1-3; II Thessalonians 1:11-12 What are the responsibilities that a person accepts along with God's invitation? Live a life worthy of Him & His calling by being humble, gentle, patient, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to keep the peace with other believers, glorify Him, FAITH!!!

This particular scripture really spoke to me in this verse:
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that by his power he may fulfill every act prompted by your faith. ~ 2 Thessalonians 1:11 (somewhat adapted by me)
6. Ephesians 1:18-21; 2:4-10 What are the benefits of accepting God's invitation? HOPE!!! Riches (in heaven), His great power & mighty strength in our lives. We have a calling (a purpose in life). His GREAT love, His mercy. We are alive in Christ now even though we were once dead in sin. His grace. Eternal life in heaven with Jesus. His kindness, His gifts.

7. II Peter 1:3-11; Hebrews 3:1 How can you “make your calling and election sure?” (II Peter 1:10) Keeping your thoughts on Jesus & always seeking to increase your faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness & love.

Part III God's Chosen

1. Acts 13:16-41 Why did God choose (v.17) the fathers of the people of Israel? (v.23) Why should this be important to you? (v.38-41) Why did He chose the fathers? (???) to bring forth Jesus. This should be important because through Jesus, everyone who believes in Him is forgiven of sin.

2. Matthew 22:1-14 Why, since many are invited, would few be chosen? (???) Some are not worthy of the calling (not worthy to be chosen). Of course none of us are "worthy" so I don't know.

3. I Thessalonians 1:4-6 How does God invite and choose his people? He invites us through His Word (the Gospel) & chooses us through the Holy Spirit (by giving us the Holy Spirit).

4. Colossians 3:1-4:1; I Thessalonians 1:7-10; John 15:16-17; I Peter 2:9-12 What is expected from God's chosen people? Set your hearts & minds on things above rather than on earthly things, be a model to all believers, speak the Lord's message, show your faith in God everywhere you go, turn from idols & serve the one TRUE God, go & bear fruit, love each other, praise Him, abstain from sinful desires, & live good lives.

5. John 17:24-26; Revelation 17:14; 21:1-7; 22:12 Do you want to be one of the “called, chosen and faithful followers” who receive a reward from God and Jesus, the Lord of lords and King of kings? Yes!!! Revelations 21:1-7 spoke most to me, especially, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son" (4a, 6b-7).

6. Acts 2:37-41; John 3:3-21; John 4:10, 13-14; James 2:21-24 What steps must a person take to accept God's invitation and then be chosen by him to become one of his faithful followers? Repent & be baptized. Ask for forgiveness of your sins. Believe & trust Jesus for eternal life. Faith & ACTION. If we do these things, He sill place His seal (Holy Spirit) on us. Obedience.

7. Isaiah 55:6-7 What advice does God give the procrastinator? Seek the Lord while He is near & may be found (i.e. don't wait until it's too late).

All I can say is, "Your will be done, Lord... not mine, but yours!"

Wave of Light & RE appt update...

2010-10-16T19:06:00.004-05:00

Starting with the RE appt...

There really isn't much to update since all it was was a pap & a physical but I did ask about the possibility of taking a GnRH antagonist (Ganirelix) when we do meds (Follistim, 300 IUs & Menopur, 150 IUs) again in order to prevent a premature LH surge & he said that was reasonable & basically told me to ask again after the laparoscopy (still no set date yet but we did discuss a few possible dates & will call back this week to schedule it in November, maybe December) but he wrote it in his notes so I think it will probably happen. Oh & he did mention that I get the favorite patient of the year award. Apparently he likes my questions.

One somewhat comical thing that happened was his *personality test,* as he put it. LOL He never told me how to put the gown on when it came time to get ready for my exam. I actually noticed that little fact & even asked the nurse, which she replied to just do whatever is most comfortable for me. She mentioned that most ladies put it on with the ties in the back. Well, I actually tried that & it just wasn't very comfortable with my back & butt hanging out so I reversed the gown with the ties in the front but of course I clutched the open flaps to keep the front tightly closed so nothing was exposed. Sooooooo, all this to say that according to his *personality test,* I am shy on the outside but wild on the inside. LOL Yeah, okay.

And now for the Wave of Light...

Yesterday, as you may already know, was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day (part of October's Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Month) & in honor of that, last night was the Wave of Light...

My candle in remembrance of my sweet angel baby (& all the other precious angles as well)...

2nd injectables cycle RE follow-up appt update

2010-10-07T18:35:00.005-05:00

Well, he doesn't believe this 2nd cycle produced a premature LH surge as I originally thought. I thought that because the estradiol went down from CD 12 to 13 that I had an LH surge but he said that it wasn't a huge decrease AND the "dirty little secret," as he put it, of labs is that they aren't 100% accurate... that you can take another sample from the same blood & get a completely different number. Anyway, all this to say that he thinks the decrease this time was just one of those funny things & he really questions my ovarian function. My ovary is defective... obviously. A nurse suggested a laparoscopic surgery just to check for scar tissue & look around to see if there is anything going on that might need fixin' (mostly because my ovary is difficult to see/find during my ultrasounds). This will also optimize the equipment, I guess, in order to hopefully get pregnant. Then the next step is an even higher dose (the maximum) of Follistim & the addition of another drug, Menopur, to hopefully stimulate my ovary into actually working. Now if I respond well & produce follicles then he said IVF could be considered in the future; however, if I don't respond well to this treatment & only produce 1 or 2 follicles then we'd have to consider IVF with donor eggs.

I had decided at the beginning of this journey that IVF was out completely. I just think for us that if we have to cross the IVF bridge we should seriously consider adoption at that point & I never wanted to have to consider IVF. Of course I have serious reservations about adoption as well. I'm going to come out & tell you & confess my fears... I would LOVE to adopt but I fear that no one would come into this house with these dogs & allow it. We have 8 dogs & at least 1 isn't the most people friendly dog in the world. He's the sweetest dog you have ever seen if you are a part of this family but if you're not he's a butt (he just barks a lot & I mean a lot) but he is only protecting his family, if you know what I mean. By the way, the dog I'm referring to is a lab mix & is my baby (I've included a pic of him below - this one is when he was only a few years old). So for now, adoption isn't the best option either.

Okay, so back to having a baby... I go back in a week to have my yearly pap & a physical, at which point I'll schedule the surgery. We didn't discuss it but he did write in his notes the possibility of an IUI in the future, probably to optimize my chances. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I guess.

I've been thinking about how Clomid worked last year & now it hasn't worked since & how Follistim hasn't even been working & how I even ovulated on my own without Clomid before starting Follistim yet didn't get pregnnat & what all this means & such. Soooooooo, I really, really think that the Lord wants me to see just how hopeless it is (natureally) so that when it does happen I will know that it was HIS hand & no medication in the world that resulted in our pregnancy. I think he's growing my faith through this; He's teaching me about Him through my experience. And I believe we WILL get pregnant as the result of His promise (like Abraham) & not as the result of any natural or ordinary means but strictly as the result of HIS promise. I am hanging tightly to this...

"For it is written that Abraham had two sons, one by the slave woman and the other by the free woman. His son by the slave woman was born in the ordinary way; but his son by the free woman was born as the result of a promise."
~ Galatians 4:22-23

All the way home from my appointment today I listened to & sang one of my favorite songs, Mountain Mover (which I've already mentioned before but I wanted to mention again since it just has so much meaning for me right now)...

I’ve got a problem (infertility) in my pathway.
I feel I’m frozen here.
The doubts (will I ever have a baby, what if...) are circling high above me
But in the shadow of my fear
The fire of faith is stirring
Growing inside of me
Reminding me of something
I already believe…

My God is a mountain mover.
My God's gonna make a way.
Can't count all the times He's proven we can trust Him; just have faith.
Take a hopeless situation, watch Him turn it all around.
Nothing is impossible; I can't hold back, I've gotta shout!
My God, my God, my God is a mountain mover!

I will get pregnant & when I do it will be because of HIS promise & because He had his hand on my ovary, willing it to work but it won't be because I found the specific method or cure of sorts for me & my infertility. Praise Him for the miracle He is about to perform.

AF showed right on schedule this morning =(

2010-10-05T06:25:00.002-05:00

So obviously this isn't *the* cycle. I was so hopeful it would be too. RE appt Thursday, yay! *insert sarcasm here* Sorry ... I'm just getting tired of this ride & I want off plus I'm a little concerned about what he's going to say/suggest Thursday. Injectables are NOT going like they should. I keep having a premature LH surge. The one thing I can say from this journey is that it was a miracle that I got pregnant with Austin almost 15 years ago, it was a miracle that I got pregnant last year with only the help of Clomid & it will be a miracle if I EVER get pregnant again. And when I say "miracle," I mean a divine miracle from God Himself. There is no way it will ever happen again for me without His hand & His will.

I will say though that I'm taking it better than I did even just a year ago. I know that God's will is always best for us so this is the best path for me. And I'm believing that it WILL happen but it just looks so hopeless at times. Of course that's usually when the Lord steps in & delivers a miracle. I just have to keep reminding myself of these 2 facts.

Reflections

2010-09-26T13:30:00.002-05:00

Something really struck me that our pastor said this morning at church:

You have to be willing to suffer for the sake of the kingdom like Jesus did.

It was part of a sermon about how Jesus died to give us an abundant life.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done.
~ Matthew 16:24-27

Infertility is my suffering for the kingdom's sake & I can honestly say that I see "kingdom work" all around me in my land of infertility & loss. There has been so much good to come out of my infertility & yes, even miscarriage, that it is unimaginable almost. I have met, reached out, & comforted so many who are on this road with me & I hope they see/saw Jesus through me. If this is my road to become like Jesus then, Lord, I will gladly bear this cross that you have made for me. All I ask is that You give me the strength to bear it because without your strength the burden is too heavy to bear alone but I know with You, all things are possible.

Jesus overcame the world when He died on the cross for us. He overcame death & sickness & even disease such as infertility. The Lord IS sufficient although Satan wants us to think otherwise, Satan wants us to get so depressed & in despair over our brokenness, over not being able to have a baby, that he (Satan) wins by ruining our joy in Jesus.

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
~ James 1:16-17

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
~ John 10:10

What about you? Do you believe Jesus? Do you believe He overcame the world? Are you willing to suffer for the kingdom's sake? Are you letting Satan destroy your joy? As for me, I'm willing to follow Jesus despite the cost & I refuse to let Satan win. I hope you do too.

Much love,

Prediction...

2010-09-25T06:30:00.002-05:00

So Austin said the other day that this will be our cycle! I, of course, asked him how he knew & he said God told him it was. Oh I hope it is!

By my best guess though, I really think I ovulated early Wednesday (Sept 22nd) morning (I had what could have been very mild ovulation pains). Of course this is only a few hours after taking my trigger shot so I really have no idea. I think you are supposed to ovulate 36-48 hours after trigger but because of my declining estradiol level Tuesday morning maybe I started ovulating on my own yet again. Now I wish I would have taken my basal temps this cycle so I'd have a better idea of exactly when I ovulated but honestly, I got lazy. All these tests, procedures, charts, & such month after month after month after month are just sooooooooooooo draining & you get tired of it. I'm tired of taking my temp at 4 am every morning, disrupting my sleep. I'm tired of the tests & procedures & "trying" so hard because we've got so much money invested into this so I was lazy this cycle & didn't take my temps.

Although, doing a Google search, I did find some interesting info which may explain some of what is going on with me:

Case: 34 year old G1 P1 undergoing a cycle of controlled ovarian hyperstimulation with intrauterine insemination (COH/IUI) has 8 ovarian follicles measuring about 14-15 mm in diameter (with several smaller follicles), good interval (daily) growth of follicles, and a drop in estradiol concentration from 1025 pg/mL to 800 pg/mL in the past day (without a change in the dose of FSH containing medication).

Question: What is the significance of this drop in estradiol concentration and what should be recommended at this time?

Answer: The estradiol concentration usually continues to rise (without decreasing) throughout most of ovarian follicular maturation and then will drop sharply immediately (about one day) prior to ovulation. This woman's drop in estradiol concentration most likely signals the onset of the LH surge and impending ovulation. One exception would be if the dosage of FSH containing medication was recently decreased, in which case the estradiol concentration often decreases due to lower production by the smaller follicles (the larger follicles continue to grow and produce estradiol).

If ovulation was triggered by the woman's own LH surge this cannot be "reversed" or prevented. Therefore, I generally complete ovulation with the hCG (profasi) injection and plan an intrauterine insemination if there are follicles greater than 12-14mm diameter (size at which mature eggs commonly exist).

http://www.thenewjerseyovulationcenter.com/normal_events_cases.php

Hmmmmmm... I have always ovulated in a sense on my own so is this really that surprising? Yeah, technically I'm anovulatory (i.e. the absence of ovulation) but I have regular 26-28 day cycles, normal luteal length of about 12 days, I've always gotten + OPKs, killer ovualation pains each month, & a thermal temp shift every cycle I have temped. The only reason we know I have ovulation problems is my progesterone is never high enough, indicating ovulation, when we test it after having supposedly ovulated; thus indicating ovulatory dysfunction. And that brings us to one of my favorite books, Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, which states, when referring to "Luteal Phase Problems," pgs 178-179:

There are basically 3 different types of problems that can occur, all of which are usually a reflection of a dysfunctional ovulatory problem:
...
The luteal phase appears to be a normal length, but the amount of progesterone is not optimal to produce an ideal uterine environment for implantation.
...

So, am I ovulating or not? I'm honestly not real sure what all of this means exactly but I just found it interesting & am kinda "thinking out loud," I suppose. TCOYF also does mention getting prolactin checked as a possible cause of luteal phase defects.

All I know, & have said before, is that it will be an absolute miracle if, no when, we get pregnant. So I just have to end this post on a positive note... if our miracle bean does join our family this cycle, my due date should be on or around June 15th (God-willing)!

CD 13 update... Triggering tonight!!!

2010-09-21T14:45:00.001-05:00

Sooooooooo... my ultrasound this morning went AMAZING!!! I have 7 follies & 1 is mature at 18 mm. Go me!!! No, scratch that... Go God!!! He is the ONLY reason this cycle is working at all. He may be using injectables to achieve a pregnancy (like He used Clomid last cycle) but there is no doubt in my mind that it is solely Him at work here & not medicine. Without His will this cycle would fail just like every other medicated cycle that has failed (all of them except 1, that is). The glory belongs to Him & Him alone! Praise the Lord. I am so excited. This just might be THE cycle.

My estradiol level went down (from 480 yesterday to 379 today) which is probably not the greatest news but I'm still excited that we got the go ahead to trigger.

If this isn't the cycle his nurse told me that he wants to see me BEFORE starting a new cycle so my next appt is set for Oct 7th at 9 am. Uh-oh, I'm in trouble! My body is apparently just not very cooperative or something & he is probably going to want to discuss other options or surgery or something, I don't really know but that's my guess. Lord, please let this work!

I listened & sang along (loudly) to one of my favorite songs that our choir sings, Mountain Mover (if you listen to the demo though I just wanted to add that our choir sounds so much better than the demo... we have an AWESOME choir ), this morning & yesterday morning right before my appointment & again after my appointment this morning. I'm believing that God is going to move this mountain & we WILL get pregnant.

Let me share a few of the lyrics that just really speak to me from that song...

My God is a mountain mover.
My God's gonna make a way.
Can't count all the times He's proven we can trust Him; just have faith.
Take a hopeless situation, watch Him turn it all around.
Nothing is impossible; I can't hold back, I've gotta shout!
My God, my God, my God is a mountain mover!

I just LOVE singing this song!!!

CD 12 update

2010-09-20T15:50:00.002-05:00

Sooooooooo... My estradiol level is 480, uterine lining is AWESOME, & I had about 6 follies that they saw, with the biggest at about 7 mm. And she didn't see any cysts/endometrioma this time! Now I don't know if it is because the cyst is truly gone or if they just couldn't see it because of how my ovary is positioned. Plus because of my ovary positioning & it being difficult there could be follies hiding that they couldn't see so I'm not sure if 7 mm is truly the biggest follie or if there is one hiding that is bigger or not but because the estradiol level went up (148 on CD 9 to 480 today) there is apparently follicular growth so we take another dose of Follistim tonight & go back tomorrow. Of course, if you remember from the last injectable cycle, day 12 is the day that I ovulated so I'm hoping & praying that history DOESN'T repeat itself & that I DON'T ovulate today, though as I sit here typing this I feel slight twinges in my ovary so only time will tell. Oh & just for reference my estradiol on CD 12 last cycle was 538 but I'm not worried... I'm trusting God.

As I was sitting in the waiting room (before my ultrasound) though I was reading the last few pages of a wonderful book, Esther by Charles Swindoll, & wanted to share part of what I read that really spoke to me there in the waiting room (pgs 195-196):

[Heaven's] where all arguments, suffering, disabilities, handicaps, brokenness, losses, tears, & tragedies will cease. That's where God will reign triumphant, in glory & majesty. That's where Christ will be the light & where we shall see Him as He is. No longer by faith--but by sight. No longer in hope but in absolute reality.

Lord, bring us back to the ancient message Esther portrays for us in her book. It's the same one that Jesus Christ not only declared but modeled. Bring us back to the One who is indeed our victor. Show us the importance of a humble spirit & true character. Give us a sense of satisfaction in being in Your plan, regardless of what that may mean for us on this earth. Give us the faith to trust You, even when You seem removed & distant. Fill us with hope as we anticipate the end that is sure to come. In the meantime, dear Father, make us responsible people who, like Esther, have been placed in our particular circumstances "for such a time as this," that we might carry Your message to a whole world. Give us her kind of courage & strength & dignity. And in that process, Lord, keep us from relying on our own ingenuity & determination. Remind us again & again that in the end, You win! May our hope rest firmly in Your Son Jesus Christ, in whose strong name I pray. Amen.

The bolded part is the part that spoke to me most in that waiting room this morning. I started tearing up & thinking just how far He has carried me through this. I have a supernatural sense of peace this cycle & I can honestly say that if I never have another child, I will be okay, but only in Him. I will be okay ONLY if He is by my side. I LOVE & TRUST Him to my core but look at what I have had to go through to get to this point. Look at what He has had to teach me. As long as I have Jesus, I have the world & don't need anything else, not even my heart's desire... a miracle baby. All I need is Jesus.

Don't misunderstand me though... I want a baby more than I want anything else on this earth. I want him/her so much, I can taste it, so to speak but I don't *need* one... all I truly *need* is Jesus. HE is my rock... my shelter in the storm.

CD 9 update... Endometriosis???

2010-09-17T12:25:00.001-05:00

Well, everything looked "on target" according to the nurse for this day in my cycle... My estradiol level was 148 & I have about 5 follies, with the biggest being about 11 mm. Of course they want to see them at 15 mm or more to be mature so we have more growing to do, which is exactly what I pretty much expected to hear today. I am to continue Follistim for 3 more days & return Monday to see how everything looks.

However, comparing today's results with last cycle's results (CD 9 ultrasound & bloodwork update), I'm not sure what what to think really since my last cycle of injectables on CD 9 my estradiol was 310 & my largest follie was ~ 14 mm. Of course my last cycle of injectables was a bust so maybe this is GOOD news!

Okay now of course something wacky has to happen every time I see the dr about infertility & today's appt didn't disappoint (unfortunately) so... I have a cyst of some sort just hanging out with my 5 little follies. She used the term endometrioma b/c it is "grainy looking" & isn't filled with fluid. She said that they'd keep an eye on it & if it goes away, GREAT but if it doesn't then the dr might want to do surgery sometime in the future to check things out. I did specifically ask if this new cyst would affect trying to conceive this cycle & b/c I have 5 growing follies she said it wouldn't; that it is just "hanging out" with the other follies.

She asked if anyone has ever mentioned that I have cysts or anything & of course the first thing that popped in my mind was PCOS but of course no one has ever mentioned that to me other than one dr who mentioned it in passing when she saw that my testosterone was higher than my estrogen & did mention it but it really went no further than that. I have never been diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis & no one has really mentioned it since. Not exactly sure what this means... could I have PCOS and/or endo & just never knew???

I got pregnant right before I was about to have a laproscopy last year so we didn't need to investigate things after all & I have had to have a cyst removed from my ovary almost 10 years ago now but that cyst was a teratoma & as far as I know, not associated with PCOS or endo. I don't really know & I'm not going to spend my time worrying about it. I have an overwhelming sense of peace about this cycle... I've given it to God & we WILL get pregnant in His time. But I did mention to a friend, it will be a MIRACLE if/when we get pregnant. It was a MIRACLE that we even got pregnant last year. My body is so dysfunctional it amazes me that I ever got pregnant to begin with. Of course, God is in the MIRACLE business. Praise the Lord!

2nd injectable cycle, CD 2 ultrasound...

2010-09-10T12:13:00.005-05:00

So the RE appt went well... apparently, my ovary likes to hide a lot! She must be shy, kinda like me, huh? But according to the nurse, that's okay... they'd rather not see them than to see a big ole' cyst so she gave me the go ahead to start injections. We start Sunday night & my next RE appt is next Friday at 8:45 am. I am using the pen & catridges this cycle verses the vials I used last cycle since they really seem easier & m0re convenient & cost the same as the vials with my insurance. Praise the Lord for insurance!

And apparently that trip that Mike was going to have to go on at the end of this month that he said might not happen is & isn't going to happen after all. LOL Okay I know that was kinda confusing so... He was going to have to go to KY but that trip did get cancelled, however at the last minute now he is going to AR so while the 1st trip DID get cancelled another popped up & took its place. Wow, God is good... thank you so much, Lord, for working out the timing!

I"m excited to see what this cycle brings & have a REALLY good feeling about this one!

2nd injectable cycle, here we come...

2010-09-08T21:49:00.003-05:00

AF showed tonight so I call tomorrow to set up my CD 2 ultrasound (which should be on Friday) & if there are no cysts present we are on to our 2nd injectable cycle. The good thing is that b/c I started a few days early, Mike's possible business trip at the end of this month won't interfere. Of course now he is saying that trip might not happen anyway. Go figure! LOL

Thank you, Lord, for another chance & working out the timing. Please, Lord, let this be it! No matter what though, I praise Your holy name & I'm waiting & believing that we WILL get pg in YOUR time. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

1st injectables cycle RE follow-up appt update

2010-09-01T18:15:00.001-05:00

So, nothing new to report, really. Basically he said my cycle was wacky, which we already knew so the plan is to up my dose next cycle (from 150 IUs) to 225 IUs to hopefully as he put it, "give me a better response." I did learn something new actually. If you remember, on CD 12 when my follies had "no significant changes"... well, apparently they were smaller than the previous ultrasound on CD 9 but my Estradiol level, as you remember, had increased so we stimmed 3 more days. Basically as he put it everything still looked pretty good on CD 12 (Friday) but sometime over that weekend my cycle went to crap (okay so he said s***) but I'm paraphrasing here! And he said that sometimes upping the dose will give a better response so that's the plan.

I do have to say that this appt actually went fairly well in that I saw some humility in his composure. He just didn't seem nearly as arrogant as he had in the past. It is soooooooooo hard to adjust to a new dr & to really click with that dr. I have always LOVED my OB but kinda undecided about the RE. I didn't like him or dislike him but it really does take a bit to develop that relationship. I remember it took at least 6 months or more before I started warming up to my OB. Actually, to be honest, I didn't really warm up to him until AFTER the miscarriage. It was that event that I could see the care & concern all over his face & that is when I knew he was a very good & loving dr. And actually this RE & my OB are fishing buddies so I am still giving this RE the benefit of the doubt & see what happens next. Ultimately, I know God is in control & we WILL be successful if it is God's will.

Believing the Promise!

2010-08-17T19:20:00.004-05:00

Thanks for the video, Kerstin! I LOVED it & started tearing up there at the end. Loved it so much that I want to share it!!!

With God all things are possible!!! There are several miracle stories like that in this video all around me (2 in particular - K & L) & I just LOVE hearing them b/c it reminds me that it could happen to me. K had a progesterone defect like me (though her progesterone was lower than mine at 0.something) & even saw an RE who told her that she would NOT get pregnant without the help of IVF. Well, she now has 2 beautiful boys & never used any kind of ART at all. And L has NEVER been able to get pregnant without the aide of Clomid due to a progesterone defect but just last year she had her miracle baby who was conceived during a cycle that she didn't even think she ovulated at all & if I'm remembering correctly her progesterone wasn't even high enough indicating ovulation yet she got pregnant. I remember that so well b/c she came to me scared to death b/c she didn't want to lose her precious miracle bean & I comforted her, telling her this is her gift from God & that no matter what, this is His will for her. Actually I am very hopeful that despite no medical assistance this cycle & despite Mike's business trip that maybe, just maybe, this is the month God will bless us with a miracle.

Plus I have to remember that it WAS His plan to do the injectables last cycle. I'm not sure why exactly but I KNOW that was His will since He gave me the free meds. Of course I was hopeful that last cycle would be the one but it wasn't so I'm just watching & praying & waiting to see how He will answer my prayers. I can't wait!

In other news... a friend at church has a beautiful rocker/recliner for sale.

This is the exact rocker/recliner I have had my heart set on for a long time now & no one even knew except God. I didn't tell anyone about it, not even Mike. Then one day last week during my weekly Bible study with friends I asked them to be on the look out for a rocker/recliner for a nursery but of course didn't mention specifics. When I came home that day I jumped on Facebook to find a friend selling the exact rocker/recliner that my heart has literally been set on for so long for $100. I contacted her & she is willing to hold it for me since she told me that she literally put it out there on a whim & no one even showed interest in it, except ME! She will even hold it till we get pregnant so that God forbid we don't get pregnant, we don't have to spend the money & not use the chair. She is just so sweet - being willing to hold it like that for me. I don't know that I will necessarily wait that long to buy it (but I did ask her if she would mind holding till Oct in hopes that by Oct I will have the nursery painted) since I am having faith that we WILL get pregnant but just the offer has really touched my heart. Oh & she is willing to drop $20 on the price so I can actually buy it for $80! How wonderful is she!

I am actually working on what will be the nursery again. I lost the motivation to do it last year after the miscarriage but the motivation has recently been restored & I have gotten it 95% clean now & hope to get it painted very soon. I'll post before & after pics once I get it cleaned out a bit more.

Anyone have any suggestions as to what color to paint it? Actually I wanted something a bit neutral & the carpet already in there is light blue but I hope to one day put hard wood floors in there. I am really really leaning toward cream & brown mixed. When I say mixed, I mean that I want both cream & brown to show through in places where you literally see the brushstrokes not a single uniform color.

By the way, I found this pic (though it isn't very good) on the Internet that might give you an idea of the carpet color (top row, left)...

And here's kinda what I had in mind as far as how the walls will be painted but in brown & cream of course...

Of course I'm still thinking about this since I'm not a decorator really so I'm not sure if it will really work or not or if it will be too much on the walls. I wanted to kinda stick to neutrals so that I can decorate with paintings, rugs, bedding, & so forth to change the look as I want/need. Oh & I should add that it is currently painted blue (on the top half of the walls) & white(on the bottom half) so whatever I color I choose, it will have to cover what's already there. What do you think? Please feel free to share any/all suggestions.

Definitely NOT implantation spotting! =(

2010-08-16T17:17:00.005-05:00

So yeah, this is my period, definitely not implantation. There's waaaaaaaaaaay too much blood to be anything OTHER than my period & the fact that I am STILL bleeding. I did call the RE this morning & one of the nurses did say that Follistim can make you start your period slightly early but I still don't think it should have been THIS early. This is ridiculous. Even if we did fertilize an egg it absolutely had NO WAY of implanting. And I'm not sure that the nurse understood that, which is frustrating. She kept saying we had a 9 day luteal phase which I wanted to say um, no... at most it was 7 days (maybe 8 according to THEIR office since if you start your period after 4 pm they count it as the next day) if I Oed Friday the 6th (my chart shows Saturday, the 7th, as ovulation but she & I both think I probably really ovulated on Friday rather than Saturday but still how do you get 9 days from that). Sometimes I think I know more about these things than many dr's or nurses do.

The good news is that I will be talking to the RE himself Wednesday, Sept 1st, at 9:20 am to ask him how & why this happened (which Mike & I both agree that this is really probably the next step anyway considering how screwy this 1st injectable cycle went). I don't get it... Clomid NEVER did this to me & according to everything I can find Clomid and injectables are supposed to help fix luteal phase defects, not create them. I have NEVER had a luteal phase defect (until NOW that is) since I started charting 4 years ago; granted I don't ovulate like I should half the time but I just don't get it.

The bad news is Mike has a business trip at the end of this month which means we will have to wait this cycle out & try again next cycle (hopefully if Mike doesn't have another business trip which he very well might). He has several trips coming up, which all seem to line up with my ovulation so I'm not going to even think/worry about it right now. What does Jesus say about this. Oh, yeah...

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
~ Matthew 6:34

Besides, as the nurse pointed out, 7 times out of 10 people usually have to skip a cycle in between anyway b/c there is a cyst on your ovary & I didn't even get the full 2 wks for any cysts to go away since AF decided to show a week early. I'm still trusting & believing God that we WILL get pregnant though! However, I'm not trying to sugar coat it... it hurts.

Why wasn't this the cycle? Why do I have to wait even longer? Is 4 years not long enough already? When will it be our turn? But it's times like these that I have to cling tightly to scripture & His promises. It's times like these that I have to remember that we walk by faith & not by sight. By sight, it just seems impossible & hopeless but I know that's not true b/c with God, all things are possible. Satan wants me to think it's hopeless but I know it's not.

Here's a quote that I recently read on one of my favorite boards that really just strikes me & gives me some comfort right now:

"Be assured that if God makes you wait longer than you wish, it is only to make the blessing all the more precious."
~ Author Unknown

Implantation Spotting???

2010-08-14T19:20:00.002-05:00

Warning: May be

So I'm 7 dpo today & when I just went to the bathroom noticed quite a bit of blood... more than spotting but not enough that it looks like AF showing early (YET). We'll just have to wait & see what tomorrow brings... if it clears up or gets heavier. I'm still excited & am believing this is implantation & not AF showing a WEEK early! Praise the Lord no matter what tomorrow brings!

CD 15 update

2010-08-09T19:00:00.001-05:00

So, my estradiol level from Friday's appt is 538. My estradiol level from today's appt is 452, which means I did in fact ovulate sometime between Friday & today... more specifically I believe I ovulated late Friday night into early Saturday morning. I really really thought I did & apparently I was right though during the ultrasound itself the nurse didn't see any signs of ovulation. All she saw was nice big follies... 6 total (not all were mature) & several were over 20 mm! Of course b/c I already ovulated there will be no trigger tonight but that's okay... we're not out - we could have caught that egg yet!

I'm not upset since I know God is in control AND I know His hand is in this & has been from the beginning. I'm trusting Him. I'm actually very excited & hopeful that THIS IS IT... this is THE cycle!!!

If, however this isn't the cycle, the RE is going to up my dose next cycle to hopefully prevent early ovulation. And thankfully, praise the Lord, we have infertility coverage on our insurance so we can do another round. But I will say that we are approaching the end of this journey. I'm not sure how many cycles of injectables we'll do but we won't go further than this, I don't believe. It's not impossible to change my mind but I do & have thought for a long time now that injectables is the end of the line for us.

So now we wait... we wait 2 weeks to see if AF shows or not. She's due Friday (Aug 20th) or Sunday (Aug 22nd) depending on who you ask... according to my normal luteal phase of 12 days she's due Friday but if you use the standard 14 day luteal phase that means Sunday. And if I am pregnant this cycle then I should be due April 30, 2011.

CD 12 update

2010-08-07T11:00:00.007-05:00

Warning: This is probably my longest post ever!

So yesterday's appt... no significant changes! What?! Yep, my follies were about the same size as previously (~ 1 cm is exactly what she said & last time if you remember they were ~ 1.4 cm or 14 mm). She did say though that my uterine lining looks excellent for implantation! Woo-hoo! So my instructions are to continue 3 more days with 150 IUs of Follistim & follow up with an appt on Monday at 8:45 am. I don't know the exact Estradiol level since they called & left a message while I was in the mandatory homeschooling meeting that I had to go to yesterday so I plan to ask about it Monday when I go for my appt. Oh & Monday is going to be another long day for me, like yesterday. I have the RE appt at 8:45 am & an appt with my thyroid dr at 2 pm. Geez, I might just need to move into my dr's office or something. I sure do wish I lived closer though.

Oh & I think I *may* have ovulated yesterday. I don't know & at this point I just about don't care. I've given it to God & He's in control. I refuse to stress about it. Yesterday at about 3 pm I felt what in every other past cycle has been ovulation pains. They are dull achy pains in or around my ovary that usually last hours & this is exactly what happened (it lasted all night & into this morning). Only time will tell... I assume they can tell me Monday when I go back for monitoring again. Of course I do have a friend who goes to the same dr as I do & is doing the same treatment & she said that this kind of pain is normal & that I shouldn't be concerned so I'm just waiting till Monday & we'll see, I suppose. (By the way, if you wanna check out my chart this cycle, you can HERE.)

I did leave the appt yesterday in a much better mood than I left with Tuesday actually. I actually left kinda chuckling in my head. If you only knew EVERYTHING I have been through this week... I don't think anyone would blame me for just wanting to crawl in a hole & crying but I do not feel that way at all. It is actually kinda comical & I can't help but laugh at all of it.

So Tuesday's appt:

it took an hour to get back there to get my ultrasound done & when I did get back there I just felt like the nurse didn't talk/explain much of anything... I had to ask specifically what was going on or she wasn't going to tell me (all she had started to say was "Everything looks pretty good" & she was going to leave it at that adding that they'd call me to tell me what the dr said). I specifically asked how my follies looked... she wasn't going to volunteer any information though she did mention my uterine lining looked good. I even laid on the table wondering if she could even find my ovary & was kinda panicking thinking something must be wrong if she isn't mentioning them.
oh & when I finally got back there she put me in a room, with absolutely NO INSTRUCTIONS. Then she came back & said, "Oh you don't have your bottoms off yet" & I was like, no... you haven't told me what to do & so I didn't know exactly what we were doing or what was going to happen (since this is my first injectable cycle so I'm still learning the process )
okay so then I go to leave & cars are parked so close to my car (on EVERY side) that I actually thought I might not be able to get out of the parking spot. It took some real doing to wriggle myself out of that tight fit.
I also had to order MORE Follistim which of course costs more money (which if they would have just ordered extra with my 1st order it would have been cheaper for me with my insurance coverage... I pay the same amount/deductible regardless if I order 1 vial or 10 so really they should have just ordered more than enough with the 1st order but I'm actually going to give them the benefit of the doubt here... they didn't necessarily know that so they may have thought they were saving me money by not ordering meds I may not need).
Okay but I'm not giving them the benefit of the doubt here... the pharmacy called & the nurse apparently called my prescription in to a DIFFERENT pharmacy which does not have free shipping so I'm paying $13 extra for shipping. So the 2nd order of Follistim actually costs MORE than the 1st order of Follistim + Trigger. Why didn't she just call it in to the same pharmacy that they used the 1st time?! Actually I had a different nurse so I'm sure that's why. The 1st nurse talked to me about the best & cheapest pharmacy to use while the other nurse just seems like she doesn't care since she's not paying for it. Oh & I realize that I pay A LOT less than a lot of people pay. I am VERY blessed & appreciative that I am fortunate enough to have Fertility coverage but my issue is with the nurse that just doesn't seem to care.
And then the pharmacy called me back to tell me my FSA isn't covering the cost of the 2nd script of Follistim. WHAT?! So yeah, I had to use my personal credit card which of course is Mike's money. I stay at home so I just feel guilty about that & was really grateful for the FSA.
Not to mention that my next appt was Friday (yesterday), on the same day that I have/had a MANDATORY homeschooling meeting. So I was hoping & praying that I could get out of the appt in time to get back home so I can carry Austin to the meeting, which I did get to do it all though I was gone from 7:15 am till 4:30 pm

So now, yesterday's appt:

We need to order yet MORE Follistim & of course the other 2 places it was ordered from were out of state & they had to overnight the meds to me so of course I kinda asked how we would get the meds since I was completely out & they said, oh you can just get them from the pharmacy located right behind the RE's office (so this is my 3rd pharmacy now). What?! Ummm, why couldn't I get my last prescription there & save $13 in shipping. I will say that at this point I had a heart to heart with the nurse & said to PLEASE order me more than enough since I pay the same price if I order 1 vial or 10. Well, praise the Lord, she ordered me 10 vials! I think I have enough (or mostly enough) for another cycle if I need it. LOL Which of course I won't since this cycle is going to work!
Not to mention when I told her I had NO meds left she asked about the prescription she called in. Well, apparently the pharmacy messed up... the prescription she sent in was for two 150 IU vials & they sent two 75 IU vials.

So by the time I left yesterday's appt I just had to laugh at all the stuff that has been going on. I really think it is Satan attacking... it just seems toooooooo much for it to be coincidence, ya know.

I have 2 wonderful, wonderful Christ-loving friends (C & K) that really picked me up after Tuesday's appt though & I think that may have had a lot to do (note Ecclesiastes 4:12, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken") with my actually really good mood yesterday despite my follies not responding after an additional 3 days of meds. C, I think, really hit the nail on the head. She said that this is my wilderness & that my promised land is just right around the corner. The next morning I did a free-form Bible study (The Story of Moses, Lessons From the Story of Moses, Turn Your Desert Into a Productive Spiritual Retreat) & it all came together. THIS IS MY WILDERNESS, my time of relying on the Lord. I'm about to enter my promised land (having a baby) so I've got to rely on God... He will conquer my enemies & we will inhabit the land... soon!

CD 9 ultrasound & bloodwork update

2010-08-03T14:40:00.008-05:00

So everything looked pretty good this morning according to the nurse... my ovary & uterus lining are responding as they should thus far. My estradiol level came back 310 & I have 1 follicle that is 14 mm (& several other smaller ones) though they like to them them closer to 16 mm so we still have some growing to do. So I am to continue 150 IUs of Follistim for 3 more days & go back Friday at 8:45 am to see how things are looking & hopefully to get the go ahead to trigger.

No side effects at all except one... tons & tons of EWCM & abnormally early in my cycle (I usually start seeing it around day 12 or 13 but this cycle I started seeing it around day 8 or 9). I hope this is a good sign!

I'm not sure why but this morning, leaving the dr's office, I just felt kinda down in the dumps... maybe it was b/c it took an hour to get back to get my ultrasound done & then when I did get back there I just felt like the nurse didn't talk/explain much of anything... I had to ask specifically what was going on or she wasn't going to tell me (all she had started to say was "Everything looks pretty good" & she was going to leave it at that adding that they'd call me to tell me what the dr said), maybe it is just the emotional toll of trying to conceive with medical assistance, maybe it's b/c I'm going to have to order MORE Follistim which of course costs more money (which if they would have just ordered extra with my last order it would have been cheaper for me with my insurance coverage), maybe it's that I have a mandatory homeschooling meeting Friday that now we are going to have to figure out (I'm hoping that my appt won't last as long & I can get out in time to get Austin there or else Mike is just going to have to carry him). Why do I let these feelings invade the way they do? Maybe it is Satan attacking my faith. No matter what though I will praise Him through the storm. This song says it all...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
~ Romans 8:28

Lord, please carry me through this - I need you now more than ever. I can't do this in my own strength; I'm tired & weary. I'm putting it all in your hands & trusting you, no matter what. I love you & praise your holy name!

My first injection & other (sad) news!

2010-07-29T19:25:00.003-05:00

Tuesday's appt went well. Everything looked good & there were no cysts in sight so we were given the go ahead to start injections. We also ordered the remainder of my meds & my other supplies Tuesday & they were delivered yesterday. Wow, just wow!

Praise the Lord that my meds are affordable! That has probably been my biggest fear when I was first referred to the RE but the Lord has worked it out & our insurance is paying for A LOT of it. Don't get me wrong, without this insurance, it would most definitely cost an arm & a leg but praise the Lord for providing.

So my first injection was tonight & it actually went really well. It didn't hurt or even sting at all! Woo-hoo! Oh & I did my own shot, thank you very much! I'm pretty proud of myself. I didn't hem haw around, much. I did pause a minute & had to tell myself that I'm a big girl & CAN do this!

The hardest part was definitely just trying to figure out how many mL to draw up into the syringe to give me the 150 IUs I needed but we figured it out! I'm definately going to go with the pen & catridges next time if there is a next time, which there won't be, by the way. I'm believing that this once will be all I need! Anyway, with the pen, all I have to do is dial up the IUs I need & inject... it's THAT easy. The only reason we're doing vials is b/c if you remember, I got free Follistim (Answered Prayer), which happen to be vials.

The supplies...

Our next monitoring appt is next Tuesday at 9:30 am, after 5 days of meds. We'll be doing another ultrasound to check my follies to see how I'm responding to the Follistim.

And now for the sad news...

Mike's puppy (well, actually really really old dog, Gina, who was ~ 15 years old) died overnight Monday night. Not sure of what but she was obviously not feeling well Monday night & when we checked on her Tuesday morning, she was gone! We're going to miss her. She was a wonderful, sweet, beautiful dog & good friend. She was literally Mike's baby... they were both very attached to each other... it was really sweet & priceless. We love you, G, & will miss you always! ♥

Here we go...

2010-07-26T08:52:00.000-05:00

Well, AF showed last night so I called the RE this morning to get my first injectable cycle underway. My 1st appt is tomorrow at 10:30 am to do some bloodwork & an ultrasound.

For anyone who does not know what an injectable cycle is like, here is a summary of my "instructions" from the RE:

Call to schedule a baseline ultrasound, which will be performed on cycle day 2, 3, or 4 to determine if there are ovarian cysts prior to starting injections.
If the ultrasound is normal, begin injections on day 4 & continue several days before being monitored again.
For the next monitoring appt (usually around day 9), I get to have another ultrasound performed & a blood test (estradiol level). Dosage may be adjusted depending on my response to the meds.
Hopefully (unless something unforseen happens), continue injections & return to the RE for monitoring over the next 1-3 days until my follicles are mature & ready for ovulation.
When my follies are mature, I get to take my final injection of HCG (aka my trigger shot).
No IUI so we get to skip this instruction on my instruction sheet.
No strenuous activity. I am allowed to take Tylenol but avoid medications such as Anaprox (never heard of this one LOL), Advil, or Motrin.
2 weeks after the HCG shot I can take a pg test if AF is a no show!

I kinda wish AF wouldn't have showed b/c I definitely would rather not do injectables but I am excited to see what this cycle holds. I know the Lord is with me & I can't wait to see how He answers my prayers. No matter what, I'm trusting Him.

I've been so emotional lately...

2010-07-11T22:50:00.007-05:00

and not to mention, crying a lot and I'm not even on any kind of medication YET!

So this morning in our small group Bible study class (my Life group as our church calls them), our study leader asked if Mike & I minded if the group prayed over us, which of course, we said of course we don't mind. It was so sweet & so unexpected & what is most ironic is I remember talking to Mike back in Dec/Jan about possibly asking the Life group to do this but I NEVER actually mentioned it to our group. I have asked for their prayers but never asked them to pray over us like that. Our leader just felt led to do it today. Needless to say, I shed a few tears. It just really touched my heart & was so incredibly sweet & unexpected. I know the Lord is in this & I'm trusting Him. I know He has a plan... no matter the outcome. Praise You Lord; praise Your Holy Name!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
~ Proverbs 3:5-6

So if that weren't bad enough I teared up a bit during several worship songs (In Your Presence, Still) this morning as well. It's funny but just knowing that I am about to TTC again next cycle, I am just so much more emotional lately. I'm going to hate to see my emotions next cycle when I'm actually taking the medication!

I would also like to share some scriptures that, just in the past week, have been meaningful to me:

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
~ Philippians 4:19

He will supply the finances we need to have this baby. He has already supplied much of the medication needed. (From the devotional, How Bid Is God?)

Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.
~ Micah 7:7

This verse describes this entire 6 month break for me. He HAS heard me & look at everything He has already provided. Thank you Lord. (From the devotional, God's Provisions)

I am so very blessed!

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

2010-07-10T11:30:00.005-05:00

I was blog surfing last night & ran across this poem & I must admit, it touched me to the core. So much so that I was in tears...

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "you can always adopt," or "things happen for a reason", or the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me!

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life? It's hard to understand that people can't see infertility for what it is -- a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get back up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility for anyone, I can't deny that a more fertile woman could ever know the joy that awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know..."

~ Anonymous

RE appt update

2010-07-03T21:39:00.002-05:00

The appt went really well. Actually I could be doing injectibles RIGHT NOW (which I honestly was not expecting) if it weren't for a procedure that I had done yesterday!

Actually I haven't mentioned it on here but... due to a family history of colon cancer (my mom & her father (my grandfather)) my new family dr REALLY wanted me to do a colonoscopy before getting pregnant so I thought this week (Friday) would be perfect timing. Well, it came back mostly clear... they did find a small polyp which they removed & sent to the lab to determine if it would have turned into colon cancer or not. I should know something in about 2 weeks. Regardless though, it's better that I remove it now before it possibly turns into cancer than to wait a few years, after I have a baby, when it has possibly already turned into cancer.

So back to trying to conceive & the RE appt... right now it is a "go" for next cycle (of course there is a possible business trip in August that Mike might have to go on (we're still not sure yet) that can push our first injectible cycle back some ). I could be pregnant in less than a month!

I just know this is gonna work. It has too... if it doesn't this journey might be quickly coming to an end. We can't afford to do many injectible cycles... I don't think. But the one thing I can say is that the Lord is faithful... I got pregnant last year despite all this, He's given me free Follistim, He's given me little encouraging gifts & acts of faithfulness along the way (some I have mentioned on here (my nightgown, R&R in Fort Walton) & some I haven't (providing financially when we need it most)).

Please pray that this works... specifically that I get pregnant on my first round of injectibles. Last year, when I got pregnant with Clomid our church prayed for us THAT cycle & we got pregnant THAT cycle. And Clomid has not worked since, even at a higher dose (What I Believe He is Teaching Me Right Now). I honestly believe that the prayers did it. So please pray... I need all the prayers I can get.

R&R at Fort Walton Beach

2010-06-29T14:00:00.010-05:00

Wow! The Lord is AMAZING! We had an AWESOME trip (pics to come) & one of the most amazing things to me was my Bible study which I carried with me... Experiencing God. I actually started this study months before taking my 6 month medical assistance break but I put it on the back burner when my church started doing a Beth Moore study at the beginning of the year. Well, I picked it up once again when the Beth Moore study ended & started from the beginning so I wouldn't miss anything. Anyway, Wednesday morning, the first morning on this trip that I pulled my study out, it covered Genesis 22:1-18. If you remember, right before I decided to take the 6 month break this is exactly what I studied (So Tired of This). Boy, that got my attention & it really reinforced that He WILL provide a child for me. Let me share a little excerpt from the study with you,

"How did Sherri know that God was the God who could provide a husband? She claimed who God was and then proceeded to watch and pray. She was open to receive the one God would give her. She had to obey and receive when God revealed His choice to her. Then she came to know God as the Provider of Partners."
(pg 58, emphasis mine)

This really speaks to me but in the context of "Provider of Children." I've been watching & praying & as you know this has been a wild ride but truthfully, though there have been many ups & downs, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am learning how to lean on Him & trust Him more each day, growing closer & closer to Him as I experience Him daily. I've seen him do things just for me that amaze me. He is with me daily & has taught me so much through this wait.

Yes, it has been & can be a long, hard road but as Charles Swindoll put it, "Hurting people gain a perspective that those who have not yet been hurt lack" (Esther: A Woman of Strength and Dignity, pg 151).

"It's doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply."
~ A. W. Tozer

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
Psalm 119: 67, 71, 75

He WILL provide a child & I can't tell you how excited I am & how much more appreciative I will be just because there is no way I can/will take this child for granted.

And last but not least a few pics of our AWESOME trip...

Father's Day

2010-06-21T06:58:00.008-05:00

Well, Father's day was a lot harder for me than Mother's day was. I think it's because they decided to have Baby Dedication at church yesterday as well... 7 beautiful babies being dedicated. And I really don't think it would have been that bad or hard on me except that the 2 babies born close to when my baby should have been born were being dedicated so all I could think about was how my baby should have been up there. She would be 5 months old now.

I thought for sure that I shared the story on here about the 2 babies born close to my EDD but if I did, I couldn't find it. So here goes... when I got pregnant last year, 2 other church members got pregnant as well & the 3 of us were literally due one after the other. L was due at the beginning of Jan, I was due Jan 16th, & G was due Jan 18th. Well, I had a miscarriage (as you already know) & got to watch them go on to have beautiful baby girls. L ended up having her baby at the end of Dec & G had hers on Jan 17th (at the exact same hospital that I would have had mine at, I learned yesterday). I am so glad they have beautiful babies but I just miss mine & it really hits hard every now & then.

I'm a lot better today... trusting & leaning on Him to get me through this. I'm reminded of one of my favorite scriptures:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

I'm walking by faith & not by sight, trusting Him, no matter what.

A poem for me =)

2010-06-18T18:50:00.006-05:00

A very lovely lady & friend (who has also lost a child, well actually a few children, through miscarriage) from my favorite online community wrote me a beautiful poem the other day that I just had to share on here...

We share a bond of sadness
That's often hard to bear
But God in His great mercy
Put us both on here to share

His joy, our strength, we know
Will hold us when we cry
Amanda, our babies are safe
In His hands, up in the sky

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f44-christian-parenting/2013513-amanda-his-hands.html

All I can say is...

Preparing for the rain! =)

2010-06-05T21:30:00.012-05:00

Remember the parable I spoke about in a recent post, Pearls and Grace...

There were two farmers, neighbors, both praying for rain for their crops - for their livelihood. After praying, one farmer waited for the rain; the other farmer went to his field and started preparing for rain. Which one do you think had the greater faith?

Well, I just purchased, last weekend, a beautiful nightgown that will be just perfect for my stay in the hospital when we finally welcome a baby into the world. It's blue... my absolute favorite color & buttons up at the top (perfect for breastfeeding, which I think I would like to try to do) & it's a night gown instead of pajamas (which is typically all I own LOL). I will be having a repeat c-section so I thought the night gown would be the easiest for me & anyone who helps me the few days after the surgery & because it is a nightgown, there is no waist band to press down on the incision.

Isn't it just gorgeous?!

Actually I splurged a bit to buy it (not much but when you are counting every dollar like we are, every single dollar counts). I put it in my shopping cart & carried it around, praying about it... should I splurge or shouldn't I? I really wanted it but I haven't checked to see what nightgowns might be at the Thrift Store yet AND a hospital stay seems so far away that what if I find a different one a few months from now that I like even more than this one. I had decided that b/c I hadn't checked the Thrift Store yet I would at least look around there first & then maybe buy this one at Wal-Mart later if I didn't find anything else. Plus maybe I could find it on sale in a few months. So on my way to electronics, after I had made my mind up, I saw a beautiful baby boy that made eye contact with me... we literally locked eyes & in that moment I really felt like God was telling me to splurge so I did.

I was actually kinda afraid that our grocery bill was going to be about $20 over what it normally is with the nightgown... that was one of the main reasons I wanted to check the Thrift Store first; to save money. Well, I ended up spending about what I NORMALLY spend anyway so it really kinda felt like I was getting it for free & it was yet another gift from the Lord. Wow! He is just so good to me! Thank you so much Lord. I love you & praise Your Holy Name!

Did you watch Army Wives last night???

2010-05-24T18:21:00.002-05:00

I LOVE Army Wives (such a GREAT show) & last night's episode was really awesome... sad but awesome! Check out last night's episode HERE if you missed it. *Spoiler Alert* Roxy had a miscarriage. I could so relate to her feelings & she really played the part well, in my opinion. I just LOVED the dog staying right there with her b/c he knew something was wrong with her. My dogs are often the same way. I really don't remember my pups being more affectionate AFTER my miscarriage but I definitely remember thinking/wondering if one of the dogs KNEW I WAS pregnant during the weeks before my miscarriage. She was soooooooo affectionate - more than usual, almost jealous it seemed. I distinctly remember thinking, "I wonder if she KNOWS I'm pregnant" or could it be that she knew the miscarriage was coming. Now that I look back, I really don't know. Hmmmmm....

And did you see the previews for the next episode... Denise is pregnant (actually I kinda knew something like that was going to be written into the storyline but I thought it was going to be Pamela, not Denise ). Nooooooo! It's going to be interesting to see how the show plays out during the next few weeks & to see how the characters react with one another. Actually the show seems to be almost mimicking real life. I know when I had a miscarriage it just seemed like the whole world was pregnant & even got pregnant right after my miscarriage, which of course didn't make it any easier on me. Actually there were 2 other ladies at church who got pregnant right around the same time as me. We were all due very close together... one in early Jan, I was due the 16th, & the other was due the 18th. Then another lady got pregnant just a month after my miscarriage. All 3 of these ladies are wonderful, sweet, Godly women & soooooooooo deserve babies but it was so hard to watch them have wonderful pregnancies after I struggled for 3 years just to get pregnant & then lost my miracle bean way too early.

I'm glad in many ways that a show is actually approaching the topic of loss. Every time I hear of a pregnancy now, I can't help but think that you only hope you have a baby because you could so easily have a miscarriage instead. I hate to think like that but the miscarriage just does that to you, I think... it steals your innocence when it comes to pregnancy.

Though I can't believe I'm going to say this but... I wouldn't trade my miscarriage for the world. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my precious baby who sleeps in heaven & would do almost anything to have her back but I know she's safe in the arms of Jesus & what Jesus gave me (instead of my miracle baby) was Himself & I thank Him for that. Beth Moore once said that often Jesus will come into our life & literally walk right beside us and even carry us through trials but we don't recognize Him until we see His back as He's walking away (& has already carried us through that tough situation). Well, that's my miscarriage. I KNOW Jesus was right there with me the entire time but of course it wasn't till days later that I recognized Him. And I can't even begin to describe how precious those moments were in Jesus's arms. Let me tell you a bit about just *what* He did for me that night:

If a miscarriage had to happen, it really did happen at the perfect time. Just the week before the miscarriage Mike was out of town on a business trip. There is NO WAY I could have done that without him. I was in too much pain to drive & I would have had to be literally on my death bed before I'd be willing to call an ambulance I think.
As I've already mentioned in a previous post, "I had such peace during the actual miscarriage itself & even knew what was going on... that I was having a miscarriage when I have never had one before so how did I know exactly what was going on & how in the world did I not lose it emotionally that night?" (6 month break coming to an end)
It's usually about an hour drive to the hospital from here & that particular morning I think we got there in record time (I'm thinking it took about 45 mins). Barely any traffic & most all the traffic lights seemed to be coordinated just perfectly for us to get to the hospital in record time.
I tried to hold out till 8 am (for my dr's office to open) b/c I did not want to go to the ER b/c we all know how notorious they are for being packed & you having to wait in the waiting room forever & I did not want to be in pain waiting in the waiting room (I'd much rather be in pain in the comfort of my own home & on my couch). Well, we ended up going to the ER anyway b/c I was in too much pain & thankfully I walked right in & went right back. They gave me some pain killers almost immediately & I was feeling good!
And my absolute favorite thing... a church member (who I have always adored) works at the hospital where my OB is at. Well, she was called in to work that day on her off day. Looking back, I KNOW that God put her there for me. Only He really knows just how much it meant to me that she was there that morning. She prayed with us before the D&C & she even called some of the members of our church (who took VERY good care of us) & told them so that we didn't have to (such a huge help to me b/c I so didn't want to have to tell them... thanks to her, I didn't have to ).

So, did you watch Army Wives? What'd you think?

6 month break coming to an end...

2010-05-21T14:56:00.009-05:00

*insert nervous smiley here*

I'm excited, a bit nervous, & somewhat shocked at how fast these months have flown by! I did finally make an appt with the RE for July 1st at 9:20 am. It's kinda ironic that my appt is on July 1st since one year ago, July 1st, I was in the hospital having a D&C due to an incomplete miscarriage.

I kinda figure though that it'll be the end of July/beginning of August when we try our first injectable cycle since my appt is at the beginning of that predicted cycle. Of course depending on how my cycle falls it may be early enough to start injectables THAT cycle! Regardless, I don't care... I don't care if I try early July, August, September or January of next year. Whatever the Lord's plan is is what I want - be it July, August, or later.

I REFUSE to get as obsessed as I have been in the past... easier said than done, I know. I have really enjoyed these 6 months though, so much so that I don't want to go back to that old way of thinking/doing things. I'm trusting & relying solely on Him to provide. I really feel refreshed & renewed; like I have a burst of energy & greater strength to move forward through what are possibly some tough & even exciting times ahead. I'm reminded of the scripture:

Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:31

I know the Lord has truly blessed me through this wait:

increased strength & energy to face what's ahead
being a part of/leading a local infertility support group (Hannah's Friends)
free meds (Answered Prayer!!!)
a mini-vacation coming up at the end of June (okay so Mike has a business trip to FL coming up & I told him I'm gonna tag along. While he's working the day away, I'm gonna lay out on the beach AND... this is going to be our first time away alone together since the honeymoon 6 years ago. Not to mention a lot of it is paid for b/c it is a business trip. We are staying an extra day so that we can have one day of fun together. I'm so excited AND it is absolutely PERFECT timing considering we start back trying to conceive with medical assistance in July. I truly believe this is yet another gift from the Lord.)

Which, by the way, can I share something? Actually I'm getting this out now, partly just to see what happens. Okay, I always kinda knew that I was going to have to go to the RE & I've always kinda known that I was going to have to do injectables. I don't really know how but it has always been on my heart that I WOULD have to do these things. That's why when I got pregnant last year I was surprised, amazed, & shocked. I remember thinking, "Well, I was wrong. Yay!" Apparently, I wasn't wrong after all, huh?!

Well, during the pregnancy it was kinda in the back of my mind that I *could* have a miscarriage. Why in the world did I think that? I have never had one & didn't, at that time, know many people that had actually had one. It could be b/c I'm part of an online community where unfortunately I see miscarriages all the time. It is truly kinda scary. It could also be because the Lord was preparing me for the miscarriage He knew was in my future. And the fact that I had such peace during the actual miscarriage itself & even knew what was going on... that I was having a miscarriage when I have never had one before so how did I know exactly what was going on & how in the world did I not lose it emotionally that night? Well, I know how now... Jesus was right there holding me in His arms the entire time.

Anyway, on to my other "feelings"... I just kinda feel like I *might* be one of those lucky mommies to have twins. It's just a feeling that I have had for a while now, just like I really felt like I would have to see an RE. I have no idea how this is going to play out but I'm just putting it out there & can't wait to see what happens. I would LOVE twins but after seeing a show on Discovery, I now know that having twins is such a more complicated pregnancy so honestly, I just want His will for me. I want a healthy, happy baby & if that's twins, GREAT, but if not; if I have a singleton, GREAT. Though twins would be perfect since at the beginning of this journey, I wanted 2 more & now I'm just praying for 1 more. I just don't know if I'll go through this all again to have another after I finally get 1 out of it. I kinda feel like I won't but I also won't ever prevent the chance of getting pregnant either so if the Lord wants to surprise me in the future He can!

Pearls and Grace

2010-05-12T18:15:00.008-05:00

I saw a link to the blog Pearls & Grace on a friend's blog yesterday... Pearls & Grace: The Sound. It brought tears to my eyes... it is definitely worth the read. What I got the most from it was...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the the desire comes, it is a tree of life. ~ Proverbs 13:12

I want to encourage those of you who are still waiting with this one little word.......

When

When the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

When~ Not if.

Not maybe.

Not might.

Not perhaps.

Not if only.

But WHEN. Oh that's your word today sweet reader. When. It's when. It's a timing thing. It's a God thing. It's His timing. It's His hand. It's by His power. It's when He decides. It's when we let go and let God. It's when we choose hope and faith over fear and doubt.

She also talks about her infertility struggles & the wait; how she bought baby things for her future baby by faith. Actually there's a parable about this kind of faith...

There were two farmers, neighbors, both praying for rain for their crops - for their livelihood. After praying, one farmer waited for the rain; the other farmer went to his field and started preparing for rain. Which one do you think had the greater faith?

Are you preparing for the rain? Am I? I admit that I haven't done as much of this as I would like though I do have a few things that I have purchased (my 2 favorites being a beautiful "womb" bear & a "Children's Footprints" wall plaque). I am also knitting a baby blanket (that I have been working on for over a year now LOL).

An AWESOME movie to watch about this kind of faith; you know where you actually put your money where your mouth is sort of faith is Faith Like Potatoes. If you haven't yet watched it, I highly recommend it. Actually I think I'm gonna go add it to the top of my Netflix list right now!

Another post on the blog Pearls and Grace that really touched me is this one... Pearls & Grace: The Substance Of Things Hoped For. Why this one? It starts off with one of my absolute favorite scriptures, Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" & the bottom line message is this, "If he brought me through all of this then He must have a purpose and a plan and if He did it for me, then He will do it for you as well."

I know there is a purpose & plan for my infertility struggle. I 100% believe that I didn't accidentally get pg last year or accidentally have a miscarriage. Nothing & I meaning nothing would have prevented that miscarriage. I know every single bit of this is part of His plan... yes, even the waiting. I don't always understand why but that's okay. I'm waiting & believing & until my "tree of life" comes I will serve & worship the Lord with all my being.

Show us your life...

2010-05-10T18:10:00.001-05:00

Okay, I know I'm a few days late on this but I saw on a friend's blog that Kelly's Korner recently hosted a "show us your life" day with the theme of "Your Kid's (or future kid's) names" & I really wanted to get in on this! Better late than never, huh?!

I think all girls start planning their names early in life... I know I did & have had several names picked out over the years. When I was pregnant with Austin we had picked:

Austin Michael and Brittany Nicole

I hate to admit that I actually chose the name Austin because I just loved Austin Peck off of Days of Our Lives AND back then I had never heard that name & I thought it was pretty uncommon. Boy was I in for a surprise! I think everyone named their child Austin back in '96. I know one year in school there were 3 or 4 Austin's in the same room! Michael is just because I think it is a beautiful name!

Two funny stories about that name, actually:

A few years after Austin was born I ran into a close friend from grade school & she had a son who was about Austin's age & can you guess what she named him??? Nope, not Austin Michael but she did name her son Michael Austin! And no, we didn't plan that but it is too cool not to mention!
As you may already know, Austin is actually from a previous marriage. Well, my husband now is Michael "Mike" Thomas so often when Austin gets in trouble & I say his full name, like so many mother's do, I end up combining their names, Austin Michael Thomas H. LOL

Brittany Nicole was simply b/c we thought that was a beautiful name for a little girl. I'm so glad though I had a boy b/c Brittany Spears ruined that name for me. Not that I don't like Britany Spears (anymore ). I used to loathe her (in my early 20's) but now I feel sorry for her.

Fast-forward to 2006 when Mike & I started TTC. We chose the names:

Nicholas Connor and Chloe Elizabeth

Both b/c they are beautiful names! Chloe was Mike's pick while Mikayla Leigh (Leigh has always been one of my all-time favorite girl names) was mine but I soon grew to LOVE Chloe & was very excited to one day welcome a Chloe into our family. Well, as you know, we got pregnant last year only to have a miscarriage at 11 wks gestation. I don't know the sex of the baby we lost but I really feel, through prayer, that she was a girl & thus Chloe Elizabeth. After my miscarriage but before we were allowed to TTC with Clomid once again I had a dream:

I dreamed I had 6 babies... SIX!!! Oh, but I'd love it! In my dream they all looked so much alike that I couldn't tell who was who so my mom was there & she told me their names & all I could think was "We HAVE to name one of them Nora" so the next baby that was born was named, "Nora"!

I have hung tightly to this dream since that night! Anyway so b/c I really think Chloe is in heaven I thought that the next girl might be named:

Nora Leighanne

Technically I haven't really cleared this one with Mike. I think he is still holding out for Chloe but I really also think that Nora is the name God chose b/c I know I would have never picked that name if it weren't for the dream. Also, I looked it up & Nora means, "honor, light" & is a Latin name (my name is Latin too )! Isn't that beautiful & perfectly fitting... "light" since as you know Jesus is the light! Anyway, my heart is now set on Nora Leighanne for a girl & Nicholas Connor for a boy. I just think those are the two most perfect names on this earth!

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T18:20:00.011-05:00

Mother's Day is such a hard day for so many & when I awoke this morning my heart ached for all the ladies, my sisters (sisters-in-infertility), who dread this day. I don't dread it as much, suffering from secondary infertility, as my sisters with primary infertility do but my heart breaks for all of us... all of us who long to be the mother of another child or even a mother to a child, all of the mother's who have lost a child, & all those who suffer from both infertility and pregnancy loss.

Every time I think of Mother's Day & the barren womb I can't help but think of a story I read on a friend's blog... it really puts this day in perspective for me. I hope this story touches you as much as it did me...

I read a story about a woman that had never married. She avoided the Mother's Day service at her church for 7 years because she so longed to be called a mother. She had dreamed of being a mother all of her life. The Sunday came when she felt that it was time to attend that dreaded "Mother's Day" service as a tool to aid in her own healing as a woman that would never become a mother. (she had recently had a hysterectomy in her early 40s) She forced herself up the steps of the church and into the parlor where she was greeted by an eager young boy handing out flowers to all of the mothers. She politely turned down the flower, telling the young boy that she was indeed, not a mother. She turned around with tear filled eyes to go up to the balcony when a woman her age, stopped her and said, "You most certainly ARE a mother- you are a spiritual mother and mentor to my daughter". The woman waved the little boy back over to the barren woman and with hands shaking- she accepted the flowers. She enjoyed, that day, her very first mother's day service.

Bringing Home Baby: What is a mother?

And to anyone who has lost a child way too early, I read this poem on another friend's blog earlier this afternoon & started crying. It is absolutely beautiful!

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say: A mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today, If you could see your child smile, With other children who say: We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. "Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok. Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one. Happy mothers day, because you are a mother and you always will be!

What will be, will be: Happy Mothers Day

And last but not least, our church service this morning was AWESOME. This song (When I Cry) from the Gaither Vocal Band was sung & it really stood out to me. I'm sure it ministered to many souls this morning... I sure know it did mine! =)

God cries when we cry. He hurts when we hurt. When we lose someone close to us (our angel babies), He feels the pain too.

I pray for my brothers and sisters-in-infertility often & have been thinking a lot of you today. Happy Mother's Day to all the physical and spiritual moms and may God give you peace & strength each day.

A flower for all the mothers who have a lost a precious little one

2010-05-02T15:52:00.010-05:00

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.

In loving memory of my sweet angel baby, Chloe. Mommy loves & misses you sooooooo much! <3

What IF? (Project IF)

2010-04-22T20:32:00.004-05:00

What if I am never able to give my husband a biological child? What if I never get another chance to "get it right"?

As you may already know I am dealing with secondary infertility & already have a 14 year old child from a previous marriage. I got married & pregnant literally right out of high school, back when I was young & immature & lets not forget, stupid! I was so naive & took so many things for granted. I didn't raise Austin like I should have; I didn't teach him about Jesus or very little about Jesus anyway. I didn't even really know Jesus myself back then so how could I have taught a child about Him. My parents pretty much raised Austin while I went to college to get a degree so I missed or worse yet, don't remember most of his "firsts"... his first steps, his first word, his first tooth. I have felt so much guilt for being such a bad parent to him. Well, I wasn't baaaaaaaad but I certainly wasn't a good parent, either. I was, like I said earlier, young, naive & immature.

I sooooooooooo want a do-over. I want to do it right this time around; I'm just sorry I wasn't there for Austin through the years like I should have been. I've really turned my life around in the past few years though (better late than never ) & am living for Jesus Christ daily now. My priorities have changed tremendously; I quit my job early last year so I can stay at home with the baby when I am so blessed as well as to homeschool Austin & our future bean(s). I want to be involved this time. I want to be a better parent. I want to be there for that child but will I get that chance?

Will I ever be able to give Mike a biological child to cuddle? Mike has no biological children (except the one in heaven who was lost last year due to a miscarriage) & actually I am his first (& hopefully only ) marriage. Mike did it right from the beginning & guess who's reproductive system is broken? Mine! Why was it so easy when I wasn't even trying but now that I am trying & want to do it "right" is it so hard to conceive? I know that Jesus has a plan & it's a perfect plan, a plan to prosper us, not to harm us so I am waiting & believing! I know I will be a mother to another wonderful miracle & this time I am going to cherish every moment, knowing this child is a gift from God.

What if I am blessed beyond belief for my faith & obedience to God through this journey? What if I get pregnant with twins (yes I secretly fantasize about having twins but that's another story )?

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is next week, April 24th - May 1st. You can get more info here... http://www.resolve.org/takecharge. And info on infertility in general here... http://www.resolve.org/infertility101.

First baby shower post miscarriage!

2010-04-17T17:00:00.007-05:00

And it went AMAZINGLY. I was a little nervous about how I'd do emotionally but I never had one sad thought... not one; Praise the Lord! It went so very well. This is definitely the Lord's work & strength, not mine.

Can I show off the present I made for her???

I had so much fun making it & it really turned out GREAT! I had so much fun, in fact, that I thought about maybe starting a home business making them. I wonder if anyone would buy them?

Here's one I made for my sister a few years ago...

By the way, if you're wondering, the scripture at the top is Psalm 127:3, "Behold children are a heritage from the LORD. The fruit of the womb is His reward." I just love both of them!

Answered Prayer!!! =)

2010-04-14T07:10:00.004-05:00

So as I was working at the church, helping prepare for a huge ministry outreach over the weekend, I started talking to someone (another church member) about various things, one being my infertility. Well, come to find out she did IVF & has a lot of leftover injectables (Follistim) which, if you remember, is EXACTLY what the RE wanted to put me on (First RE Appointment) but of course we're still in the middle of our 6 month medical assistance break until July. Anyway, she said that she would give it to me for FREE! Thousands of dollars, I'm sure, worth of meds for free! I am so very grateful. This is an answered prayer. I've been waffling between the injecatbles & yet another round of Clomid b/c of the price & was leaning toward the Clomid for at least one or two more cycles & have been praying for guidance. Well, I think this is pretty clear... injectables, especially since He is providing them for me.

By the way, the 6 month break is going GREAT! It has really relieved a lot of stress & I am probably enjoying a bit too much. I NEVER want to get as obsessed as I have been again. And I can't believe I'm OVER half way through the break (about 2.5 more months to go); the months have literally been flying by!

The Lord is truly sufficient & provides ALL our needs! Thank you so much Lord! I love you & depend on You every day of my life!

Your faithful servant,

Have you heard???

2010-04-12T11:40:00.007-05:00

RESOLVE is getting the word out about infertility through their "What IF" campaign. Check it out, Bloggers Unite: Project IF. The first part of the campaign lasts till Friday, the 16th, if you want to add your "What if" question! I know I'm posting a little late but I've been crazy busy lately!

My what if??? What if I misunderstood God when I believe I heard Him tell me we WOULD have a baby? What if I never get pregnant? You can read more about my fear (which I refuse to give in to, by the way) in a post I made just a few weeks ago, Hannah's Friends (check out the bottom of the post). Though I do have a HUGE praise to share regarding this (Answered Prayer).

While blog-hopping I also ran across this amazing organization for those of us going through infertility... Fertility Socks! What a wonderful, cute, sweet idea! Definitely worth checking out.

Also be sure to check out Nat Geo, tomorrow the 13th, if you can for the program, "Sizing Up Sperm." I've heard it's VERY informative! I haven't seen it yet but I plan on watching/recording it tomorrow!

Things not to say to those who are suffering through infertility...

2010-04-03T18:53:00.012-05:00

Here's a list of comments that infertile couples hate to hear. I compiled this list from my own experience, other infertility survivor's experiences, When the Cradle is Empty by John & Sylvia Regenmorter, & The Infertility Companion by Glahn & Cutrer.

"Just Relax! You're trying too hard." or "You're thinking about it too much." Okay, this one is my all time pet peeve. Relaxing is not going to help a bona-fide medical condition. Let's all go tell the person who just got diagnosed with cancer to "Just relax!" I'm probably comparing "apples to oranges" as my husband likes to say but this one makes me want to scream so please don't tell me to relax! If you don't want to take my word for it, here's what The Infertility Companion has to say about the subject, "About 80-85% of the time, doctors find a diagnosable medical cause, for which no amount of relaxation will help. And in cases of unexplained infertility, often the problem is due to a factor such as chromosomal abnormalities that are impossible to discover through a routine workup. (In other words, ... A diagnosis of unexplained infertilty may mean that there is no method yet developed for diagnosing the problem.)" (pg 27)
Referring to secondary infertility, "You've already experienced the miracle of childbirth once." or "Think of all the people who don't have any kids." So b/c I have experienced it once, 14 years ago, in my previous marriage, & at a time where I took everything for granted means it is wrong for me to long for another child; a child who is biologically part of me & my husband together, a child who will be my husband's first biological child. I do want it for myself (I have finally turned my life around, given my life to Jesus Christ, & want to do it right this time - I want to teach my baby all about Jesus from the time of birth, which is something I never did with Austin, though I praise the Lord every day for him) but I also want it for my husband (Mike has never seen a gender ultrasound, never experienced the miracle of childbirth or feeling the baby kick, he has never taken care of a newborn or watched him/her grow - he became an instant dad to an 8 year old & trust me, it was a rough start).
"At least you can have fun trying! (Wink, wink!)" Timed intercourse, month after month, for possibly years on end is NOT fun; it is very stressful! According to The Infertility Companion, "In a study of more than 2,000 Christian women, 'lengthy infertility treatment' was listed as one of the four key causes of sexual aversion. (The other three were childhood sex abuse, rape, & painful labor & delivery.)" (pg 26) Sound fun to you?
"Maybe you're just not meant to have children." or "You're being too sensitive." or "It might never be in God's plan for you to have a baby." This one is my husband's favorite. True, we may NEVER have a baby but saying this just hurts; it doesn't help us feel better, it just HURTS.
"Adopt, then you'll get pregnant." We all know *someone* who got pregnant after adopting but have you ever stopped to consider that maybe the Lord wanted that family to adopt (& thus allowed infertility in their lives b/c otherwise they would never have even considered adoption) & once they took that step of obedience He, then, opened her womb, allowing them to finally get pregnant? Actually, "it has been estimated that between 5 & 14% of couples who quit treatment & pursue adoption eventually go on to conceive. That's about the same percentage as for couples who quit treatment, choose not to adopt, & subsequently conceive." (The Infertility Companion, pg 28-29)
"You can always adopt." It's not always that easy & it is expensive. There are so many rules & regulations when it comes to adoption & often adoptive parents feel like they are put under a microscope & even question, "Would a birth mother even choose us to parent their child?" There are forms to fill out (with questions that are VERY in-depth, just check out a friend's blog for some of the questions she has had to answer through her adoption process, Taking things one step at a time: The easy part is done...), background checks to complete, physicals to be performed, & home studies to be done. (What is a home study? Well, that's where a social worker comes into your home & interviews you, while determining if your home meets the minimum requirements to provide a good environment for a child. Talk about pressure!)
"It'll happen when it is meant to happen." or "God will bring you a baby when you are ready for it." or "Just give it some time. It'll happen!" or "Think more positively, it'll happen."
"Shouldn't you just pray about it harder? I really think if you just prayed and really believed, God will answer." Being a Christian myself, this one just irritates me. I haven't heard this one personally but I know several other ladies who have so it seems to be a common comment unfortunately. So what you are saying is that the person is not praying hard enough OR that God is cruel & just doesn't care; both are WRONG.
"If you are having trouble getting pregnant, why don't you just do IVF like Jon and Kate?" IVF doesn't always work plus like adoption, it's expensive, but not only that, IVF is a serious medical procedure & not something to be taken lightly. I have never had to cross the IVF bridge & hope that I don't but a recent friend has. You can check out her blog for a little more insight into the seriousness of IVF, Bringing Home Baby: Resting.
"I can understand why you'd want to have a baby with your husband, but it's not the end of the world if you don't."
Referring to miscarriage, "It was probably for the best." or "There must have been something wrong with your baby if you miscarried." or "At least you know you can get pregnant."

In most, if not all, of the comments above, "the would-be encourager totally invalidates the grief that runs through the very core of the infertile person." (The Infertility Companion, pg 30) The Bible even tells us that the barren womb is never satisfied. It is natural for the childless couple to want children. (Proverbs 30:15-16)

For those of you that know someone who is suffering through infertility:
What can you say? How can you help? You really don't have to say anything at all. Just be there for that person. Be understanding & sympathetic (even though you may not fully understand her emotions). Honestly, the best thing you can do is listen & be a shoulder to cry on. Oh & here's an AWESOME video that everyone who knows someone with infertility should watch... http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

And for my infertility brothers & sisters:
We are going to encounter those who just don't know what to say so they misguidedly say the wrong thing. Forgive them. Let it roll off your back & when it hurts the most, turn to the Lord. He is the only one who can ease the pain. And please don't ever think (unless the Lord has specifically told you otherwise) that your infertility is due to your past or present sin & that you are now being punished or that your infertility is a curse.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
John 9:2-3

My Bracelet!!!

2010-03-27T15:31:00.011-05:00

I finally bought the #814 embroidery thread! (Infertility's Common Thread)

But as you can see my right arm is getting kinda busy, huh???

The blue thread is my "Believing God" bracelet from Beth Moore's Believing God Bible study. This is the 1st Bible study that I have ever done & it was actually given to me as a gift. I honestly believe it was a *God-thing* because I really needed it when I got it & it was free & very unexpected. I didn't know which way to turn or understand but this study answered all those questions & really gave me roots or a foundation to build upon. He provides for us when we need it & this bracelet is my way of remembering that & His faithfulness.

The charm bracelet is my memorial bracelet for my precious angel baby. As you know I was blissfully pregnant last year (actually next cycle, a year ago, is when I finally got pregnant after 3 years of infertility) for 11 full weeks when I had a miscarriage (My Miscarriage Story, Remembering My Sweet Angel). Anyway, this bracelet is one way I remember my sweet angel & I carry her around with me where ever I go.

There is actually a necklace that I want but it's a bit pricey... maybe one day!

http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html

I almost bought an awareness ribbon to put on my infertility bracelet but with the charm bracelet I thought I wouldn't just yet but if I ever buy the necklace, I just may!

I mentioned that the bracelet is one way I remember my angel. Well, I also have her pic on my mantel with my other family pics & just like I hug my 14 year old son every night before bed; I kiss baby's picture every night & tell her "Night, night." Both of these things (the pic on my mantel & the charm bracelet) just help me feel like she is with me every day & it also helps me to go on with my life because I can tell you, I can't imagine life without her. I am the mother of 2, one here on earth & the other in heaven.

Wow, this has been an emotional post for me today but emotional in a good way... I'd much rather shed a few tears & grieve over my lost child than to not have any feelings for her at all. I LOVE remembering her & talking about her, though a few tears may be shed. Thanks so much for listening to me pour my heart out.

Hannah's Friends

2010-03-24T20:53:00.013-05:00

Wow! God is GOOD!!! He has opened so many doors for me & I am so very grateful that such a BIG God notices little me. A friend is moving & stepping down as the leader of a local infertility support group, Hannah's Friends. Well, after prompting from the Lord, I stepped up to fill her shoes within the group. I KNOW this is where the Lord wants me... He has confirmed it for me several times since.

Anyway, we (the support group) met last night & I finally got to meet A in person! She led the group last night & was GREAT I might add! After last night, I kinda feel like Joshua stepping up into Moses' shoes. Seriously though, I know that with the Lord guiding me, I will do fine! A led us in a devotional about fear that was so awesome I had to share!

Fear Not
Learning to fear less in a fearful world
by Jennifer Wennekamp

Our world offers us so many opportunities to fear, but there can be no mistaking that God does not intend for us to live a life full of fear. God’s word is filled with promises that we can overcome any fear and that we do not need to let it affect us. I pray that as we begin this journey of studying God’s word on fear that we can grow in faith, confidence, and peace. I pray that these devotionals will be a blessing to you as they are to me as I prepare them.

Scripture Reading: 2 Timothy 1:6-14, Ephesians 3:14-21

Key Scripture: 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

This verse tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear! What an awesome promise. We can know then, that if we have fear- it is not what God wants for us. He did not give it to us. We could just stop there and think well I feel fear, but I know it isn’t from God and try to go on, but then we wouldn’t really get the victory over that fear. We have to realize that God didn’t give us a spirit of fear- but He did give us a different spirit. He gave us His Spirit. In 2 Timothy 1:14 (AMP) He tells us to guard and to keep- with the greatest care, the precious and excellently adapted Truth, which has been entrusted to you, by the help of the Holy Spirit who makes His home in you! In Ephesians 3:16 it says- don’t you know that you are the temple (the place that God put his presence in the Old Testament) of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you. Can you believe it? Can you even fathom it? God’s Spirit lives in and abides in you. Not just out there somewhere, but right inside you! Everywhere you go, and in everything you do- God’s Spirit is with you.

Since God’s Spirit is in us, God says we do not have to be afraid. The Spirit that He has given us is not cowardly or timid, is not lacking in love, and is not confused and unstable. It is a Spirit of power, love and a sound mind. No matter what we are going through, or how weak our human spirit feels- we have power already on the inside of us. When we feel like we can not put up with another person or when we don’t like anyone- much less love them, we have love on the inside of us. When we feel life is too much, that there are too many decisions to be made and we feel like we are losing our minds, we must remember we have a sound mind right on the inside of us!

We don’t have to be afraid because God has given us His Spirit to combat anything that would make us afraid. We may not always feel like His Spirit is there doing His job, but that isn’t because of anything God has or hasn’t done. We have to nurture and grow in Christ so we can recognize and receive that gift in our lives. We can’t live our lives always being carnally minded and expect to fully and completely receive that gift. In 1 Corinthians 3:1-3, Paul tells the Corinthians that even though they are saved Paul could still only give them the milk of the word-the basic elementary things and could not give them the meat- the deeper and even more useful things of God because they were still carnally minded. They were still following after the flesh rather than following after the spirit.

If we want to allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in our lives as effectively as He can we must start to seek after spiritual things. We must take time to read and study the word, to pray and praise and have fellowship with our Father. When we do these things we are stirring up the gift that God has given to us as Paul instructed Timothy to do in 2 Timothy 1:6. It says as we stir up the gift the fear will decrease and we will see that power, love, and sound mind increase in our day to day life.

So begin to stir up the gift that God has given you to help you conquer any fear that is trying to have a hold in your life.

Prayer/Confession: Father, I thank You that I do not have to be afraid. I thank You that your spirit lives in me and that You have given power, love, and a sound mind. As I stir up the gift You have given me by spending time with You I believe that I will overcome the fear that may try and overtake me. Thank you Father that You are a giver of good gifts, that You love me, watch over, and make me whole. Amen

(http://narrowroadtravels.com/fearnotpt1.aspx)

So we talked about our fears at last night's meeting...

What do I/have I feared? A big fear in the past has been that I'm not a good parent & that's why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. Currently, it is that I won't get pregnant at all (not b/c I'm not a good parent or anything though). I really believe (through prayer & my relationship with Jesus) that He has promised me that I will have another child. But the fear that maybe I misunderstood Him has crossed my mind. Maybe He just couldn't tell me that I'm NOT going to have a baby yet b/c I haven't been ready to hear the truth or maybe I just refused to hear it? Maybe He's just letting me think this temporarily until I'm ready to hear/in the place where He can tell me that no, I'm not going to have a baby after all?

I'm not letting Satan win this battle. Right now I believe He is telling me that yes, I'll have a baby & until He tells me otherwise I'm clinging to that; I'm clinging to Him. Like I have heard a fellow church member say, "Believe that God is going to do it for you & if He does, GREAT, but if He doesn't, just say, 'That's okay, Lord. I know that whatever Your plan for me is better anyway.'" I'm walking by faith & not by sight!

Praise You Jesus! Praise You that I have the power to overcome any/all my fears within me! Praise You for giving me a spirit of power, love, & a sound mind! Praise You for loving me & for dying on the cross for me!

Fasting

2010-03-20T19:09:00.005-05:00

I fasted for the first time yesterday! And it really went better than I thought it would. Praise the Lord! I'll admit that I'm a fairly new Christian... I finally submitted to the Lord in September of 2006 & honestly I think He used this infertility struggle to finally bring me to my knees... Thank you, Jesus! I hadn't fasted up till this point mostly b/c I didn't think I'd survive w/o food... I like it way too much! LOL But here I am... I survived! It really wasn't too bad at all but I honestly know that it was only b/c of HIM!

I prayed for His will to be done regarding this infertility journey & wanted to document my fasting experience to see/watch how He moves. Yes, I did pray more but I really used it more to sit in His presence (Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God") since in my heart I have faith & do trust Him in this journey (it hasn't always been like this but the longer I'm on this journey the closer my relationship to Him becomes & the more I can see His hand all around me, in everything I do). It's amazing what He has taught me throughout this journey so far. I know He's with me & I know this journey is all part of His plan & yes, it can be tough at times but it is also exciting to know that He is guiding me & with me every step of the way & nothing in this journey has been an accident; it is all part of HIS plan (Proverbs 16:9, "A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps").

I really have a good feeling about this cycle but of course I've had these good feelings before & have been wrong. We shall see! I think I keep having these good feelings because I really am waiting expectantly. I know we're going to get pregnant; the question is when??? Regardless though, if it doesn't happen this cycle, I know I'm blessed & am truly thankful. Thank you, Lord Jesus!

My Infertility Playlist

2010-03-12T22:04:00.009-06:00

End of November/beginning of December was probably the lowest point in this infertility journey for me; knowing that yes, I would have to see an RE. It really felt like a death sentence of sorts to me mainly b/c I know we can afford to do Clomid as long as it takes so I was comfortable in the OB's office doing Clomid but the thought of an RE scared me to death... how much is this going to cost & can we really afford it? And if we can't afford it, will we ever have a miracle baby? Honestly, in my mind & heart, it was the beginning of the death of a dream*.

* Though now I think I made more of it than it really was even though the money thing still scares me a bit but I'm trusting Him to provide so I'm not letting it get to me the way it initially did & honestly I wish I wouldn't have let it get to me like it did before; I shouldn't have let Satan win temporarily like I did.

That being said, I decided in January that I wanted to create a custom CD with really encouraging/uplifting songs; especially songs about faith... my very own infertility playlist! I am so excited about creating this CD so that anytime infertility starts becoming too much to bear, I can pop it in, remember His faithfulness, & sing praise & worship to my Savior & best friend, Jesus Christ. So here's my custom *infertility mix*:

Wow! I'm not sure that all of them are going to fit on 1 CD! I think the list is finally complete though (after 3 months of searching for my favorite songs ) but if you have any suggestions, please share. I honestly can't wait till my CD(s) are done!

It's In The Valleys I Grow by Jane Eggleston

2010-03-06T08:42:00.025-06:00

I just read this poem last night & loved it...

It's In The Valleys I Grow
by Jane Eggleston

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me,
Lord And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!

Today is one of those days that I desperately need this reminder & God's strength & peace!

Wait by Russell Kelfer

2010-03-01T18:57:00.010-06:00

I got this poem at a local infertility support group last week that I was told came from the book, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. It is an AWESOME poem so I just had to share but before I do I wanted to mention that I went to the Thrift Store over the weekend & was hoping I would find this book. Sadly I didn't find it but I did score 2 other infertility books (Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schalesky & When the Cradle is Empty by John & Sylvia Van Regenmorter) that I am so excited to start reading (for less than $5 total to boot... praise the Lord)! I hope to eventually buy & read Hannah's Hope (I've heard such GREAT things about it) but until then I guess these will have to do!

And now for the poem...

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft' My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."